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ONE SENTENCE HORROR MOVIE REVIEWS

*REVIEW ARCHIVES*

imageDarker Than Night - 2014
(Mas Negro Que La Noche)
One sentence review:
I hope you will understand that this is a good ghost story and a very well made movie, in fact, standing on its own, I would probably recommend buying it but because all remakes are subject to comparison to their original films, I will have to give this "re-imagining" a hard thumbs down based solely on all the unnecessary and detrimental changes that were made to the storyline in an attempt to modernize it.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageDarker Than Night - 1975
(Mas Negro Que La Noche)
One sentence TBT review:
A simple but eerie ghost story that feels like the Mexican version of a Hammer-Horror film, hitting all the right nerves with the use of an atmospheric Gothic mansion and a terrifying, old crone apparition that seeks vengeance from beyond the grave.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageOut Of The Dark
One sentence review:
Based on attractiveness, I've always had a hard time buying Julia Stiles as a leading actress (the bitch has a head like a pumpkin with one flat side) but aside from her, 'Out Of The Dark' is a disturbing ghost story with a hauntingly beautiful,  Colombian backdrop and an intriuging storyline that pushes the plot in one constant direction before abruptly shifting gears at the very end.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imagePreservation
One sentence review:
Christopher Denham is making quite a name for himself in the indie Horror world, as an actor (definitely check out his amazing performance in Forgetting The Girl) and also as a top notch Writer/Director with films like 2008's Home Movie and now his latest offering, Preservation, which may not add anything new to the Survival-Horror subgenre but it's most certainly a tense, well crafted entry and totally worth a watch. 
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageNo Good Deed
One sentence review:
This violent and unpredictable home invasion film stands as proof that, when skillfully crafted, a PG-13 rating doesn't necessarily have to mean the kiss of death to Horror fans looking for an intense movie to watch.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Flesh Eaters
One sentence TBT review:
Despite a few cheesy moments, 'The Flesh Eaters' is a great, old creature feature and an influential front runner (along with Blood Feast, which was released just one year earlier) in Horror movie gore with scenes of shocking, on screen bloodshed the likes of which the filmgoing audience had not seen at the time it was made.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageDark Summer
One sentence review:
With six years between his amazing, feature length debut, Grace and 'Dark Summer', it's a relief to see that Paul Solet hasn't lost any of his impressive directing chops, in fact, they are still strong enough to save this painfully bland, generic ghost story from getting the hard tip of my upside down thumb but just barely.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageREC 4: Apocalypse
One sentence review:
I really feel bad for the poor REC movie franchise, after all, it was rolling along perfectly, an original, vibrant series full of hope and promise for the future when it was struck down, without warning, in its prime by a horrible, unwatchable tragedy that came in the form of part 3, REC: Genesis and I'm afraid that any feeble attempts to revive it with this current offering fall flat and only feel like a not so subtle setup for 'REC 5: The Final Extinction Retribution Afterlife Chapter' or something equally as stupid.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Scarehouse
One sentence review:
Other than some ultra-annoying moments of wordy, cool-chick-dialogue, a god-awful soundtrack and a couple reality-challenged torture scenes, 'The Scarehouse' is a gory, entertaining film that skillfully reveals the back story in small pieces while leading up to one crazy and unpredictable ending.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Comeback
One sentence TBT review:
If you can get past a few short segments of Jack Jones' terrible music, 'The Comeback' has everything you could ever want in a Horror movie: a creepy, old, haunted mansion, a vicious masked killer, plenty of maggots & gore, a transvestite thrown in just for fun and a storyline where all the characters seem guilty as hell right up until the murderer is finally revealed.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Atticus Institute 
One sentence review:
'The Atticus Institute' is a demonic possession film with a twist ... a secret, military agency is attempting to harness satan's powers and use them to do their bidding and yeah, I know, it sounds like a stupid premise but Writer/Director Chris Sparling does an brilliant job of making it work with the use of a tense, slow-burning, documentary style format that results in some genuinely creepy moments.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageRaised By Wolves
One sentence review:
It's kinda hit or miss (mostly miss, I guess) with The Butcher Brothers, The Hamilton's & The Violent Kind were both pretty innovative and well made but the rest of their filmography ranges from completely pedestrian to completely terrible (an April Fool's Day remake, really?) and I'm sad to report that 'Raised By Wolves', a nauseating Blair Witch ripoff, is by far their worst entry to date.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageScream Park
One sentence review:
I was kinda on the fence about this film because it's apparent that Cary Hill's heart was in the right place when making it and his obvious love for the Slasher genre, along with a couple decent kill scenes, were almost enough to compensate for some really bad acting but then he assaulted my eyes by including a scene with a naked, fat chick and my offended wiener totally made the decision for me.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageDemon Seed
One sentence TBT review:
The storyline of this film feels a little thin at times and the ending kinda shoots into the red on the lame-o-meter but otherwise, Donald Cammell does a great job of adapting Dean Koontz' 1973 novel into a beautifully shot, bizarre, merging of 2001: A Space Odyssey and Rosemary's Baby.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageNecrophobia
One sentence review:
The cinematography in Necrophobia is gorgeous, it's like Giallo-style candy for your eyeballs but if anyone (script Writer excluded) can legitimately explain to me what exactly happened during this 75 minute bit of dull nonsense, I'll totally give them my entire Argento collection. 
(FU ... not really!)
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageLemon Tree Passage
One sentence review:
For his first feature film, Writer/Director, David Campbell decided to take only the most generic parts from all the previously made 'urban legend'/'vengeful ghost' films and slap them together to make this contrived, boring mess that feels more like a highlight reel of other Horror movies than its own film.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Perfect House
One sentence review:
You could do much worse in picking a low budget Anthology, 'The Perfect House' isn't completely horrible but all the positives of this movie are summarily negated by Writer/Director, Kris Hulbert's unnaturally wordy dialogue that flows about as organically as the CGI blood that he uses in some of the kill scenes. 
