MONSTER MOVIE RANTS

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THE ANGRY BITCHING OF A GRUMPY OLD HORROR MOVIE FAN
  -WARNING-
If you are humorless, sensitive or politically correct, this section is not for you!!

June 29th
Unless you are a 13 year old girl, you will not be permitted entrance without proof of mental retardation!!

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June 26th
I feel like Johnny Depp is trying really hard to make me hate him. 
Is that true, Johnny? Are you intentionally messing with me? It's the only way to explain the giant bird on your fucking head!!!

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June 23rd
Damn you to Hell, Salvation Army for making me choose between my strict policy of not supporting any christian based organizations and my gluttonous lust for VHS Horror! 
You won this round, baby jesus but who will win the war?
(They were $.59, people, come on!!!)

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June 22nd
Not to be confused with 'Chainsaw Massacre' because it says 'Roadside' not 'Chainsaw' ...but he is holding a chainsaw ...still, not an attempt to profit off an established franchise... Tobe Hooper, don't even think about suing!!

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June 20th
Hey, Arrow, remember us, the USA, the largest consumer in the world? 
Make a fucking effort, huh?!!

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June 19th
Am I the only one that thinks the Insidious demon looks like Darth Maul?!?

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June 17th
I've decided that I will never affiliate MMAPP with any movie distributors, production companies, actors or directors. I don't want to feel obligated to change my opinion or have pressure in any way to be anything but completely honest and true to Horror, myself and you readers.
Stay Rogue...Stay True...Stay Honest!!

June 16th
Just to be clear, I collect VHS because I love watching analog Horror movies, not because I want to impress people with how rare and valuable my collection is.

June 15th
Horror fans always flap their gums about how great EC Comics were but I don't see any of them supporting modern Horror comics which are just as good if not better.   

June 13th
We need an Insidious 2?
I don't know, the first one was just a Poltergeist ripoff to me.

June 12th
Is this Horror or gay porn?!?

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June 11th
What, no crossbow?!?

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June 10th
Does 'Starring Uwe Boll' mean the movie is just as terrible as one that says 'Directed by Uwe Boll' ???

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June 9th
I've finally narrowed down the source of every bad movie ever made and his name is Paul A. Birkett.

June 8th
Have no fear, Adam Marcus who co-wrote the script for Texas Chainsaw 3D and wrote/directed Jason Goes to Hell is now writing/directing a remake of the Val Lewton classic I Walked with a Zombie 
We are in good hands!!

June 7th
On behave of the Untied States, I would like to formally apologize to the UK for this.
Please, don't take this film as an act of aggression toward your country.

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UK DVD release 8/13

June 4th
These are the kind of hard hitting questions you must ask to become a major player in the Horror industry!!

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June 2nd
You just know that any movie starring a pink haired Wil Wheaton is gonna be a cinematic masterpiece.

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June 1st
A good vendor room is the backbone of a Horror Con for hardcore fans. Fuck that up, and we won't be back!!

May 31st
Crap-tastic film making tip:

Have an actor so weird looking that the audience will find it hard to not focus them. Like a little girl that looks like Corey Feldman in a pigtail wig for example.

May 29th
Targeting the posting of movie trailers in the war on copyright infringement is like targeting marijuana in the war on drugs.

May 28th
Why would you want to stop the sharing of your movie's trailer? Isn't that free advertising? 
(STUPID)

May 26th
Has there ever been a good Horror Con Q&A Emcee? 

May 25th
Apple can suck my balls but the iphone version of MMAPP is in the works!

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May 23rd
If you use the words 'Newbie' or 'Noob' you might be an internet jerkoff...I mean, definitely, yes, you're definitely an internet jerkoff!!

May 19th
I bought this POS at a Con. It sounds like it was recorded in a tile bathroom on a 1980's Soundesign cassette recorder with a microphone packed with years of lint, dust and hair.
Fucking hacks...gimme my money back!!

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May 18th
Ladies ... this is how the costume is suppose to look!! Notice, there's no oozing fat.

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May 16th
Dear Netflix, 
Don't tell me the DVD release date is "unknown" when I know it's being released in a few days!! This is why your business is failing. Make a fucking effort, will ya?!?

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May 15th
Yeah, I know Warm Bodies is available On Demand but I don't care and neither should you!!

May 14th
Watching The Ghost Breakers recently reminded me that Bob Hope wasn't funny, even for the 40's but he sure was racist!!

