image


ONE SENTENCE HORROR MOVIE REVIEWS

*REVIEW ARCHIVES*

imageBastard
One Sentence Review:
For their first feature film, co-directors, Powell Robinson & Patrick Robert Young's 'Bastard' doesn't suck but it isn't that good either and I think it all comes down to a loss of focus as the movie feels like a million ideas (not all of them good) being crammed into 82 minutes - too many characters with too many inconsequential backstories attempting to drive a convoluted plotline that plays out like Quentin Tarantino's less talented half-brother's attempt at making a Slasher flick - however, with that being said, it's not all bad and there are enough cool gore FX & kills scenes to make it worth a quick watch.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image


imageHowl
One Sentence Review:
Veteran SFX wizard, Paul Hyett, is slowly making a name for himself as one of the UK's up and coming Indie-Horror Directors, first with the gritty revenge thriller, The Seasoning House and now with his latest entry, 'Howl' and even though this film is hindered by some very questionable CGI landscape shots, it is able to rise above its flaws by masterfully using claustrophobic train interior scenes along with character infighting to help build the tension & suspense while we wait for the wickedly designed Werewolves to move in for the kill.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

image


imageThe Hollow
Periscope Review:

image

Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Pack
One Sentence Review:
Somehow this movie is not a remake of The Pack, a 1977 U.S. made film that also involves a group of deadly rampaging canines, but either way, it's been proven that the Australians know how to make a great creature-feature and 'The Pack 2015' is no exception as it gently places your balls in a vice and then slowly squeezes them with scene after tension dripping scene loaded with unpredictable scares intense enough to forever change the way you look at man's best friend(?).
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

image


imageYour Vice Is A Locked Room And Only I Have The Key
One Sentence TBT Review:
Sergio Martino is one of the most prolific Writer/Directors in Italian genre filmmaking and deserves to be mentioned in the same breath as Bava & Argento but sadly, only the most hardcore of movie fiends know his name and his vast library of work with this entry, 'Your Vice Is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key', being one of his finest - a Giallo based loosely on Edgar Allan Poe's The Black Cat, it has all the artistic cinematography, plot twists and unsheared Euro-bush that anyone could want so it's a must see for fans of this subgenre.
(See Arrow Films Black Cats Boxset Review HERE)
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

image


imageExtraordinary Tales
One Sentence Review:
To a cartoon purist Extraordinary Tales' painfully obvious computer animated scenes might be a turnoff and while their presence does detract from the overall coolness of this film, they're mixed in with some really great old-school artwork that helps to ease the pain but either way, it's an anthology of five Edgar Allan Poe stories (The Fall Of The House Of Usher, Tell Tale Heart, The Facts In The Case Of M. Valdemar, Pit And The Pendulum & The Masque Of The Red Death) with segments narrated by Christopher Lee and Bela Lugosi so, uh yeah, you should fucking buy it!
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

image


imageThe Diabolical
One Sentence Review:
 'The Diabolical' has a strong cast of actors driving the action but it's the intricacies of the storyline that are the real star as it repeatedly leads the audience in one direction & then another until finally landing on the intensely shocking and unpredictable final reveal.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

image


imageThe Hive
One Sentence Review:
Make no mistake, 'The Hive' is a Romantic-Comedy thinly veiled as a Zombie (I know, "Infected" not "Zombie" ... whatever!) film but it's extremely well made and full of gooey gore & hideous make-up designs with a challenging storyline that won't insult your intellect like most movies of that genre so be sure to explain that to your Wife/Girlfriend when you push aside the nauseating Adam Sandler Romcom and play this flick instead ... tell her Monster Movie APP says, "It's OK".
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

image


imageBloody Indulgent
One Sentence Review:
It's no surprise that 'Bloody Indulgent', a Vampire musical that stars(?) former Backstreet Boy, Kevin Scott Richardson, is fucking terrible but with that being said, to me, it's just as good as any other Horror-Musical that I've seen (that includes: The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Little Shop Of Horrors, Repo! The Genetic Opera and all the rest) so maybe, in the the world of gay genre-mashups, it would be considered amazing ... beats the fuck out of me, I'm probably the wrong person to ask.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image


imageModel Hunger
One Sentence Review:
Debbie Rochon has never acted (using the term loosely) in a good movie - there, I said it and I stand by my statement - but with that fact being established, maybe all this time she has been wasting her true talent, Directing, because 'Model Hunger' (which she Directed, in case you couldn't figure it out) is not bad, not bad at all - with an inspired performance from Lynn Lowry (who channels her best Mother Firefly and then chews up the scenery with it) and a completely odd (in a good way) script ripe with social commentary, this film is pretty entertaining and has the feel of a 70's Grindhouse production without being all obvious & cheesy about it.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

image


imageEaten Alive
One Sentence TBT Review:
I'm not gonna lie, 'Eaten Alive' is a very odd movie with a line up of some of the most bizarre acting characters ever filmed, killer & victims alike but it's not without its charms and if you are a fan of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, you will appreciate how the gritty, southern vibe (that Tobe Hooper does so well) and menacingly dilapidated sets add to the feeling of dread & hopelessness leading up to some really great kill scenes.  
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

image


imageHellions
One Sentence Review:
'Hellions' starts out strong with all the markings of an instant Halloween classic - from the creepy, old-school costume designs to its tension filled home invasion scenes, the atmosphere is set for greatness - but it's not long before the film fizzles out as the storyline becomes more & more abstract & repetitive leading up to an extremely anti-climatic ending that will leave you scratching your head in confusion and feeling wholly unfulfilled.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image


imageDay 6:
From One 7 Movies
One Sentence Review:
If you watch the special features included with Day 6, you will see that Writer/Director Varo Venturi wasn't just fucking around when he wrote the script, he actually believes in Aliens and is convinced of their sinister plan to invade Earth, which is kinda cool but also a lot crazy and unfortunately, his enthusiasm to get this warning out to the world is also the downfall of this film as it's obvious by the repetitive, overly complex storyline and long runtime that he wasn't willing to compromise his message on any level for the sake of creating a really entertaining movie.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image


imageHyde's Secret Nightmare:
From One 7 Movies
One Sentence Review:
It's extremely difficult to give a film that contains XXX sex scenes a bad review (my male parts start screaming, "But it's PORN!!") however in the unusual case of Hyde's Secret Nightmare, I have no choice because while the movie does contain some sweet, hardcore action (Warning: there are some brief gay scenes & a LOT of solo cock work!), there isn't enough of it to compensate for the excruciating periods of nonsensical bullshit that fill the rest of its, ridiculously long, 122 minute runtime. 
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image


imageCooties
One Sentence Review:
Anytime you see five separate people credited with writing a script, you know, there's a 99.9% chance that the movie will be a mess and that holds partially true with 'Cooties' because while the first quarter of the film is fucking hilarious, the remainder is ... well, not and at one point, I swear, the actors started improvising their own lines (I'm thinking after the fifth re-write of the script failed) as the storyline quickly slips from being interesting & funny to a boring, Action-Comedy cliche.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image