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageCountdown
One sentence TBT review:
I sat on this film for a whole year so I could watch it on New Year's Eve and for the most part, I'm glad that I did because Countdown's combination of violence and black humor is pretty entertaining but regretabley, the Christmas Carol style, 'happily ever after' ending did a fine job in killing my desire to ever watch it again.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageHorns
One sentence review:
Add all the god damn Demon horns you want but this is still just a fucking chick-flick that my wife laughed and cried through while I rolled my eyes in disgust.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageInner Demons
One sentence review:
A good idea in the wrong hands is the same as a bad idea and unfortunately, the people involved in making 'Inner Demons' took a great, original concept for a satanic possession film and squandered it with the use of cheap, demon voice FX and every hacky, possession cliche ever committed to film.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imagePlay Hooky
One sentence review:
This was actually not a bad film for being shot on a $200 flip camera in seven days but the cartoonish, character stereotypes (two party-guys, a Catholic school girl, a tough bull-dyke and a chubby dork) along with some pitifully shot fight sequences and a goofy, over the top (too far over) performance from the  killer, Tom Petrone are reminders that what you put into making a movie is what you get out of it.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Birds 2: Land's End
One sentence TBT review:
As a 90's made for TV 'nature gone wild' movie, The Birds 2 is a passable yet very unspectacular viewing but as a sequel to one of the most iconic, masterfully made Horror films of all time, it is pure shit and the people responsible for making it should suffer through daily, rabid bird attacks for their crimes against filmmaking.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageTUSK
One sentence review:
Kevin Smith may want to put down the bong and let his head clear a little before writing his next script because this film has it all backwards, the comedic parts aren't funny but the Horror scenes are hilariously bad (the Walrus make-up design is fucking laughable) and on top of all that, ol' stoner Kev must have 'spaced' on the fact that this idea was already used in a little movie called The Human Centipede.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageCam2Cam
One sentence review:
I was so mesmerized by the amazing, Bangkok, Thailand back drop in this film that I had a hard time focusing on the storyline and so did the filmmakers, apparently because they mostly relied upon the beautiful locale (and a heavy dose of titty-actresses) to drive this movie and what little story they did come up with sure wasn't, in any way, believable but what would you expect from the notoriously crap-tacular, sequel Director, Joel Soisson?
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageHousebound
One sentence review:
Housebound is a very well made Horror-comedy but while I did find the murder mystery portion of the storyline to be entertaining, I didn't think that the comedic aspects of the film were particularly funny (maybe it's a regional thing) and on top of that, the lame twist ending really Dog-babied the fuck out of the rest of the movie.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageKingdom Of The Spiders
One sentence TBT review:
Let's face it, the real star of this flick is the Tarantula but not the little, hairy arachnids crawling around killing everything, the giant furry one on William Shatner's head (I just can't take my eyes off that toupe) and that is the real beauty of 'Kingdom Of The Spiders' because while it is a very effective 70's 'nature gone wild' Creature Feature, it's Shatner's awesome cheesiness that keeps us coming back to watch it. 
(All hail 'The Shatner'!)
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageFinal Entries: The Video Diary Of Madi O
One sentence review:
The first half of this film (40 grueling minutes) is equivalent to being trapped in a room with the two most annoying girls from your High School (can you image anything more fucking horrific?) and the second half launches straight into some metaphysical, planes of existence, transference of the soul, bullshit mumbo jumbo which is fine as long as some of it is explained to the audience but unfortunately, Final Entries thinks that it's none of our business and just ends without even a hint of resolution or explanation.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageMy Name Is A: By Anonymous 
One sentence review:
The gritty camera work along with some powerful performances (Alex Damiano is amazing) add to the realistic feel of this film but its slow pace combined with the asinine decision to interrupt the movie with a full length, 4 minute music video (not joking) really overshadows what could have otherwise been an impressive glimpse into the mind of a teenage killer.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageAnnabelle
One sentence review:
Sure, the scares in Annabelle were enough to make my A-hole twitch and most sequels don't effect me that ...uh... deeply but beyond being pretty frightening, I got a certain wicked pleasure in watching a satanic cult reek havoc on the world's most nauseatingly perfect, Ken & Barbie couple and their baby. 
(Go team satan!!)
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageHI-8
One sentence review:
This anthology is so bad that there should be a support group to help the traumatized victims who watch it.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageArkham Sanitarium: Soul Eater
One sentence review:
I'm putting forth the same amount of effort writing this review as Writer/Director Julian Grant did in making this film....
It's bad.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageA Christmas Nightmare
One sentence TBT review:
Ah, Christmas time, that special time of year when I begin scouring the inter-webs looking for obscure holiday themed movies to watch and every year it becomes a bit harder to find something that I haven't seen before so imagine my utter delight when I stumbled across a VHS copy of 'A Christmas Nightmare' (a film which I had no previous knowledge of) at my local Thrift Store and then imagine my utter disappointment when I discovered that the only "nightmare" involved with this flick is the physical act of watching it.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageA Dark Place Inside
One sentence review:
A 'Dark Place Inside' follows the life of Andy, a serial killer who likes to rape, dismember and dispose of women (who are apparently made of mostly foam rubber ... the SFX in this film are terrible) and who is also plagued by nightmares of his abusive childhood (Daddy liked to knock his pee pee around) and if this storyline sounds at all familiar it's because a zillion better movies have already used it.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageRoadside
One sentence review:
Eric England uses an extremely simple yet terrifyingly realistic premise to create a tense, instant Xmas-Horror classic that will forever linger in the minds of anyone who is traveling for the Holidays.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageZombie Isle
One sentence review:
This film was obviously intentionally made to be shitty so the fact that I fucking hated it shouldn't really be a surprise to anyone.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageSlasher House
One sentence review:
The overall concept of Slasher House is kind of cool, not original by any means but definitely interesting so the film in general is somewhat entertaining for a quick watch but the multitude of plot holes (did the script writer fucking quit???) and the excruciatingly, lame twist ending really killed it for me.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageMonkey Boy
One sentence review:
You know that if a movie called 'Monkey Boy' were to be made in the U.S.A., it would assuredly have a ridiculous, CGI ape-man running around wildly, ripping off teenage faces and testicles but thankfully this film was made in Italy so replace the American, made-for-Syfy bullshit with a beautiful but tragic, Italian fairy tale that unfolds like a bizarre, fever-dream and weaves a bloody, gut wrenching story of sadness and loss.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageAlien Zone
One sentence TBT review:
I'm not sure why this obscure, 70's Horror-Anthology doesn't get more recognition (maybe because it's titled Alien Zone and there aren't any aliens in it?!?), I'm mean, shit, even I had never heard of it and only accidentally stumbled across it while fighting a spider for the rights to a stack of moldy VHS tapes at a filthy, Flea Market but I sure am glad that I found it because while the segments are pretty basic, made for TV style, cautionary tales, the film, as a whole, feels like a loving tribute to Rod Serling's classic, old Twilight Zone episodes.