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May 12th
I'm not a VHS-Hipster, I actually lived through the home video craze of the 80's!!

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May 11th
Aw, that's a fucking shame!!
"ABC’s “Gothica” Pilot Not Picked Up"

May 7th

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May 5th
Unpopular Opinion:

Tarantino only knows how to make other people's movies worse by filling them full of bullshit, hipster dialogue.

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May 4th
I just need to check, the Star Wars movies were rated PG not G, right? I would like to be frozen in carbonite and wake up after Disney is done ass-fucking the series. Guess I won't see you all for a long time!!
...oh, and "May the 4th be with you"...
Played-out!!

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May 2nd
Crap-tastic film making tip:

Have a "crack team" of anyone brought in to do anything.

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May 1st
Two gay films that go gay together!!

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April 30th
Crap-tastic film making tip:

Cast two actors who look identical so the viewers are constantly confused.

April 28th
This guys sets off every douchebag alarm in my body!!

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(Zak Bagans)

April 27th
'Scream' the MTV series?!? I know he has nothing to do with it but I'm still gonna blame that jerk-meat Joss Whedon.

April 23rd
If you say the term "scary movie" you are definitely not a horror fan!!

April 20th
Now, YouTube is up to 37 second commercials before some of their videos?!? Say goodnight YouTube, it's time for the next big thing!!

April 17th
Fuck "Horror fans" who know nothing about Horror movies and are only in it so they can play dress up at conventions!
That's a nice cowboy hat that you only wear twice a year, now piss off and go watch some movies!!

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April 14th
Stupid Quote:

"Fans of the original 'Evil Dead' series who have been waiting for the remake of the classic horror movie."
Who are those fans?!?

April 13th
GAY!!
(Click the steaming pile below)

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April 9th
How could the idea for Master of Horrors have come from such a mediocre (being extremely kind) Director? 
His episodes for his own series even sucked!!

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Mick Garris

April 7th
Do you think that the SyFy channel knows the term 'made-for SyFy' is now commonly used as meaning any shitty movie?

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April 6th
There was a time when Michael Madsen and William Forsythe in a Horror movie together would've meant awesome things but now.....

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April 3rd
Fuck you AND your Rondo Award!!

April 2nd
Not really a rant but a message to everyone. I'm aware that the pop-up ads are becoming so fucking horrendous that the APP is almost unusable. (Thank the A-holes at Appgeyser) I am working hard to find a developer that can write ad-free versions of the APP for Android, iOS and Windows 8 so please, hang in there!! 

March 31st
I know a lot of you out there love professional wrestling and Horror/wrestling crossovers but fuck me, I sure wish you didn't!!

March 30th
Hansel & Gretel Witch Hunters is getting a June 11th DVD release. Just enjoy the time you have left before the TV promos start. Live, damn it ... just live your life!!

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March 29th
Sam Raimi was quoted as saying that Mila Kunis has a "Really sinister dark side." It's sad when cult Horror film makers go all "Hollywood" and have to lower themselves to kissing vapid, A-list actress ass while doing press for a shitty children's movie!!

March 28th
Why the fuck would you need to pre-order an On Demand movie?!? 

March 27th
I don't want to blame the homosexuals for turning all my beloved Horror classics into Musical Plays but I still fucking do!!

March 26th
Dread Central is like one big, flashing pop-up ad. I don't want to take your fucking survey or watch the shitty movie that you got paid to promote!!

March 24th
Unpopular Opinion:

Jessica Biel is a horse-face.

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March 21th
I saw two new movies that got a Blu-ray only release, no DVDs. 
It has begun....fucking weak!!

March 18th
Does 'Uwe Boll presents' mean the movie is just as terrible as one that says 'Directed by Uwe Boll' ???

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Uwe Boll

March 18th
I didn't know Bret Michaels was a twin and when did they start making shitty Horror movies?

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Christopher Saint BoothPhilip Adrian Booth

March 14th
"Netflix Announces ‘Netflix Social’"

Better late than never.
Another sign that Netflix is fat and lazy!!

March 12th
There's no way a made for SyFy Chupacabra movie starring Erik Estrada could suck, right? Uh...just click the pic.

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March 11th
'Torture porn' .... what stupid asshole came up with that term? I'm just gonna blame Rodger Ebert!

March 10th
Dear Thrift Store Owners,

Please, stop looking at Ebay to set your prices. If I wanted to pay retail, I would save gas money and just shop online!!