imageAngst
One Sentence TBT Review:
'Angst' is quite literally a day spent following a deranged killer as he does what is necessary in order to sedate his demented cravings and as you might expect, it's savage, bloody, chaotic and, at times, even a bit routine as we watch him performing his sick chores but thanks to Director, Gerald Kargl and the Cinematography of Academy Award winner, Zbigniew Rybczynski, this film is also, in a way, beautiful even in moments of intense violence and if you can appreciate those aspects of filmmaking then you will love this movie.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

image


imageContracted: Phase 2
One Sentence Review:
If Eric England's film, Contracted, was too challenging for you and its unanswered questions left you in a fit of retard-rage then, oh boy, do I have a sequel for you - 'Contracted: Phase 2' (the title writes its own review) strips away all the uniqueness of the original and replaces it with a shallow, formulaic storyline taken from the Hollywood book of sequel templates and it even sets up part 3 with the, often used and always lame, extra scene hidden in the credits gimmick ... now that's a commitment to being terrible!
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image


imageThe Editor
One Sentence Review:
The production team of Astron 6 seem like they might actually be decent filmmakers (deep down inside all the schlock, somewhere) but we may never know because they have chosen the path of cranking out lame parodies of other people's serious work (like this awful goof on Giallos) instead of making real films ... Oh, and I love Giallos so those hacky, Canadian jerkoffs can eat my hairy asshole with some maple syrup drizzled on it and chase it down with a Horton's double-double, Eh?
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image


imageTales Of Halloween
One Sentence Review:
There is no shortage of Halloween themed movies for fans to watch when the calendar finally creeps into our favorite month of the year (October, stupid!), there's a ton of them but unfortunately, for us, most of them are just god-awful-shitty and the small amount of quality films can be counted on one hand with probably some fingers left over but it's time to extend one of those extra digits proudly in the air (I prefer the middle one) and add 'Tales Of Halloween' to the short list of worthy viewing - an anthology with no noticeably bad segments, TOH's combination of childhood fun, mixed with adult nastiness, perfectly exemplifies the tone of the Halloween season and why, for some of us, the holiday lives in our hearts all year round.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

image


imagePoltergeist 2015 
One Sentence Review:
A soulless, CGI facsimile of the original film that isn't worth the time or effort involved in writing a lengthy review.
(p.s. suck my hairy balls, Sam Rami and everyone else involved in making this remake!)
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image


imageThe Boy
One Sentence Review:
If you are looking for a hack n' slash bloodbath, this film is not for you (although, it does have some moments) but if you are one who appreciates that the subtle moments in Horror can be just as terrifying (like a little boy who needs to practice smiling in a mirror) then definitely seek out this film - the compelling storyline, backed by an amazing cast, takes us into a 9 year old sociopath's life and shows the pivotal moments that lead to his transformation from a troubled youth into a full blown ... you should just watch the movie.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

image


imageNightmare Castle
One Sentence TBT Review:
Spaghetti Western legends: Director, Mario Caiano & Cinematographer, Enzo Barboni (Note: the incredible soundtrack is also done by famous Spaghetti Western Composer, Ennio Morricone) capture Barbara Steele at her smoldering best in a memorable dual role - Dark, shadowy and foreboding, 'Nightmare Castle' is arguable the definitive Italian, Gothic-Horror film.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

image


imageWhen Animals Dream
One Sentence Review:
'When Animals Dream' is a very tastefully done Arthouse take on the Werewolf genre (saying this would be considered a spoiler if it weren't for the movie poster that, as usual, reveals too much) which, in keeping with that type of filmmaking, is slowly paced and leans more on relationships & exploring emotions than thrills but it is beautifully shot and the storyline is just interesting enough to get you through until the action (limited as it may be) finally starts.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image


imagePOD
One Sentence Review:
After watching Mickey Keating's 2013 release, Ritual, it was obvious that the dude has some serious talent (at least in the first half of it) and would some day be a major force in the world of indie Horror and 'POD' is definitely a positive step in his evolution as a filmmaker - it's a simple but tense, unpredictable bit of Sci-fi Horror with strong acting performances & great gore FX - in fact, the only real problem is the dialogue - IT'S MOSTLY YELLED - which becomes kinda annoying after a while - some moments of quiet insanity would have been more effective and a lot less irritating but overall, it's still a pretty solid film.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

image


imageThe Curse Of Downers Grove
One Sentence Review:
The idea for 'The Curse Of Downers Grove' may have sounded good on paper but it sure didn't translate well into a feature film and that's kind of surprising considering that Bret Easton Ellis was the guy behind the keyboard but with all due respect to the man who penned American Psycho, the script for TCODG is a jumbled, fucking mess - mostly consisting of a 'psycho-ex' type storyline with an odd subplot (that starts out as the main plot) involving a town curse that awkwardly appears and then disappears randomly throughout the movie to the point where it's easily forgotten - so, I think, a more appropriate title for this flick would have been, 'The Curse Of Thumbs Down-er Grove'. 
(whatever, you think of one!)
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image


imageSometimes Aunt Martha Does Dreadful Things
One Sentence TBT Review:
If you haven't seen 'Sometimes Aunt Martha Does Dreadful Things' (don't worry, no one has) you should watch it at least once to witness how indescribably bizarre it is - homosexuality, cross-dressing, hippies, drugs & murder - all wrapped up in a weird little package that will have you scratching your head and thinking, "What the fuck did I just watch?".
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image


imageLost After Dark
One Sentence Review:
'Lost After Dark' is a modern day Slasher that is set in the 80's and Writer/Director, Ian Kessner is not about to let anyone forget it as he bludgeons the audience relentlessly throughout the movie with hacky references to what decade it is and that's a shame because had he been taught the word "Subtly" in school, this film could have been pretty good - the gore FX are decent (although, the killer design is awful) and the unpredictable storyline keeps the tension tight but gag me with a spoon, Ian must be, like, a total poser and spazzed on the 80's theme so overall this movie is totally, like, grody to the max.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image


imageAmnesiac
One Sentence Review:
Kate Bosworth is widely known in Hollywood for playing the icy-bitch ... what? ... she's not? ... well, forget Lois Lane because she pulls off a very convincing psychotic, stone-cold, deadly, cunt in 'Amnesiac' and while the movie is not perfect (it's a bit slow & repetitive in the first act), her frosty performance as 'Woman' along with a great twist ending makes this film more than worthy of viewing/purchasing.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

image


imagePlay Motel
One Sentence TBT Review:
Hot softcore-Euro-action, this film is full of it and then some - gigantic, 70's pubic triangles fill almost every scene but the Argento-style, Giallo storyline is interesting enough to make 'Play Motel' more than just jerk-off material, it's actually a pretty decent movie, if you can put down your pecker long enough to watch it ... you may have come (ha!) to spank the monkey but you will stay for the answer to the mystery and that leaves plenty of time for clean up, you filthy degenerates.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