(FYI ... the wrap-around story was completely ripped off by Rusty Cundieff & Darin Scott and used in Tales From The Hood so I guess at least two other people have seen it)
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageStarry Eyes
One sentence review:
Just when you think that 2014 is grinding to a halt and all your 'Top Ten Best' lists have been finalized, the indie Writer/Director team of Kevin Kolsch and Dennis Widmyer swoop in from out of nowhere and grace the Horror world with, what is easily, one of the finest films of the year so back to the drawing board everybody because Starry Eyes' combination of originality, inspired cinematography, solid character development and amazing performances (Alex Essoe is incredible) will not go quietly into 2015. 
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageMourning Grave
One sentence review:
Romantic relationships between living people and ghosts don't work for me, some may think that it's sweet but the premise is stupid and has no place in a "Horror film" (with the rare exception of The Entity and maybe that scene in GhostBusters when Ray Stantz gets a sexy, ethereal knob-slobbing) so while I'm sure that Mourning Grave will appeal to tween girls, I was counting down the minutes until it was over.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageJessabelle
One sentence review:
If you have ever been to New Orleans you know that the spirit of that area stays in your blood for a lifetime and Jessabelle captures that N'awlins vibe and uses it to weave a creepy little tale full of twists, turns and a healthy dose of good ol' Louisiana black Voodoo.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageDeadly Blessing
One sentence TBT review:
OK, so this film has a really lame ending but the appearance of a young, succulent, pre-beaver-shot, pre-jagged-bitch, Sharon Stone along with an amazingly wicked performance from an old, gristly, Ernest Borgnine on top of some pretty nasty kills scenes makes this movie worthy of adding to my early 80's Wes Craven collection.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageTreehouse
One sentence review:
It sucks when you are kind of digging a movie and then a twist in the storyline takes it in an entirely different and much less appealing direction and of all the flicks I've seen, Treehouse might be the worst offender to date so that combined with a mega-cheesy, embarrassment of an ending completely ruined this film for me.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageLate Phases
One sentence review:
Yeah, this film has Werewolves, silver bullets and gore but for me, it's less about all that and more about Nick Damici's Oscar worthy performance as Ambrose, a blind, retired, career soldier who is struggling with the fact that his life is winding down and that he suddenly finds himself becoming a burden on his son but his spirit is still strong enough to make one last courageous stand for justice and for vengeance and this strength of will really touched my icy, black heart and that's something that is rarely accomplished.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageAlien Showdown: The Day The Old West Stood Still
One sentence review:
I learned some things while watching this movie: 
1. Breast implants were apparently invented in the 1800's, 
2. Casting two marble-mouthed, foreigners as your lead actors is never a good idea, 
3. Visual Effects Artist, Caleb J. Phillips does his design work on a 1987 Macintosh SE
4. Aliens sound a lot like Black Metal singers and they have a tendency to pop their 'P's' into a microphone 
and
5. Sometimes it is possible to judge a movie based solely on its title.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageSatan's Children
One sentence TBT review:
Man, this movie really turned me on, not because it's a good film but because the production values were so low that I was expecting, at any moment, it would erupt into a sweaty, 70's-porn fuck fest complete with headbands, tube socks and massive pubic hair thickets so huge that they fill the screen but sadly, and much to my boner shrinking disappointment, it turned out to be just another really bad Horror flick.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Second Coming
One sentence review:
Bad CGI can, at times, irritate me so much that it completely overshadows all of the good points of a film and this was the case for TSC because while all other aspects of it were top notch, the laughable visual FX, straight from a Syfy Channel original movie, seriously detracted from the story as a whole.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageHangar 10
One sentence review:
The problem with Found Footage is that it's an easy way to avoid the hard work involved in creating a script with a full fledged storyline and as a viewer, sometimes watching scene after scene of actors running around and reacting to their environment without a solid backing story as support can become boring, just like this film did.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageExists
One sentence review:
  Eduardo Sánchez clearly isn't attempting to revolutionize the Found Footage genre (again) with this latest offering,
in fact, he even quite obviously and quite lamely rehashes scenes straight from his own film, The Blair Witch Project but as a whole 'Exists' is still a pretty tense and effective Creature Feature, just don't expect anything innovative.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageI Vampiri
One sentence TBT review:
A visual orgasm for fans of old school B&W Horror presented in beautiful CineScope, all courtesy of the Maestro himself, Mario Bava who handled the Cinematography as well as partially Directed this gorgeous masterpiece of early, sound-era, Italian filmmaking.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageWrong Turn 6: Last Resort
One sentence review:
This film is what happens when a script writer overthinks a sequel and then we, the Horror fans, are punished with his boring, convoluted storyline when all we wanted to see were twisted, inbred mutants carving up vapid, pretty people.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Babadook
One sentence review:
This is a perfect example of a movie that dog-babied with an ending so stupid that you will totally forget that the rest of the story was a pretty original blending of dark fairy tale and evil possession themes.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Day Of The Triffids
One sentence TBT review:
The world loves to turn their righteous noses up at, so-called, "B-movies" such as this one but if you randomly pick a modern apocalyptic Horror film from your collection, I guarantee you that it was influenced by this movie because while most filmmakers wouldn't admit to liking TDOTT, they sure don't mind stealing their ideas from it.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageCreep
One sentence review:
This well made found footage film uses a mixture of quirky humor and slow building tension to keep the viewer off balance until all is revealed in one of the craziest and most memorable endings I have seen in quite some time.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Town That Dreaded Sundown
One sentence review:
This film has some major issues, it seems that the filmmakers were unclear if they were making a remake or a sequel so it ended up being some kind of hybrid, mostly sequel with a twist of remake, but beyond this cluster-fuckery, TTTDS '14 has some really cool kills scenes and is an above average slasher if you judge it as it's own one-off film and not as a remake ... I mean, sequel ... whatever, just go buy it! 