March 9th
Unpopular Opinion:

Elvira is not fucking funny .... even for a chick!!

March 5th
"Please, do a rant on how Rami (Sam) announces an 'Evil Dead 4' after they already made a remake .... RETARDED!!"
-Demitri
I agree, I should but you already did.

March 4th
BREAKING NEWS:
The DVD cover art has been released for John Dies at the End. Does it suck?..YEP!!

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March 3rd
Why is AMC acting like presenting The Walking Dead in black & white is some awesome event? I can turn the color down on my TV and watch everything in B&W if I wanted to.

Feb 27th
Unpopular Opinion:

I don't like A Clockwork Orange or Malcolm McDowell

Feb 26th
I'd rather see Rue Morgue go back to black&white print than whore themselves out to the highest bidder!!

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(Ad in Rue Morgue #130)

Feb 24th
Don't forget the Oscars are on tonight. 
You have all day to find something else to watch!

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Feb 22nd
Hot chick with bad witch makeup?
How are ugly actresses with real warts suppose to get jobs?!?

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Feb 21st
Dawn of the Mummy is what the crappy Universal remake should have been!!

Feb 20th
I hope at least some of the state of Georgia is boycotting The Walking Dead for butchering their accent!

Feb 19th
Steampunk gives film makers a free pass to ass-rape historical fact. Just have a character wearing goggles on top of their head and let the bullshit fly!!

Feb 18th
Dear Horror Con Promoters,
"Scare-aoke" maybe fun for the drunk dorks on stage but it's fucking terrible for anyone listening!!

Feb 17th
Never trust a movie that switches directors and/or writers part way through filming!!

Feb 16th
I'd like to thank all the metrosexuals out there for my growing collection of Horror T's with scooping women's necklines and short girly sleeves. 
Thanks for changing how men's T-shirts are cut, fucking assholes!!

Feb 15th
Holy Fuck!! Was this really the poster for Saw 3D?!? Looks like a Michael Jackson Album!!

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(Lame)

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Feb 13th
This is the best Fangoria can do for their movies releases?!? Looks like a bad indie comic book. With all of their resources, there's no excuse!

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Feb 12th
When I see pilot fish on a shark in a Horror movie it somehow makes them less frightening. Pussy shark can't even clean it's own skin of ectoparasites!!

Feb 9th
Wow, it's true! Tom Savini is the Hollywood fuck-ass that everyone says he is. I guess hundreds of reports don't lie.

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Feb 8th
Ethically, I become conflicted when faced with posting Corey Feldman DVDs
in Monster Movie DVD Releases. I somehow feel like my reputation will be tarnished
by representing his current work as actual movies.

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(His hand signals mean that he is twice the A-hole as your average celebrity)

Feb 7th
Still waiting for those human brown-eyes at Netflix to send me Sleep Tight
"Long wait", my ass!
You don't have it ... Just admit it!!

Feb 6th
After all these years, I don't know why I'm surprised that 99.9% of the people I meet at Horror Cons are full of shit but I still am.

Feb 5th
To get over Horror Con depression you need at least seven days of exposure to how terrible the real world is!!

Jan 30th
Why hasn't Blu-ray failed yet just based on the packaging alone? I mean, does every case have to be blue just because it's the name of the format?
Lame!! 

Jan 28th
BREAKING NEWS
Scientists have just discovered a direct connection between the size of a Director's homo-metro-scarf and the shittiness of his movies.
More updates as they become available...

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Jan 27th
Rue Morgue magazine voted The Cabin in the Woods the #1 movie of 2012!?! And if that's not bad enough they also called it "intelligent"!?! Apparently, they fired 
their entire writing staff and replaced them with 13 year old girls because as far as I know, they are the only ones who found that movie intellectually challenging!

Jan 26th
From Dead Snow to Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters? Shame on you Tommy Wirkola.

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I guess the hat says it all!!
(Greedy whore)

Jan 25th
I like to say offensive things on here and watch the uninstalls spike for that day. So far the hot buttons are 'The Cabin in the Woods' (REALLY?!?) and the retarded. 
Such a bunch of pussies!!

Jan 24th
Thank you, Brendan Fraser for the combination of dread and excitement that I feel every time I see 'The Mummy' listed on my preview channel. Going into the movie description is like opening a gift and not knowing whether it will be something great, the Karloff or Lee classics, or something fucking terrible
like your shitty remake! 