image


imageMaggie
One Sentence Review:
There's really nothing specifically wrong with 'Maggie' - the script is competently written and the acting is good (even ol' Arnie - who is wisely cast as a gruff, mostly silent character) but it's not really a Horror movie, it's all Drama (a Drambie film? ... oh fuck, is that a real subgenre?!?) - in fact, if the Zombie outbreak were replaced with any other random contagious disease, this movie would've premiered on the Lifetime or Oxygen network for fat housewives to watch instead of me - I'd be watching a movie with some balls.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image


imageDark Moon Rising
One Picture Review:

image

Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image


imageAlleluia
One Sentence Review:
'Alleluia' won't appeal to most Horror fans - it's subtitled, drama heavy and slowly paced but much like the mood swings of the main character, Gloria, the film goes from sedate to crazed & violent without warning so it's worth hanging in there just to witness those parts and then stick around for an equally fucked up & bloody ending ... oh, and all the gross, old lady sex scenes, you should see those too.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

image


imageSatan's Wife
One Sentence TBT Review:
From the opening red leotard-filled dance number to all the uneventful satanic rituals mixed with boat loads of pointless talking scenes, 'Satan's Wife' feels like it lacks enough interesting content to be a feature length film and the rest is just bullshit filler - in fact, even the plethora of Euro-Boobies are somehow made boring by the filmmakers and that just angers the dark lord that lives in my pants.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image


imageExtinction
One Sentence Review:
'Extinction' is a bit heavy on the drama but the acting is really strong (especially Quinn McColgan who lights up the screen with her charismatic portrayal of Lu) and the storyline is compelling enough to keep your interest until the action starts - in fact, the only real downside are the fight scenes - which use an annoying combination of shaky camera work & fast edits that makes them pretty hard to follow and while that detracts from the film's overall effectiveness, it's not enough to ruin it entirely.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

image


imageHarbinger Down
One Sentence Review:
Dear Alec Gillis, I did enjoy 'Harbinger Down' on many levels but I was also very aware that it's a homage to The Thing, it's pretty obvious, so there really was no need to strategically place a Chess Wizard in one of your scenes, I get it, I'm not fucking stupid - maybe, in future projects, you will realize that the greatest tribute you can pay is to take what you love about a film and use it as an inspiration to make the best original movie possible - playing 'Can you spot the reference?' ...well, that's just plain hacky.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image


imageAlways Watching:
A Marble Hornets Story

One Sentence Review:
It's never a good sign when the filmmakers can't decide on a title for their own project - this film, for example, went from 'Marble Hornets' to 'Marble Hornets: The Operator' to 'The Operator' and last but definitely least, 'Always Watching: A Marble Hornets Story' and this indecision is also very apparent throughout the movie - which is an uneven hodgepodge of subtle tension building mixed with bullshit jumps-scares and that's a shame because with a premise this creepy, everything else, including the title, should pretty much write itself.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image


imageNekromantik 2
One Sentence TBT Review:
It's an odd and shocking thing when the sequel to a movie surpasses the original - it's kinda hard to mentally process - but such is the case with 'Nekromantik 2' - a movie that is able to successfully retain all of the raw, stunningly grotesque aspects of part one while also adding a better structured storyline and improved production values to make for an overall more complete film.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

image


imageX Moor
One Sentence Review:
From the second 'X Moor' starts, it's clear that every character in the film is a fucking idiot and their inability to make rational, intelligent decisions is only rivaled by their physical clumsiness (seriously, they trip and fall down constantly) so these two attributes combined make for, not only, an extremely frustrating viewing experience but also a very real hatred for everyone involved with making this movie.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image


imageUnfriended
One Sentence Review:
If I wanted to watch a bunch of annoying people yelling at each other through webcams, I'd arrange a Skype family reunion.
(unlike 'Unfriended', this review is not a paid advertisement for Skype)
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image


imageDark Was The Night
One Sentence Review:
If you can look past the awful creature design/FX (thankfully, it remains out of sight for most of the movie) and stop the film 53 seconds before the actual ending (the remaining scenes feel like they were tacked on by some lame-brain producer in a fit of dick-swinging), 'Dark Was The Night' is a great movie - Kevin Durand is amazing in the lead role and the script is top notch (heavily character driven & dramatic but still tense & frightening) - in fact, the rest of the film is so good that it outshines all of the aforementioned shortcomings.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

image


imageMansion Of The Doomed
One Sentence TBT Review:
It's like X-mas for Horror fans when an obscure, out-of-print movie finally makes its way into our greedy, little hands - sometimes it's worth the wait, sometimes it's not but in the case of 'Mansion Of The Doomed' - a great, old grindhouse riff on the classic "mad scientist" storyline that features the gooey, gore FX of a young, Stan Winston - it was totally worth it!
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

image


imageSoldiers Of The Damned
From Safecracker Pictures
One Sentence Review:
I've had a love for supernatural, war stories ever since my childhood when the glorious pages of DC Comic's Weird War Tales permanently scarred my impressionable, little brain and that affection has since transferred over to films like 'Soldiers Of The Damned' whose compelling storyline is cut from the same cloth as WWT's cautionary narratives so I choose to turn a blind eye to its off-puttingly bad, CGI FX and I'll pretend that I was seeing the amazing artwork of the great, Alfredo Alcala instead.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

image


imageAfter Dark
From Gravitas Ventures
One Sentence Review:
'After Dark' is a typical Z-grade Slasher - poorly executed and extremely forgettable - although, I do vaguely remember one scene that was pretty well done, I think, toward the end of the film but then there may have been a really lame storyline twist, if I recall correctly, right before there was fight between two guys and then ... something else happened ...well, I do remember the movie sucked, there's no doubt about that.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image


imagei-Lived
One Sentence Review:
Writer/Director, Franck Khalfoun continues to blaze a trail toward 'Master Of Horror' status with his latest offering, 'i-Lived' - a film that takes an age old premise and merges it with modern technology to deliver a fun ride that starts out lighthearted but quickly transitions into a pitch black, Faustian tale of death, power and corruption.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

image


imageNekromantik
One Sentence TBT Review:
Much of the dark and disturbing nature of 'Nekromantik' is negated by the ridiculousness of its climax (pun intended) but Jörg Buttgereit ability to take such a revolting subject matter as Necrophilia and somehow turn it into a beautiful, sensual, sexual-ballet is something that every Horror fan must see - at least once.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

image


imageBurying The EX
One Sentence Review:
It's rare to find films that don't portray Horror fans as complete idiots - running around spouting off the lamest of references and acting psychotic - so when the two main characters of 'Burying The EX' had semi-intelligent conversations (for a movie, anyway) regarding obscure topics such as Val Lewton and Fruit Brute Cereal, it was refreshing and I was intrigued but not enough to blind me to the fact that, at its base, BTE is just a typical, Hollywood, paint-by-number, Romantic-Comedy with a little bit of gore sprinkled on top. 
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image