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Town That Dreaded Sundown
One sentence TBT review:
I have a tough time with films that combine straight Horror scenes with over-the-top cornball, foolishness so while I did really enjoy the serial killer portions of TTTDS, the comedic antics of the po-dunk, police force had me rolling my eyes and checking my phone for Facebook updates.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageAsmodexia
One sentence review:
Asmodexia is definitely not for everyone but for those who enjoy slow building storylines, Writer/Director, Marc Carreté has crafted a beautifully shot, modern Spanish classic that offers a very original twist on possession and the christian apocalypse.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Taking Of Deborah Logan
One sentence review:
I have a confession to make, this film scared me, it scared me really bad and I wasn't brave about it either and on numerous occasions I even considered stopping it or waking my wife up to keep me company but somehow, I did muster up enough courage to power through until the end, no thanks to actress Jill Larson who wins the 'Monster Movie APP Academy Award' for the creepiest, on-screen performance since Julian Beck in Poltergeist II.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageMercy
One sentence review:
It's not easy to totally screw up a classic Stephen King story, I mean, the undisputed champion of Horror Novelists has build the entire plot for you and all you need to do is tweak it a little to create a successful film but sadly, this is too great a task for many and thus the master's work has been defiled on numerous occasions and you can count Mercy (based on the SK short story 'Gramma') as the latest victim.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imagePsycho
One sentence TBT review:
So, the actual purpose of this review isn't to critique Psycho but simply to tell you that if you ever get a chance to watch it in a theater, like I did recently, you should definitely do so because the experience is pure cinematic magic and anyway, if you need me to tell you that it's one of the greatest, most influential movies ever made then it's probably time to turn in your Horror movie fan club decoder ring. 
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Canal
One sentence review:
This film doesn't get any points for originality but it is extremely well made with an effectively creepy, supernatural-murder-mystery storyline that will keep you guessing all the way up to the insane and unexpected climax.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageDeliver Us From Evil
One sentence review:
I think it's safe to say that Writer/Director Scott Derrickson should have retired from the demonic possession sub-genre (or some would say from film making altogether) after the success of The Exorcism Of Emily Rose but unfortunately, his apparent obsession with "real life" possession stories forced him to revisit it and the end result is pretty mediocre and a bit too reminiscent of The Exorcist III for my liking.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Hand Of The Devil
One sentence review:
The predictable and over the top ending does a disservice to the subtleties of the rest of this film but it's the standout performance from Colm Meaney as a ruthless, religious cult leader that really makes THOTD worth a watch.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageDaughters Of Darkness
One sentence TBT review:
A slow, stylistic journey into the world of aristocratic Vampires that has a somewhat intriguing storyline but honestly, if you're like me, it's the boobs, bush and blood that will get you through to the very memorable and beautifully grizzly ending.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageMockingbird
One sentence review:
This film has an extremely predictable ending with a pretty hard to swallow final explanation but if you have seen The Strangers, you know that Bryan Bertino can build tension in a movie like no other and he continues to prove that with Mockingbird so I'm willing to choke down some bullshit script writing but only if the rest of the film keeps me squirming like this one did.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageSee No Evil 2
One sentence review:
Katharine Isabelle's terrible acting hits this movie like an F5 tornado and carves a path of destruction through an otherwise solid Slasher sequel but fortunately, the Soska sister's impressive Directorial skills and a powerful performance from Danielle Harris are ultimately enough to overshadow the mess that Isabelle leaves behind. 
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Appearing
One sentence review:
'The Appearing' stars(?) Don Swayze and I believe that I would have enjoyed this film more with Patrick Swayze's corpse in the cast instead of his younger brother because while the storyline was pretty decent and had a good plot twist, overall, the acting was pure shit.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Evil Within 
aka Baby Blood
One sentence TBT review:
I found this film at a Catholic Thrift Store that was run by a group of prissy, old ladies and I get a great, perverse joy in knowing that, for a period of time, those ancient prunes cohabited with one of the most offensive (and greatest) pregnancy-Horror movies ever made.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageShock Value
One sentence review:
I didn't buy into any of this film; from its flip-flopping tone (is it a comedy or not?) to Anthony Bravo's portrayal of the serial killer (incessant scowling = evil ... I guess?) right down to the ultra lame storyline that would have us believe that every homicidal maniac is one piece of pussy away from becoming a warm and loving person.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageRun Like Hell
One sentence review:
It's important to set the tone of your film and more or less stick with it throughout the entire script, some comic relief in a serious movie may work depending on how it's handled but when you go from graphically butchering innocent people for food to Seth Rogan style fart scenes you may have lost your way, just like you lost my interest.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Dead 2: India
One sentence review:
The Ford Brothers sure do make visually stunning movies, right down to the beautiful and plentiful gore FX but don't think that they are only splatter flicks because The Dead parts one and two are both intensely character driven films so they are really more about the relationships of the living and their individual journeys than the Zombie outbreak.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Purge: Anarchy 
One sentence review:
I did like this sequel a lot more than the first one but at its base, TPA is nothing more than a cookie-cutter, big budget Action film that uses all of the typical Hollywood cliches including the stereotypical 'gruff, badass with a heart of gold' character so I won't spend my money on this one, I'll wait for an original movie to be released.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageV/H/S: Viral
One sentence review:
So, I've done some movie-math and I think I have cracked the code of the V/H/S series: If V/H/S had six great segments out of six and V/H/S 2 had four great segments out of five and the latest, 'V/H/S: Viral', has one great segment out of four, that would mean that next sequel should be...wait, multiple by 3, subtract 5, carry the 2....yes, completely un-fucking-watchable.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Pact 2
One sentence review:
 I remember that I was on the fence about The Pact but ultimately decided that it failed to capitalize on some key scare scenes and thus gave it a thumbs down but after a re-watch, prior to screening 'The Pact 2', I found myself really enjoying it and when watching both movies back-to-back, the two stories seamlessly meshed together so forget what I said previously, 'The Pact' is a pretty good indie Horror flick with a very solid sequel.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageReazione a catena
(A Bay Of Blood)
One sentence TBT review:
Once again, Mario Bava demonstrates why, if you are a modern day slasher fan, you should bow down and worship at the maestro's feet for "inspiring" contemporary filmmakers to make all of the franchises that you love today.... oh, and tell Tom Savini that Mr. Bava wants his kills scenes back from Friday The 13th!!