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(Jerk-off)

Jan 23rd
Ever feel like you're being cheated?
The cover of the US 'From Beyond' looks like a Scooby-Doo cartoon!!

*applies to US readers only. Our European brothers are doing great!!*

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Jan 22nd
I'm not watching a 30 second commercial to get to your movie trailer!
Go shit in your hat!!

Jan 20th
Was Ghost House Pictures a disappointment or what?

Jan 18th
What's with all the retards on American Horror Story

Jan 16th
I'm proud to say that Monster Movie APP has over a 50% uninstall rate. This might seem disheartening to most but to me it is as it should be. In my eyes, more than 50% of the Horror community wouldn't understand what I am attempting to do with this app. I would much rather have a small group of real Horror fans who get it than pander to 500,000 idiot-posers!
For those of you who stuck around .... You're awesome! ... as for the rest of you.....

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Jan 14th
You can go suck it Ronny Yu! We don't need you directing Horror movies anyway!
*click the goofy looking fuck below to read why*

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Jan 12th
Is it wrong that I get pissed when obscure movies finally get released on DVD just because it decreases the value of my VHS?

Jan 11th
How is the shooting in Connecticut related to the TCM 3D premiere?
Ask these assholes:
*click the steaming pile of shit below*

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Jan 10th
Looking at this year's Con lineup, it is very apparent which promoters aren't really horror fans, which ones are just copying the innovators and which ones use the Cons to stroke their own egos. This year I will be traveling more to support the good ones. I hope everyone does the same.

Jan 8th
I'll take this....

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over this all day!!

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Jan 7th
Am I the only one who finds it disgusting that the Horror industry (and others) are harassing their fans for project funding? Similar to televangelists, what ultimately happens is dim witted, low income people will invest money they can't afford so they can be part of the group.
Do it yourself, get real investors who can afford it or don't do it at all!
Fuck KickStarter!!

Jan 5th
They have officially run out of good ideas!!

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Jan 4th
Look, no tits!!

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Jan 3rd
16 years and still no Horror Host show? Fucking weak, guys!!

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Jan 2nd
We need to support companies like After Dark FilmsGlass Eye Pix and Magnet Releasing in 2013!
Become the Robin-fuckin-Hood of Horror, steal the big budget Hollywood bullshit and buy the quality independents!

Dec 31st
Ugh! Another year of Uwe Boll movies!

Dec 30th
Cabin in the Woods is by far the worst horror film of 2012. Sure, maybe on paper it wouldn't seem so. After all, the acting wasn't to bad and it was all slick and shiny from the millions of dollars spent to produce it. So, lets just say it is the most damaging movie of 2012. Films like this are candy coated for the masses and bring in a lot of revenue. Which means we can all look forward to a 2013 full of vapid, big budget Horror to dilute the genre. Thanks to 'Cabin in the Woods', the bar has been set very low again.

Dec 28th
Cancelled?!?
Seemed like such a good idea!

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Dec 27th
Netflix has Dark Shadows listed under 'Scifi/fantasy ...sad... but as long as that POS isn't anywhere near the Horror genre I'm happy!

Dec 26th
Dear Netflix,
You have the most pathetic search engine I've have ever seen on a professional website.

Dec 25th
And thus starts the never ending "Best of 2012" lists. Here is a particularly ridiculous one. 
Click the steaming pile of Xmas shit below:

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Dec 24th
Congrats to the internet for bringing  thousands of Horror fans together online so we can ignore and not support each others projects. 

No idea has ever survived the addition of the human element because we are all jealous, assholes by nature no matter how phony the exterior.

Dec 23th
I don't understand the fascination with mask wearing stuntmen. (Michael Myers, Jason etc) Fans line up to pay $20 for their autographs?!?
I'll give them a dollar for every line they had in the movie!

Dec 22th
If you see this, calmly put the movie down and walk away as fast as possible without causing a scene .... fuck it, just run!

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Dec 21th
If I see one more picture of 'The Walking Dead' cast with Lightsabers..... I mean, how are the two even remotely related?!? Not creative ... lame!

Dec 20th
Doesn't anyone know that remaking this show already failed in the 80's and the 2000's?

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"New 'Twilight Zone' series in the works"

Dec 19th
Joe Spinell wasn't a fucking Hobbit!