imageInsectula
One Sentence Review:
When a film opens with a tribute to Ed Wood, you know that, in most cases, it's going to be a long ride - not that there is anything wrong with ol' Mr. Wood, I love him, he was doing the best he could with scant resources and more enthusiasm than talent but his uber-fans, that direct their admiration toward filmmaking, have a tendency to intentionally shitty-up their movies in an attempt to emulate their hero and almost always, the end product turns out ...well, like 'Insectula'.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image


imageToxin
One Sentence Review:
I'm not going to lie to you, fine people(?), I only watched 'Toxin' because it has been years since a quality film was released on VOD (feels like it) and I had no choice but to drag the bottom of the Horror DVD releases and bring up this terrible turd that captures Danny Glover while he supplements his Social Security checks with some quick movie cash and a Biological Weapon that is spread via glowing, green, CGI, fairy-dust - please, video gods, send me some relief - I swear, I'll stop touching my junk, during the sexy parts, if you do.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image


imageANTS
One Sentence TBT Review:
Ah, 70's made-for-TV movies, nothing today can compare to their unmistakably dated appearance and their unlikely combination of greatness mixed with super cheesiness but I (and many others - young and old alike) still love them, a lot, and seek them out, sometimes at great financial cost, so that I can simply watch them again, like I did with this film, 'ANTS' because well ... satan bless the ant-wrangler, there ain't no CGI in this creature feature.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

image


imageDude Bro Party Massacre 3
One Sentence Review:
I love the whole concept of this film (a lost movie with the only remaining copy being a shitty, VHS recording from television) and I'm sure that it is destined to become a cult classic however for me, the stupidity & weirdness outweighs the humor and I feel like it could use a lot more laughs to truly be considered a Horror-Comedy classic but it's still 100 times better than the lame, Scary Movie Franchise.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image


imageThe Boy Next Door
One Sentence Review:
If you have seen Fear, Fatal Attraction, The Temp and ... uh ... The Cable Guy, I guess ... kinda ... then you already know what happens in 'The Boy Next Door' except this latest version of the story stars Jennifer Lopez (who is never convincing in the role of a normal, human being) and her shiny, new face-lift along with some other, equally bland, actors whose joint efforts (or lack there of) contribute to making this film a very forgettable entry in the, extremely played-out, Psycho-Ex sub-genre.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image


imageSorrow
One Sentence Review:
'Sorrow' pretty accurately describes my emotions after choosing to watch this film over some others that I had available and that's because it is a textbook example of every mistake that indie filmmakers make to assure a barely watchable end product including: overacting, underacting, marble-mouthed-foreigner-acting, actors who look too similar, obvious set designs, hard to follow, nonsensical editing and bad audio, bad audio, bad audio!
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Demon
One Sentence TBT Review:
'The Demon' has everything that you would want in an early 80's Slasher with a few Giallo-esque, mind-fucks thrown in for good measure but on top of that, it also stars, Horror icon (in my mind, anyway), Cameron Mitchell who hits this film like a ravenous, great white shark, chewing up the scenery as if it were an injured seal and he doesn't stop until ... well, you should just go watch the movie.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Redwood Massacre
One Sentence Review:
Other than some gore FX, the most disturbing makeup in 'The Redwood Massacre' is actress, Rebecca Wilkie'gigantic, painted-on, Vulcan-eyebrows that make her appear as if she's in a constant state of surprise and if that's not distracting enough for you, the Killer wears an over-produced mask that looks like it was purchased at a Spirit Halloween Store - maybe it's all part of Writer/Director, David Ryan Keith's master plan to divert attention away from the fact that his script really sucks.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageStung
One Sentence Review:
'Stung' uses the perfect balance of seriousness & comedy, romance & action, CGI & practical FX combined with lots of slime to create a skin-crawlingly entertaining ride in the vain of movies like Ticks and Slither - that is, up until the last 13 minutes & 22 seconds when the opposite of everything that I wrote previously becomes true and the film plants its flag firmly in the ground and declares, loud and proud, "I have Dog-Babied!".
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageCharlie's Farm
One Sentence Review:
'Charlie's Farm' is a Horror-Con-Movie with a twist of Fanboy-Film however Slasher enthusiasts will definitely want to check it out for the inventive and gruesome kill scenes (a mixture of impressive practical FX with some equally unimpressive CGI) but, for me, the combination of Tara Reid's nagging, Den-Mother character (in behavior and appearance) along with an extremely long and pointless build up, makes this movie only worth a single viewing.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageContamination
One Sentence TBT Review:
A sinister, secret invasion plan, mind control, slimy, pulsating, Martian-eggs and tons of dudes bursting out their internal organs all to the groovy tunes of Goblin's prog-rock-synth soundtrack - what's not to love???
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imagePieces Of Talent
One Sentence Review:
To sufficiently address each individual aspect of greatness (Joe StaufferDavid LongKristi Ray! Tony Rosen!) in this movie, within one sentence, would be close to impossible so I will simply say that, all too rarely, a film will come along that elevates the Horror genre to a new level with its quality, heart and originality - like a beacon of light shining through a vast fog of mediocrity - and I consider myself lucky to have witnessed one with 'Pieces Of Talent'.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageBound To Vengeance 
One Sentence Review:
I hated the premise of 'Bound To Vengeance' from the very first frame of the film - I just didn't buy it, not one unrealistic moment of it - so by the time the big, equally unbelievable, plot twist was revealed, the pessimistic portion of my brain had long since given up on the Writer's ability to somehow pull the storyline out of the 65 minute tailspin that I had already suffered through, and rightfully so.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageHeadless
One Sentence Review:
Director/Special Effects Supervisor, Arthur Cullipher's love for filming his own FX may have distracted him from casting competent actors but it didn't hinder his ability to successfully translate his obvious passion for Horror movies into a feature length mind-fuck that feels like you're watching an ultra-gory, Slasher film from inside the damaged brain of the killer.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageWhat The Peeper Saw
One Sentence TBT Review:
When trying to describe 'What The Peeper Saw' to a friend, you will find that, around the midway point, you sound like a raving lunatic and that there may be a need, depending who you're talking to, for a few disclaimers about how you had nothing to do with the production of the film, you simply watched it and are reporting what you saw but in my book, that's how you know it's a good movie.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageDemonic
One Sentence Review:
Fuck You, James Wan, every film that you touch, scares the fucking shit out of me and has me questioning my mental fortitude by the time the credits roll (especially Furious Seven but for altogether different reasons) so if you have some kind of problem with me, be man enough to confront me face-to-face and stop tormenting me through your movies like some kind of pussy-ass, filmmaking genius!
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageHellmouth
One Sentence Review:
Director, John Geddes' use of a Digital-Backlot gives 'Hellmouth' a creepy, dreamlike quality that instantly captures your attention but soon enough it becomes apparent that it isn't really a Horror movie as the storyline quickly makes the turn from moonlit cemeteries to full blown Fantasy complete with archaic maps, monsters and a quest to rescue a damsel in distress which is cool but this ain't no Dungeons And Dragons app.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Lazarus Effect
One Sentence Review:
With a script that was penned by, Remake-Screenwriters (the lowest form of Writers with exception of movie reviewers), Luke Dawson and Jeremy Slater, 'The Lazarus Effect' really didn't stand a chance of being original so the resulting uninspired, mash-up of Flatliners and X-men: The Last Stand isn't much of a surprise or really all that memorable.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageSpider Baby
One Sentence TBT Review:
'Spider Baby' is categorized as a Horror-Comedy however, other than a few campy moments, it's mostly just disturbing - incest, cannibalism, insanity, murder - not all that funny but when watching the movie today, it's easy to see the influence that Jack Hill's twisted, vision of a crazed, murderous family has had on other filmmakers from Toby Hooper to Charles Kaufman and beyond.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageSatan's Cheerleaders
One Sentence TBT Review:
I have a strong suspicion that Satan's Cheerleaders' combination of bad, sexual innuendos and lame, goofball humor was never considered very funny, even when it was released in 1977 but now, 38 years later, it's pretty much unwatchable.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Nightmare
One Sentence Review:
The 'inter-buzz' would have you believe that this Documentary on Sleep Paralysis is so masterfully made and terrifying that it's a worthy viewing even for hardcore Horror fans but I'm here to tell you that it is not, in fact, it's pretty lame even compared to mass produced TV shows such as The Haunted and Paranormal Witness
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Stranger
One Sentence Review:
With a few exceptions (Human Centipede 3 ... really?!?), IFC Midnight is the go-to source for quality, indie Horror and they continue that tradition with 'The Stranger' - a mysterious and compelling Horror-Drama with enough carnage and action to perfectly balance-out its slow building, melodramatic take on a legendary cinematic monster.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageHorsehead
From Artsploitation Films