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageGodzilla 2014
One sentence review:
I went into this film expecting a soulless, action packed, crap-fest similar to Pacific Rim and I was completely stunned when I realized that it is more like the wonderfully bleak, cautionary tale of the original Gojira so I'm here to tell you, and I feel dirty saying it, 'Godzilla' is a great remake, it's so good that I can't believe Hollywood made it. 
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe ABCs Of Death 2
One sentence review:
This sequel is infinitely better than part one but the two films combined only confirms for me that it's not possible to tell a solid Horror story within a four minute segment so these movies just end up being a confused jumble of weird nonsense.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageMamula
One sentence review:
Even though the ultra lame ending almost Dog Babied the entire film, as a whole, the filmmakers were able to make a successful Mermaid Horror movie without getting too cheesy and that is a pretty huge accomplishment considering the weak subject matter.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imagePiranha 2: The Spawning
One sentence TBT review:
'Piranha 2' is a film with a split personality; on one hand, it's a cool creature feature starring the great Lance Henriksen and on the other, it is a campy, cornball romantic comedy that makes The Love Boat look like a Shakespearean play and unfortunately, the second personality sucks hard enough to overshadow the first one.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageHoneymoon
One sentence review:
Husband: "There is something wrong with you!" ... Wife: "No there isn't, I'm fine!" ... just repeat these lines over & over again for 45 minutes (more than half of the total run time) and you will know why I'm not giving this film a thumbs up.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageJamie Marks Is Dead
One sentence review:
This film is nothing more than an art house Drama, that explores the homoerotic relationship of two sexually confused teenage boys, masquerading itself as a Horror movie and I found this deception to be pretty fucking gay.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image7500
One sentence review:
Throw a dart at a list of Twilight Zone episodes and there is a really good chance that you will pierce a title that "inspired" 7500's script and that's a shame because I was expecting a lot more from legendary J-Horror Writer/Director, Takashi Shimizu.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imagePhase IV
One sentence TBT review:
We all have memories of specific movies that we saw in our youth that made a lasting impression on us but rarely, when they are viewed later as an adult, do they live up to the hype that our young minds have created so imagine my surprise when 'Phase IV' far surpassed my fond, adolescent recollections with a great storyline, incredible ant cinematography (provided by wildlife photographer, Ken Middleham) and the kind of bleak ending that only a 70's film can provide.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageFind Me
One sentence review:
We as Horror fans make excuses for bad Indie films based upon their lack of resources but script writing is one crucial part of production that requires no money so when a movie ends as ridiculously as 'Find Me' does, it only confirms that no matter what the budget size, stupid ideas don't cost a thing.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Paranormal Diaries: Clophill
One sentence review:
Ooooh I get it now, this a 88 minute setup for a sequel and that's why absolutely nothing exciting happens, they are saving all the good stuff for part two so now that I understand, I will just sit here patiently and wait for it to be released because apparently, I have nothing better to do.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageChrysalis
One sentence review:
Chrysalis successfully isolates everything that ruined The Walking Dead and turns it into a 100 minute, Zombie, snooze fest with too much drama, not enough action and annoying, melodramatic characters that are incapable of making realistic decisions.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageDevil Fish
One sentence TBT review:
Unlike 'Devil Fish', you won't see a quick flash of a man's hairy junk through his short-shorts in the movie Sharktopus but you will see how badly script Writer Mike MacLean rips off this classic, Italian creature feature.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageAs Above, So Below
One sentence review:
You may often asked yourself, "What would happen if Indiana Jones had a vagina and ended up in the 9 circles of Hell while searching for the Philosopher's Stone?" and the answer is, according to this film, not a helluva lot and definitely not anything you should waste 93 minutes of your time on.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageLeprechaun: Origins
One sentence review:
I have a statement to make: 'Leprechaun: Origins' is a pretty decent creature feature and no, I haven't been sniffing glue, at least not enough to effect my opinion of this movie.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Butterfly Room
One sentence review:
Writer/Director Jonathan Zarantonello does a great job of adapting his own novel into a feature length movie but it's Barbara Steele's icy portrayal of Ann that will forever change what you think of when you hear the word 'butterfly'.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageVampire Circus
One sentence TBT review:
A Vampire's curse, shape shifting acrobats, a magic mirror, tiger striped body paint and of course liberal amounts of fangs & blood, all wrapped up in a crazy, traveling gypsy circus complete with an evil midget, so what's not to love?
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageKristy
One sentence review:
From what I remember, Director Oliver Blackburn's Donkey Punch was an OK film, nothing spectacular but now it's six years later and fuck me, the cat has really upped his game with this relentless, balls-to-the-wall, nail biting, stroke of survival-Horror genius.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Possession Of Michael King
One sentence review:
This isn't a terrible movie but overall I think it wasted a good setup for a found footage possession film by resorting to the use of cheap, jump-scares and lame, demon voice effects straight from a Spirit Halloween store.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageOf Silence
One sentence review:
See my 'Of Silence' review demonstrated in graph form by clicking here.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageAppointment With Fear
One sentence TBT review:
According to IMDB, 'Appointment With Fear' was writer Gideon Davis' first and last movie script which is no surprise because the deadly combination of crystal meth and peyote (I'm guessing) required to create this level of boring, incomprehensible insanity would surely be career ending.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageAt The Devil's Door
One sentence review:
A frightening, intelligent, stylistic Anti-christ film that is proof that with a talented team of filmmakers and a great script it is possible to create an effective indie Horror movie that doesn't feel like it was made on a micro budget. 
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Damned
One sentence review:
This is the kind of forgettable, uninspired, paint-by-numbers crap that you would expect from Víctor García, Hollywood's go-to Director of every shitty sequel that you have seen recently. 