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imageManiac 2012


Dec 18th
I hope Luke Perry doesn't have enough money to co-produce part 3!

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Part 2

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Dec 16th
Doesn't anyone know that this show already failed in 1987?

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1987

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Dec 14th
Time to pass on the reins guys.
The masters of horror are now the masters of snorers!

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    Craven           Romero         Hooper        Carpenter

Dec 12th
How could a Bigfoot movie starring Frank Stallone possibly suck?!
Here's how....

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Dec 11th
Un-fucking-watchable

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Dec 10th
Warm Bodies? ..... suck my warm balls!!

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Dec 9th
Christmas Evil the #1 Xmas movie? Beware of retarded bloggers during the holiday season.

Dec 7th
Bill Murray is correct, it would take a miracle script for this not to come off sad and pathetic.

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Dec 6th
IFC when will you drop the 'I' for independent from your name? The Eye-FC would be more accurate. Greedy twats!

Dec 5th
The Asylum: Has never made a watchable movie!

Dec 4rd
 Chemical Burn Entertainment: Should spend more money on making quality films and less on marketing!

Dec 3rd
Stop trying to re-categorize my Horror movies. "Well technically, that movie is really a crime drama." .... Fuck You!!

Dec 2nd
HACK!

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Cleve Hall

Dec 1st
By the time you watch the Official teaser trailer, the Official redband trailer, the Official TV spot trailer, the Official-Official trailer and read all the articles and reviews, do you really need to see the movie? 

Nov 30th
This goofball needs to stick with comedy!

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John Landis

Nov 29th
99.9% of made for TV Horror sucks horse cock....Don't fall for it!

Nov 28th
If the audio of the movie you are posting (on legal downloading sites) isn't English, then why the fuck is the description in English?!

Nov 27th
Is there anything lower than a Horror Con kiss-ass? Keep in mind that no matter how much salad you toss, you're still just a ticket sale to the promoters. Have some fucking pride!

Nov 26th
Any chance this weird fucker will start making Action movies and leave my genre alone?

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Tim Burton

Nov 25th
Horror + Dungeon and Dragons = Goth Dork

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Nov 24th
If a Horror film takes place on a cruise ship, you know it's gonna fucking suck! 

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Nov 21th
Someone needs to make a really good Thanksgiving Horror film......and don't give me that ThanksKilling bullshit!

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Nov 20th
Wow, look at the detail! ..... Who the fuck is collecting these things?!?

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Nov 19th
Why would we listen to Bruce Campbell's opinion on the Evil Dead remake? Have you seen Man with the Screaming Brain?!?

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Nov 18th
I want to know who blew who to get this made-for-SyFy, POS a major box office release?

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Nov 17th
Is there any way to secure DVDs other than slapping hard to remove stickers all over them? Some of us collect them, you fucks!

Nov 15th
Try to stay in touch with the people you meet at Horror Con's, I dare you. Bunch of phony-ass, poser, motherfuckers!!

Nov 14th
*insert rant from Nov 13th*

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Director/Producer King Kong (2005)


Nov 13th
Who appointed this greasy whore the Ambassador of Horror? 

imageGuillermo del Toro
Producer of 'Kung Fu Panda' 2 & 3!


Nov 12th
Who's responsible for this jerk off?? 

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Joss Whedon
Creator of 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'!

Nov 10th
Please stop humanizing Zombies in the movies! You're only further encouraging the 'Zombie walk' dorks!

Nov 7th
Currently Trending:
#HashtagsAreForASSHOLES

Nov 6th
Can everyone just fuck off with the "memes" already?!? We get it, you know how to share stupid, unoriginal ideas in picture format!

Nov 5th
When did serious Horror movies become funny to the average fan? Go to a screening at any Horror Con and listen while the crowd cracks up at the most inappropriate scenes. It's the kind of shit that makes us ALL look bad!

Nov 5th
I've found that most "Horror fans" watch everything BUT Horror movies. 

Oct 30th
Hurricane Sandy update:
Nervously waiting for the C.H.U.D. death toll reports. I hope everyone is OK!! .... except for Bud, he can fucking die!

Oct 29th
It's important for Horror Con promoters to never place themselves before the celebrities or more importantly the fans. As soon as you anoint yourself the King and/or Queen of the convention world your reign will soon end!!

Oct 23rd
Does EVERY new DVD/T-shirt have to use retro style painted designs?!? 
They take a good idea and beat you with it until you hate it!