One Sentence Review:
Vincent Vieillard-Baron's dream sequence cinematography in 'Horsehead' (available on DVD/Blu-ray June 23rd) is absolutely stunning - like a LSD induced Gothic nightmare (not that I would know) - but sadly, those dreams makeup, almost, the entire film and while they are pretty to look at, they also become very tedious after 89 minutes of waiting for something to actually happen in the waking world.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Giant Spider Invasion
One Sentence TBT Review:
'The Giant Spider Invasion' is a glaring display of inept, low-budget filmmaking but somehow it's still very entertaining - from the washed-up actors & terrible script writing to the pipe-cleaner spiders - this film has that perfect combination of incompetence mixed with sincerity that is often imitated by today's filmmakers but never successfully duplicated. 
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageWe Are Still Here
One Sentence Review:
Dark Sky Films' soft-serve, hype-machine has been working overtime for 'We Are Still Here', leaving a tightly coiled pile of propaganda the size of Texas in the middle of the internet but unfortunately for them, that means people will eventually watch it and discover that it's really just a mediocre ghost story (at best) with a played-out storyline and only a couple decent scares.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageExeter
One Sentence Review:
I have to give, Writer/Director, Marcus Nispel some credit for taking time out of his lucrative career of directing big box office remakes to actually create something original for a change but the mundane-shittiness of 'Exeter' may stand as proof that individuals who are willing to leech off other people's past successes are doing so for a reason, it's all they've got.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageDark Vision
One Sentence Review:
'An A-hole, TV show host, who will stop at nothing (including putting his own film crew in jeopardy) to become famous, grossly underestimates the power of the supernatural world and awakens a murderous, evil force that starts knocking off members of his team one by one' ... while the entire viewing audience lets out a collective fucking yawn.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageSociety
One Sentence TBT Review:
The effectiveness of Society's, Body-Horror driven, social commentary is hindered slightly by some uneven moments of first grade level humor but overall it's a creepy, dark and slimy statement on the division of wealth and power in Reagan-era America that is still very much relevant today.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageSatan's Blade
One Sentence TBT Review:
'Satan's Blade' is horrendously bad on every level imaginable - a terrible script, cheap props, awful FX, visible boom-mics in almost every scene and some of the most embarrassingly awkward bunch of acting ever filmed so unless you just want a good laugh, don't waste your time.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageHungerford
One Sentence Review:
'Hungerford' is a somewhat descent Found-Footage film from the UK with a reasonably intriguing storyline but the lack of likable characters and ultra-gay ending keeps it from being anything truly memorable.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageAnarchy Palor
One Sentence Review:
As you can probably kinda guess by the rather inspirationally challenged title, 'Anarchy Parlor' is not a great Horror movie and it's mostly because the same lack of effort involved in creating that lame title is also very much evident in the rest of the production - from the CGI blood to the asinine and repetitive dialogue - proving that sometimes you actually can read a book by its cover.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageDer Samurai
From Artsploitation Films