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageOculus
One sentence review:
Supernatural Horror has always been my favorite subgenre and I love the fact that, when done right, it can still make my skin crawl so even though Oculus "borrows" heavily from The Amityville Horror, it had my short hairs standing straight up and with all the ghost movies I've seen over the years, that's a pretty big accomplishment.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageSpectre
One sentence TBT review:
They don't make TV pilots written by legends like Gene Roddenberry anymore, it's obvious, just turn on your television but back in the 70's you could always count on the "Movie of the Week" to be a high quality production and that includes this cool cross between Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Strange that was rejected by the networks and never became a series.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Den
One sentence review:
Cyber-stalking is a genuine concern in today's world so it's a perfect storyline for a modern Horror film and Zachary Donohue takes full advantage of this by masterfully and mercilessly showing us just how bad it could get.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Quiet Ones
One sentence review:
I completely support a slow build up for the sake of creating tension, in fact I prefer it, but this film's incessant 'invoking' scenes became so tedious that they failed to generate any scares at all even when something finally did happen.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageFrankenstein Must Be Destroyed
One sentence TBT review:
This is one of Peter Cushing's more vicious (and best) turns at playing Baron Frankenstein as we see him murder, blackmail, steal and rape his way to achieving the ultimate goal of bringing life back to the dead.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

image13 Sins
One sentence review:
I'm not sure what it is about American Filmmakers that prevents them from making a quality Asian remake but it sure seems like the best they can do is a shot-for-shot re-telling of the original and any attempts at improvising or embelishment sends the whole production swirling down the shitter so stick to the script Hollywood, that's all you can handle or better yet, just leave it alone entirely.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image13: Game Of Death
One sentence review:
Committing horendous acts for money is far from an original concept but this film handles it with such style that it feels new again and it's very successful at drawing you in as a viewer and really connecting you with the main character as he commits increasingly more morally challenging tasks to win the grand prize and regain control of his, thus far, wasted life.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageBilocation
One sentence review:
Bilocation starts out strong with a very original concept and unlimited potential for scares but unfortunately, that all goes to waste as the movie turns into a not so subtle message to young women about the dangers of living a single, independent lifestyle and forgets that it's suppose to be a Horror film.
(let it go Japan, it's 2014!)
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageCross Bearer
One sentence review:
In light of all the adult film industry references in this movie, it's safe to say that Adam Alhbrandt is heavily influenced by porn movies and based on the quality of Cross Bearer, I'm probably not the first to suggest that his talents might be better suited for making fuck-flicks instead of Horror.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageSpeak No Evil
One sentence review:
Some people will be offended by the demonic storyline and the mass slaying of children in 'Speak No Evil' but I took offence to the terrible soundtrack and all the annoying, shrieking brats that fouled up my surround sound speakers and polluted the air in my home.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Horror Of Frankenstein
One sentence TBT review:
This is really just a re-telling of The Curse Of Frankenstein with a younger, more succulent cast and a nastier script that amps up the blood, sex and everything else that makes a Hammer film awesome.   
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Red House
One sentence review:
A stale, rehashed storyline that is as predictable as the acting is bad and the tit shots are gratuitous. 
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageOnly Lovers Left Alive
One sentence review:
Based on the melodramatic title of this Vampire film, you would think that it's a boring, art house exploration of Bloodsucker wankery and you would be 100% correct in assuming that.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageBlood Widow
One sentence review:
Blood Widow is definitely rough around the edges but its heart is in the right place and there are glimpses of genius that can be seen shining through its cracks so congrats to Jeremiah Buckhalt for creating a pretty solid Slasher film on his very first attempt.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageDracula Has Risen From The Grave
One sentence TBT review:
Hammer films are like pizza, even the worst of them are still pretty fucking tasty and even though this film spins its wheels for a little too long at the beginning, the grand finale more than compensates for it with a deliciously graphic Count Dracula death scene.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageDead Snow: Red vs. Dead
One sentence review:
If Dead Snow is Evil Dead then this film is its Army Of Darkness, only shittier with a lamer story and a really fucking retarded ending.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageChilling Visions: Five States Of Fear
One sentence review:
This Anthology starts out strong with three swift kicks to the bean-bag but then grinds to a halt with the two weakest segments finishing off the film and it is also missing the cool tie-ins that connected the stories in the first one (5 Senses of Fear) so it's a decent movie overall but feels like it was rushed through production. 
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageDeep In The Darkness
One sentence review:
Chiller TV has definitely upped its game recently by producing a string of films that range from very good to very watchable and DITD continues that streak by taking the classic 'family moves to a new, creepy town' storyline and adding some original ideas, cool creature designs and a solid twist ending.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imagePopcorn
One sentence TBT review:
The cross between the surreal dream & film sequences and typical 80's (yeah, I know it's 90's but you can't tell from watching it) high school fundraising storyline makes this movie more memorable than others of its kind and any film that pays tribute to the great William Castle is OK in my book.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageKiller Legends
One sentence review:
A somewhat interesting documentary that explores the roots of urban legends and the Horror movies that were inspired by them but unfortunately the filmmakers used a lot of BS not relevant to their investigation to fill space and some of the connections that were drawn from the real life stories to the films were pretty flimsy.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageAll Cheerleaders Die
One sentence review:
ACD is a confused, mess of a film that steals its influences from multiple familiar sources (mainly The Craft) and then adds a twist of hot Lesbo action but in the end it's just another derivative teen Horror movie that is not particularly sexy or entertaining.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageDie Die Delta Pi
One sentence review:
Other than a spectacular retro poster by Sadist Art Designs, this movie sucks and it doesn't suck in a good way, it sucks in the traditional it just really sucks kinda way.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Brain From Planet Arous
One sentence TBT review:
Unlike most Horror fans, I don't find classic Sci-fi B-movies to be a source of amusement (yeah, you can see a wire ... really fucking hilarious ... grow up!) so I can look past all of their technical shortcomings and enjoy the stories for what they are and understand that influential films like TBFPA have inspired the imaginations of generations of important writers and filmmakers.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageTorment
One sentence review:
I have to admit that the tension building first half of Torment is a pretty successful The Strangers ripoff but then it all spirals out of control with a barrage of questionable character reactions and stupid plot twists.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageAnimal
One sentence review:
A fun, throwback creature feature with amazing practical FX and a storyline that masterfully sets up and summarily tears down all of the typical expectations and stereotypes creating a terrifyingly uncertain world where no one is safe. 