One Sentence Review:
If you are looking for a homoerotic, German, transvestite-werewolf-Samurai(?) movie to watch, 'Der Samuari' (releasing on DVD & Blu-ray June 9th) is a really well made one but you better be prepared to witness the most embarrassing, cringe inducing, guy-on-guy dance scene ever committed to film.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageIsland Of Death
One Sentence TBT Review:
By filling 'Island Of Death' with every depraved sex act known to man, Writer/Director Nico Mastorakis was attempting to outdo The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the results are just as shocking and memorable today as they must have been back in 1976 (when it was banned in most countries) so hide your goats everybody (watch the movie), this film is one crazy fucking ride.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe House With 100 Eyes
From Artsploitation Films
One Sentence Review:
'The House With 100 Eyes' (releasing on DVD June 16th) is a top-notch, Found-Footage Mockumentary that is driven by the superb acting performances of Jim Roof (also the Writer/Co-Director) and Shannon Malone who are able to effortlessly flip the switch from being humorous & likable to violent & psychotic.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageAmerican Guinea Pig: Bouquet Of Guts And Gore
One Sentence Review:
Stop me if you've heard this before: A flabby dude in a goat-skull mask walks into a room with his tighty-whities hanging out and starts dissecting two women while some other dudes, with shitty cameras and even worse audio equipment, document the whole thing - sorry, you have to trust me, this film(?) is a fucking joke but I guess, it's not a very funny one.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Human Centipede 3
One Sentence Review:
* Refer to the Monster Movie Rants from March 27th, April 15th and May 24th *
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageStrange Blood
One Sentence Review:
Writer/Director Chad Michael Ward does Cronenberg proud with this vicious, little slice of Body-Horror heaven that is destined to become a cult classic but for me, it's the crazed performance of Robert Brettenaugh that really sells the film and makes it a must see for fans of the B-H subgenre.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Strange Case Of Dr. Jekyll And Miss Osbourne
One Sentence TBT Review:
When I read Robert Louis Stevenson's Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, back in High School, I must have missed the part where Mr. Hyde terrorizes a French city by violating the innocent (both men & women) with his gigantic, horse-cock but, I'll tell you, it would've been a whole lot more exciting had Walerian Borowczyk's erotically bizarre take on the classic tale been assigned instead of the traditional version.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageIt! The Terror From Beyond Space
One Sentence TBT Review:
It's well known that Dan O'Bannon was highly influenced by ITTFBS when writing the script for Alien - that's one way to put it - another would be to say that he ripped-off the entire storyline or that he wrote a "remake" before remakes had become fashionable but however you want to word it, there is no doubt of the film's inspiration on Mr. O'Bannon's work or its continuing influence on the Horror-Scifi sub-genre as a whole.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageArea 51
One Sentence Review:
  When looking at the creative team behind 'Area 51', it seems impossible that the film could have turned out so terribly - after all, Oren Peli & Christopher Denham are both insanely talented so it just doesn't make any sense, that is, until you scroll to bottom of the cast & crew list and see the name, Steve Barton (the fat, turd-boy from Dread Central) and realize that his foul presence on set tainted the whole production like a pubic hair floating in a punch bowl.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Drownsman
One Sentence Review:
If Wes Craven had developed a strong taste for lead based paint chips as a child he may have created The Drownsman instead of Freddy Krueger but, thankfully for us, he didn't however I'm pretty sure that Canadian Writer/Director Chad Archibald did (allegedly) because how else could someone come up with a Horror-Killer concept so retarded that I now involuntarily shake my head in disgust at every puddle of water I that see?
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageZombies From Outer Space
From Olive Films
One Sentence Review:
'Zombies From Outer Space' (releasing on DVD May 26th) is listed as a Horror-Comedy but after suffering through it, I'm seriously not sure what parts were suppose to be funny - maybe the fact that all the American characters had thick German accents or possibly the embarrassingly goofy tuba music played during the scenes that were intended to be really humorous (and weren't) but it's most likely that the film was intended to be a serious Sci-fi-Horror movie that the filmmakers quickly re-categorized as a Comedy when they discovered that it turned out really fucking shitty.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imagePeter Benchley's Creature
One Sentence TBT Review:
Sure, this TV mini-series could easily be edited down to feature film length without missing a beat - no one would miss any of the dramatic relationship issues between secondary characters or the repetitive scenes of people boating around (sometimes running) pointlessly but either way, 'Creature' kicks a whole lot of ass and it's almost exclusively because of legendary FX master, Stan Winston's slimey-cool, shark-man design.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageDrawn In Blood
From Olive Films
One Sentence Review:
'Drawn In Blood' (coming to DVD for the first time in the U.S. on May 26th) is an erotic, murder mystery with a stylistic Giallo vibe and although the character heavy storyline is a bit slow building, the film is peppered with some cool Slasher type kills and finishes strong with an explosive & bloody, albeit somewhat predictable, finale.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageBeyond Remedy
From Olive Films
One Sentence Review:
Even though the storyline is somewhat vague and disjointed, 'Beyond Remedy' (releasing for the first in the U.S. on May 26th) is still a very effective German Slasher that uses amazing practical FX and inventive kill scenes to compensate for its shortcomings.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageBlind Woman's Curse
One Sentence TBT Review:
Even though it is extremely well made, I can't recommend 'Blind Woman's Curse' because it's not really a Horror movie - sure, there might be some talk about a black cat's curse but mostly, it's a pure martial arts, mob film that won't come close to scratching the Horror-itch for a majority of genre fans.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageProm Ride
One Sentence Review:
When a "Horror" movie contains four minutes of THIS, the quality of the rest of the movie is pretty fucking irrelevant.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageMark Of The Devil
One Sentence TBT Review:
Critics have often dismissed 'Mark Of The Devil' as exploitative, due to its infamous violence and brutality (which is still just as effective today) but they probably didn't stick around long enough to see that all the bloodshed is really secondary to a very compelling storyline that examines a man's struggle between his sworn allegiance to his corrupt mentor, the Witchfinder and his love for a young woman wrongfully accused of being a Witch.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageJonah Lives
From WildEye Releasing
One Sentence Review:
'Jonah Lives' isn't without its charms, the film has a very genuine low budget, 80's vibe without being too cheesy about it and the soundtrack is well done & effective but ultimately the unnatural dialogue (script writing is free so no excuses), bad acting, poor casting and lame SFX negate most of its retro appeal.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageHorror Stories 2
(Mu-seo-un Iyagi 2)

One Sentence Review:
Even though the SFX in 'Horror Stories 2' are mostly CGI, the segments of this Korean Anthology, that range from downright creepy to hilarious and bizarre, are strong enough to supersede all the dreadful, pixelated cartooniness to make this sequel, overall, a big improvement on its predecessor.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageDark Haul
One Sentence Review:
'Dark Haul' follows the standard Made for SyFy movie making check list:

**A cast mostly comprised of unknown and untalented actors who will work for a free lunch
...CHECK!

**At least one washed-up actor or pop icon for name recognition
...CHECK!

**CGI that was rendered on a LeapPad by the producer's five year old son
...CHECK!

**A script constructed by monkeys flinging their poo at generic storyline templates - anything that sticks makes it in
...DOUBLE CHECK!!
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Mummy's Revenge
One Sentence TBT Review:
I love me some Paul Naschy, as any real Horror fan should but even more than Naschy, I love me some Mummy films so merging the two together ... well, let's just say that my erection lasted for more than four hours and a trip to the emergency room was required ... totally worth it!
(get the English subtitled version, the American dub is fucking awful)
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageSilverhide
One Sentence Review:
It's clear that Writer/Director Keith R. Robinson's heart was in the right place when making this film but sometimes that's not enough, sometimes passion needs to be backed by a little technical know-how, such as the ability to mix audio so that the dialogue doesn't sound like muffled, unintelligible mumbling emanating from the bottom of a tin can.  
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageNightlight
One Sentence Review:
If the Olympics had an 85 minute relay race where the runners ran through the woods repeatedly passing a flashlight-camera(what?) back & forth to each other, instead of a baton, while 'something' in the dark follows them around rustling bushes and trees - 'Nightlight' would be the footage from that event but as far as determining who the winner is, I can safely say that it's not the audience.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Harvest
One Sentence Review:
I guess, John McNaughton decided that making Horror movies is OK again (after a 26 years absence from the genre) and he comes out swinging with 'The Harvest' - a captivating and suspenseful little plot-twister that introduces us to Katherine, the most frightening and psychotic, home caregiver since Annie Wilkes in Stephen King's Misery.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Unliving
aka Tomb Of The Werewolf
One Sentence TBT Review:
Here's a little known fact - the embarrassment of appearing in a movie this bad caused such a drastic decline in, Horror legend, Paul Naschy's health that it would eventually lead to his death from pancreatic cancer just a short five years after its release.
(at least, that's the way I see it)
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageEchoes
One Sentence Review:
When I'm watching a mediocre movie such as 'Echoes' with a storyline that is an unoriginal rehashing of hundreds of films that came before it, it makes me wonder, did the script writer (Nils Timm) lay his pen down after finishing the final draft and delusively say to himself, "I've done it! This story will be remembered as a groundbreaking moment in Horror cinema history." or is it more like a really good fart - he's equal parts proud and embarrassed that he produced it?
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageA Girl Walks Home Alone At Night
One Sentence Review:
This film definitely has some interesting aspects and it's beautifully shot - an industrial landscape filmed in rich black & white but Arthouse Vampires sure aren't as frightening as the normal variety and I think it's because that, in reality, while they are soul-searchingly staring off into space for the 10 to 15 minutes before they decide to attack, most of their victims would probably be able to simply walk away without the bloodsuckers even noticing.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageIt Follows
One Sentence Review:
'It Follows' is definitely not without faults - I found the movie's heavy-handed sexual promiscuity message to be a distraction that subtracted from its overall effectiveness and at least one additional violent kill would have further established the viciousness of 'IT' and broken up the monotony of all the escape scenes but mostly, the film is an indie, breath of fresh air that uses slow burning tension and an amazing soundtrack (the best in years) by Rich Vreeland to repeatedly and relentlessly scare the pants of its audience.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageLong Weekend
One Sentence TBT Review:
If Horror films have taught us anything, it's that Karma is a bitch but not a bigger bitch than Mother Nature so you better not fuck with her and 'Long Weekend' masterfully uses that theme to build a sense of dread while slowly dropping subtle hints that something is amiss in the natural world and it's about to reach its boiling point.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageLong Weekend '08
One Sentence TBT Review:
This well made 2008 remake is extremely faithful to the original, in fact, it's pretty much a shot-for-shot retelling of the story but there is one key element that is overlooked, nothing new or significant was added to the film so why would anyone watch this "reimagining" when they could just watch the much cooler 1978 version?
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageFrom The Dark
One Sentence Review:
'From The Dark' has no storyline (seriously, there is none) and what little character development there is in this film is mostly done on the fly, while the blood is already splattering but somehow it works, like mainlining the Horror straight to the heart without all the bullshit getting in the way so while this movie won't please the cinema purists, it's a simple but very effective, action packed Vamp-fest for the rest of us.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageSpring
One Sentence Review:
You better stock up on tampons and strap on your Chick-Flick-Vagina if you are going to tackle this estrogen filled snoozer because 'Spring' is 99.9% love story with .1% Horror and that point one percent isn't remotely cool enough to make up for suffering through the rest of it.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageLet Us Prey
One Sentence Review:
'A mysterious drifter is hauled into a small town jail but he is much more than he appears to be on the outside' - it's not exactly an original premise for a movie but 'Let Us Prey' is very well made and does a great job of building suspense as the mystery unfolds so it's really unfortunate that it takes a big, corny dump in the very last scene of the film or as we like to say around here, it fucking Dog-Babies.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageCompliance
One Sentence TBT Review:
It's mind blowing to think that this film is based on actual events because I would definitely call bullshit on its premise if I didn't know for a fact that it follows the true story almost exactly and if anything, tames down the intensity of certain details of the crime (would've been even better if it didn't) so Compliance's compelling storyline combined with a standout performance from Pat Healy (he's ultra-creepy and hilarious at the same time) makes this movie well worth seeking out.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageBury
One Sentence Review:
With no characters to like, no tanglible suspense or scares to be had and only a jumble of indiscernible action scenes to work with, there really isn't much to base this review on so, I will simply say that, 'Bury' is just another generic Found-Footage film adrift in a sea of hundreds of better ones.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageBackcountry
One Sentence Review:
If Grizzly (aka Red Machine) is the new Jaws of wilderness films (trust me it is) then 'Backcountry' is the new Open Water, with a terrifying storyline that is based on true events and skillfully focuses on the strained relationship of a young couple as they suddenly find themselves at the bottom of the food chain with only each other to lean on.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Brotherhood Of Satan
One Sentence TBT Review:
TBOS is another prime example of a Horror movie that will forever live with the stigma of being labeled as a "Drive-in Film" and thus swept aside by many cinema elitists and I feel sorry for those people because they are really missing out on a very well made Devil-Cult flick that has all the wonderful, dread and hopelessness that you would expect from 70's era filmmaking.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Burning Dead
One Sentence Review:
Well, surprise, surprise, here's another movie by hack extraordinaire, Writer/Director Rene Perez (creator of such shit-piles as: Alien Showdown & Demon Hunter) and it's a total CGI suck-fest, what a shocker.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageMuck
One Sentence Review:
If there were a criminal justice system for punishing bad filmmakers, Writer/Director Steve Wolsh would be sitting on death row for thinking that naked titty-actresses and stupid references to other Horror movies are a substitute for a coherent storyline - in other words, 'Muck' SUCKS and so does that dickhead Steve Wolsh!
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageMoontrap
One Sentence TBT Review:
If you are looking for Industrial Light and Magic style quality in your Sci-Fi films then you should probably pass on by 'Moontrap' but if you love Sci-Fi, B-movie Horror like I do, this flick is a perfect fit and need I even mention that it stars the man himself, Bruce-F'ing-Campbell.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageTom Holland's Twisted Tales
One Sentence Review:
Most of the segments of this uneven anthology are appallingly horrendous thanks, in part, to the terrible, late 80's style, Green Screen FX that make you very aware that you are watching a no budget web series but even more unnatural than the SFX are Horror Host, Tom Holland's poorly written and badly delivered introductions.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Woman In Black 2: Angel Of Death
One Sentence Review:
Well, it's decades later and Jennet Humfrye (The Woman In Black) is kinda up to her old tricks and I say "kinda" because apparently the vengeful spirit that loves killing children (like a whole town full of them) kinda doesn't anymore, in fact, she kinda befriends one of them and even though she has a house full of kids at her murderous fingertips, she only strategically knocks off a couple of them in an attempt to make an adult woman kill herself (?) because she gave up looking for her child who was taken from her when ... ugh, whatever, ya gotta at least follow the rules set by the original if you want to make a good sequel.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageCub