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageHide And Seek
One sentence review:
First time Writer/Director Jung Huh represents North Korean Horror well with this powerhouse film that is a bloody, whodunit style throwback to the early Slasher pioneers.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageSuspiria
One sentence TBT review:
Argento sets the Italian Splatter-Horror bar extremely high with the perfect combination of gorgeous cinematography, amazing Gobiln soundtrack and surreal witchcraft storyline.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageCoffin Baby
One sentence review:
This is apparently supposed to be a sequel to Tobe Hooper's amazing remake of Toolbox Murders but whatever brilliant ideas the filmmakers may have had for this follow-up, got pissed down the drain by the laughable dialogue, terrible acting and some of the worst editing I have ever seen in a film.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Backpacker
One sentence review:
The played-out, highway-killer plot is exacerbated by wooden acting performances, ridiculous props (white plastic skeletons straight out of a Doctor's office) and non-stop scenes of the hero running around aimlessly in the wilderness then stopping to look back over his shoulder for danger.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageWillow Creek
One sentence review:
Just when I had nearly given up on found footage Horror, Bobcat Goldthwait swoops in and renews my faith that it can still be a viable and effective format to scare the living shit out of an audience.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageCat O' Nine Tails
One sentence TBT review:
There's a reason why you don't see Horror fans wearing 'Cat O' Nine Tails' T-shirts, this film is not particularly bloody, shocking or bizarre but I enjoyed it for what it is, a traditional murder mystery and it's also an interesting glimpse into the evolution of Argento as a filmmaker so you might see me at the next Horror Convention wearing this.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageExquisite Corpse
One sentence review:
This film is able to work in a pretty descent twist ending but its general tone is so understated that even the climatic scenes fall flat and are absorbed into the drone of the slow plinking piano soundtrack and dry acting performances.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageBlood Lake: Attack Of The Killer Lampreys
One sentence review:
I literally let out an audible groan when I saw the words "The Asylum" roll across my screen in the opening credits and I think it has become an involuntary reflex like pulling your hand away from an open flame or blinking to shield your eyes from harm and I should have listened to my body, it was trying to protect me.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageMother Of Tears
One sentence review:
With this last segment of the 'Three Mothers trilogy', Argento shows signs that his creative gears are starting to slip a bit, I'm not saying they're completely stripped (i.e. Dracula 3D) but you can see the degenerative deterioration taking place, especially in the ending.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageDeep Red
One sentence TBT review:
A classic film and a quintessential example of the quality of Argento's early film making before things got, well, kinda weird later in his career.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageWitching And Bitching
One sentence review:
If you are watching a subtitled version of this film you better be a speed-reader because the script is very wordy and these people talk fucking fast and if that isn't irritating enough, this underwhelming Horror-Comedy erupts into a full blown Action movie filled with flying-fights and CGI and if you know me, then you know, that shit don't ...uh...fly.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageBig Bad Wolves
One sentence review:
There has been a lot of positive buzz around this film and even Quentin Tarantino has opened his yap in support of it and he never says anything (yeah, right) but the real skinny is that this great Israeli story is brilliantly made but the uneven and often lighthearted tone doesn't work when dealing with such a dark subject matter. 
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageMr. Jones
One sentence review:
A pretty decent storyline with kind of a cool twist once all is revealed at the very end but to get to it, you will need to trudge through a whole lot of tripped-out 'other planes of existence' bullshit scenes and overall, it really isn't worth the headache.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageInferno
One sentence TBT review:
Inferno is incoherent, a little boring and a lot weird but it's worth watching just to witness the macabre cinematic beauty of the underwater scene.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageDelivery: The Beast Within
One sentence review:
The nauseating Lifetime Network style reality show format will make you hope for very bad things to happen to the main characters and they do, times ten but the ending is what will really stick in your head and is what instantly promotes this film to Horror classic status.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageProxy
One sentence review:
If you enjoyed Scalene, you will love this film, unfortunately, I did not but I do have a huge respect for Zack Parker's craftsmanship as a storyteller and I hope some day he tells one that I can enjoy.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageAfflicted
One sentence review:
If you can picture mixing a played-out My Best Friend Is a Vampire style storyline with any Vampire Action film and then squeezing it through the found-footage fun factory then you will understand my indifference to this movie.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageQueen Of Blood
One sentence TBT review:
Don't get me wrong, this film is tailor made for some deep, unlubricated Mystery Science Theater 3000 reaming with its cheesy costume designs, terrible dialogue and goofy performances but to me, that just makes it more nostalgic and endearing and takes me back to a time when watching Florence Marly's evil grin would have kept me up for days.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageBlood Glacier
One sentence review:
A decent Eco-Creature Feature with some original ideas and good FX that is completely ruined in the last 2 minutes by a groan inducing plot twist but the upside is now I have a new phrase that I will put into heavy use from this point forward.
**Warning: Spoiler Alert**
(See Monster Movie Rant from 5/13)
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Sacrament
One sentence review:
Ti West's amazing religious cult film slowly sucks the oxygen out of the room until you're struggling for air by the time the credits start to roll.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageBeneath
One sentence review:
A solid cast, a great claustrophobic setting and a cryptic storyline that will be the topic of debate long after the movie ends so someone give this awesome film a distribution deal already!
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageSX_Tape
One sentence review:
This flaccid found footage film is completely derivative of all that came before it so even the 'SX(?) Tape' gimmick can't save it from being a totally dead fuck.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageCircus Of The Dead
One sentence review:
'Circus Of The Dead' is probably on its way to cult film status because of its over the top gore and performances (Bill Oberst Jr is awesome, of course!) but for me, the combination of bad acting and a general feeling that the movie is nothing but a string of clown kill scenes loosely held together by a nonexistent storyline wasn't that interesting.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageDark House
One sentence review:
I imagine that Writing/Directing a film this bad is part of life's payback for a long history of being a filthy, degenerate, vienna sausage fondling pervert.