One Sentence Review:
Whether it be from bad script writing or poor editing, 'Cub' definitely leaves some crucial plot holes unfilled and that hurts the film overall but its intriguing twist on the classic Camp-Slasher theme ultimately overrides its mistakes and makes for an unpredictable and pretty entertaining viewing.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageNight Game
One Sentence TBT Review:
Even though it was released in 1989, 'Night Game' has the feel of a 70's made for TV Thriller with solid acting (gotta love Roy Scheider) and a great storyline that will keep you guessing as the tension mounts, the mystery deepens and the bodies pile up.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Pyramid
One Sentence Review:
'The Pyramid' is a merging of bad Found Footage (the standard FF camera rules are completely abandoned around the halfway mark) with Universal Studio's 1999 abortion, The Mummy so the whole movie I was waiting for that jerk-off Brendan Fraser to show his jerk-off face and then be shot from a camera angle that isn't possible for the established amount of cameras and the positions of the characters who are carrying them.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageClown
One Sentence Review:
It's hard to be optimistic going into a movie with such a ridiculous premise and the goofy beginning of this film definitely doesn't do much in the way of gaining ones confidence but once the guts start spilling and the blood starts spraying (tremendous SFX by Raymond and Rosalie Mackintosh), 'Clown' totally redeems itself and proves that it ain't no motherfucking kiddie ride.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageJulia
One Sentence Review:
'Julia' conveys a lot of its story by use of gorgeous cinematography so if you're looking for non-stop action with buckets of blood look elsewhere but if you love a slow-burn, like I do, you will be rewarded with a beautifully crafted story of tragedy, retribution and empowerment.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageCauldron Of Blood
One Sentence TBT Review:
If you strip away the groovy 60's soundtrack and trippy psychedelic visuals, 'Cauldron Of Blood' is, at its core, a classic Horror tale that borrows heavily from films like, 1933's Mystery of the Wax Museum and it couldn't be a more perfect fit for, what would be, one of the last films to star the legendary Boris Karloff
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Coven
One Sentence Review:
According to ancient texts, satan loves chasing teenagers around the woods on his motorcycle, not catching them but just repeatedly following them through the forest while revealing nothing of himself but close up shots of his bike's headlight and 'The Coven' is, thus far, the most accurate representation of this activity ever committed to film.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageBacktrack
One Sentence Review:
'Backtrack' has a few decent torture scenes but their effectiveness is diminished by some pretty subpar SFX so that along with the New Age, mumbo-jumbo storyline (past life regression, Akashic records ... ugh!) causes this film's transcendence to the astral plane where all the shitty movies reside.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageGirl House
One Sentence Review:
To be considered a instant classic, a Slasher film should have: lots of sex & nudity, cool innovative kills scenes, tons of blood & gore and a seriously brutal killer wearing a nightmare inducing mask and 'Girl House' meets, surpasses and completely destroys all of these requirements so long live 'Loverboy', the new Slasher king of 2015.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageBlackwoods
One Sentence TBT Review:
I wanted this one sentence review to simply read, "CLINT-FUCKING-HOWARD!" because I am a huge fan and for me, it pretty much covers the greatness of every film that he has ever appeared in but even the non-Clint Howard scenes of 'Blackwoods' are pretty good and they weave a twisty little tale that will keep you guessing right up until the end so, with all parts combined and I can't believe that I'm saying this, I really enjoyed this Uwe Boll film (seriously, I did).
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageDigging Up The Marrow
One Sentence Review:
Ray Wise turns in an incredible performance in DUTM and that is no small feat when considering that the script is, at best, a subpar found-footage story and at worst, just a vehicle for Adam Green to promote himself (a smirky D-bag who wears his own movie shirts?), his production company and the projects that he's done.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageCrazy Bitches
One Sentence Review:
When a Screenwriter unites a group of insufferable cunts this annoying in a script, there had better be the bloodiest of massacres to compensate for every excruciating second that the audience is subjected to their grating personalities
but unfortunately, 'Crazy Bitches' Writer/Director, Jane Clark never brings the goods - not even fucking close and even if she had tried, it's unlikely that the 80 trillion dollar FX budget required would ever be recouped through DVD sales.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThrowback
One Sentence Review:
With a Yowie (that's Australian for Big Foot) made of shag carpet remnants and some very uneven acting performances, it's a miracle that this film is at all watchable but Writer/Director, Travis Bain wisely keeps the pace brisk and the monster out of focus so that along with an amazing Richard Band soundtrack makes 'Throwback' a somewhat passable action-Horror flick.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageOrca
One Sentence TBT Review:
This film takes a little snooze somewhere around the third act as Captain Nolan's (the great Richard Harris) last scrap of sanity along with his boat chug slowly out to sea but aside from that, 'Orca', a reversal of the Moby Dick tale that has the whale seeking revenge on the Captain, contains some powerful moments and seamless practical FX that make Bruce, the shark in Jaws, look like a Jim Henson muppet. 
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageWyrmwood
One Sentence Review:
'Wyrmwood' is a very well made and fairly entertaining Zombie-Apocalypse action film but Writer/Director, Kiah Roache-Turner's attempts at reinventing standard Zombie conventions with his own ridiculous twists adds nothing useful to the genre and hurt this film as a whole.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageGrizzly aka Red Machine
One Sentence Review:
Sorry, folks but 'Grizzly' (yeah, I know but it's not a remake) isn't 'Bearnado' or 'Bearricane' or any other stupid combination of CGI animal and meteorological disaster, it's just a film that takes everything that's great about the 70's 'nature gone wild' movies and amps the intensity up to a level that makes the great outdoors a really scary fucking place again.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Ouija Resurrection 
One Sentence Review:
The best part about this totally shitty sequel is that it's only loosely connected to the shitty storyline of the shitty original so it's not necessary to sit through the shittiness of part one to appreciate the shittiness of part two.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageVenom
One Sentence TBT Review:
'Venom' is an odd combination of 'nature gone wild' and 'hostage standoff' themes but thanks to some great script writing and a talented cast & crew (a special shout-out goes to animal handler, David Ball for enabling the use of a live and extremely deadly, Black Mamba snake) 
 it works and the result is a very entertaining and tense, early 80's thriller.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageOuija
One Sentence Review:
Writer/Director Stiles White executes
generic Hollywood ghost story template ES23 in conjunction with teen cast package QT18 resulting in a film so bland and unmemorable that I'm struggling to recall any of the storyline just a short three days after watching it.
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageWolves
One Sentence Review:
Picture any generic 'new kid in town' teen romance storyline (a la Karate Kid), substitute all the human beings with cute n' cuddly, CGI were-kittens and then you will have already seen the stinking, litter box sausage that is the movie, 'Wolves' so now there is no need to insult your brain by actually sitting through it.
(you're welcome)
Would I Watch It?
image      NO
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Turnpike Killer
One Sentence Review:
I have to say, I was digging the gritty, New York-Grindhouse vibe of TTK and I would definitely recommend it to fans of that era but for me, a person who believes that low-budget Horror needs to be kept simple, the storyline gets a little too convoluted and a lot too ridiculous at the very end of the film.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageHome Movie
One Sentence TBT Review:
Writer/Director Christopher Denham slowly peels back the covers on the lives of an ideal but not so perfect family and lets the tension simmer while building up to an explosive climax that leaves just the right amount of questions unanswered to make 'Home Movie' a solid contender for the best 'creepy-kid' movie ever made.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageFear Clinic
One Sentence Review:
'Fear Clinic' is a throwback to the mid 1980's/early 90's era of Horror filmmaking but I'm talking about the generic direct to video releases not the theatrical ones so, for example, if this film were part of the Tobe Hooper filmography, it would be equivalent to Spontaneous Combustion not The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, mildly entertaining but definitely not memorable.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageCoyote
One Sentence Review:
Bill Oberst Jr is a great actor (buy Children Of Sorrow) so I am more than happy to watch him chew up 75 minutes of scenery but when all is said & done, even the talented Mr. Oberst needs an interesting storyline to add some structure to his scenes and unfortunately, Writer/Director Trevor Juenger never provides this.
Would I Watch It?
image      YES
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

*REVIEW ARCHIVES*