(Victor Slava)
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Swarm
One sentence TBT review:
This is considered to be one of the worst movies of all time by many but any film that uses practical killer bee FX (they froze and then clipped the stingers of 800,000 bees for close-up shots for fuck sake!) to create flawless frightening visuals of millions of bees killing people will never get a bad review from me but be sure to take your Addrerall (if you need it) because this classic disaster flick clocks in at 116 to 156 minutes (depending on the version).
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageDaddy's Little Girl
One sentence review:
You know a revenge film is done right when you have to keep reminding yourself that the guy being tortured is a total piece of shit so you don't feel sorry for him and stop wincing at his pain.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageDeath Do Us Part
One sentence review:
If I taught a Slasher filmmaking class, I would show this movie to my students, have them memorize it frame for frame and then tell them to go out into the world and create the exact opposite of this film on every level.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageWolf Creek 2
One sentence review:
This sequel sucks but it stands as an excellent reminder that bigger is not always better and that loading your film with exploding vehicles and CGI Kangaroos can't compensate for a weak script or a lack of original ideas.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageWolf Creek
One sentence review:
A true masterpiece that is fueled by John Jarratt's amazing performance as the charismatic psycho, Mick Taylor but the real star of this film is the Outback itself which looms large in the background like a beautiful harbinger of death and is just as unforgiving and deadly as the killer himself.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageBarricade
One sentence review:
Not a horrible film just really repetitive so I got pretty sick of watching Eric McCormack running around screaming out his kid's names for what seemed like hours but worse than that is the sappy ending where the character's situation turns out to be much better than the rest of the movie leads you to believe.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageDevil's Due
One sentence review:
I've seen much worse 'found footage' films but Devil's Due is a pretty unspectacular blending of Paranormal Activity with Rosemary's Baby that has all the right parts but forgets one major element, Horror movies are suppose to be frightening or shocking and this one is neither.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageDead Shadows
One sentence review:
This film suffers from some way too obvious CGI and could use the missing 15-30 minutes (total run time is only 75 mins including the credits) to help wrap up the story a little better but other than that it is an ambitious extremely well executed debut from first time French filmmaker David Cholewa.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Nesting
One sentence TBT review:
A young woman alone in an amazingly creepy octagon house that is full of vengeful spirits, that premise sounds so incredible that there's no way it could suck ... well, unless you have the movie full of cheesy time warp scenes that take her back to the house's past with real life flesh and blood people playing the ghosts and acting out the incidents that brought on their demise and fueled their need for revenge, in that case then yes, it could suck. 
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageSavaged
One sentence review:
If you are going to take your plot way the fuck out into left field, you better play it straight for the entire movie because even the slighted hint of cheese will bring your audience crashing back down to earth and this film had too many thick cut slabs of Limburger stinking it up to be good.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageAlien Abduction
One sentence review:
Here's a helpful tip on how to know when you've watched a bad Horror film: Days later you will struggle to remember the title of the movie or what it was about, so with that being said, I would pass on watching Skinwalker Alien Ranch Abduction, it's not a very good Slasher, from what I recall.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imagePatrick: Evil Awakens
One sentence review:
The bad news first, if you have even a couple brain cells still firing, enjoyed the subtle filmmaking style of the original movie or you are a heterosexual man, then you will not like this remake but the good news is, if you are simple in the head, enjoy fast moving shining objects or have a strong yearning for shaved Twilight-man-boys with erect nipples then this film is all you.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imagePatrick
One sentence TBT review:
Some may be turned off by its slow pace but the lazy story arc serves as a tension building tool and helps with character development but mostly you will never forget Robert Thompson's eerie stare ... and the hand-job scene.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageDark Souls
One sentence review:
This incredible film starts out with your standard serial killer storyline but where it ends up, oh man, even a seasoned Horror-hound like myself had no fucking clue!
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Borderlands
One sentence review:
The found footage genre has been so over saturated that finding a niche that hasn't been covered before is becoming increasingly more difficult so Elliot Goldner just goes back to Horror filmmaking 101 and uses incredible acting, likable characters, and a heavy dose of good old fashion fear to make his movie standout ... oh, and ancient pagan gods are never not awesome!
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Monkey's Paw
One sentence review:
Brett Simmons has been on my radar ever since he wrote/directed the amazing and very much underappreciated Husk so it was no surprise to me that he was able to successfully give this old cautionary tale his own modern twist and make it new again.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageStrangler Of The Swamp
One sentence TBT review:
A simple story that is dripping with atmosphere and some of the creepiest ghost FX ever filmed but it's also one of the very first movies to use the 'vengeful spirit' storyline that is still in heavy use today.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Penny Dreadful Picture Show
One sentence review:
This anthology is a little on the campy side but the wrap around story and three strong segments have enough nastiness and gore to balance it out for us serious Horror fans or just watch it to see Jeffrey Combs play a hilarious retard!
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageWER
One sentence review:
WER successfully fuses Legal-Drama with classic Werewolf-Horror and the end result is a much needed revitalization for a sub-genre that has recently been molested by the tween money grabbing machine. 
(Twilight ... MTV's Teen Wolf)
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageChildren Of Sorrow
One sentence review:
Bill Oberst Jr's performance as an insane, boner crushing (watch the movie) cult leader really makes this movie a must see and a strong contender for the best 2014 release to date but be warned his crazed murderous, prison stare is not easily forgotten.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Gorgon
One sentence TBT review:
Maybe not the best that Hammer has to offer but it's still a boatload of Gothic Horror fun wrapped up in a mystery that might keep you guessing until the very end.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageHaunt
One sentence review:
This movie has everything you would want in a ghost story; a creepy old house, great scares, lots of tension buildup, an unpredictable storyline and an ending that doesn't insult its audience with "and they all lived happily ever after" so why Haunt didn't get a major box office release is a mystery to me.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Occupants
One sentence review:
For the first seventy minutes I fucking hated what I thought this movie was but the last ten minutes knocked me so hard on my ass that I have to give it props and it's not easy to fool a jaded old Horror fan like me but I was totally blindsided by the ending.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageHoly Ghost People
One sentence review:
There is nothing more frightening than the thought of being surrounded by crazed religious fanatics but somehow this film fails to capitalize on this fact and never conveys any sense of fear or danger but the real crime is that the great Joe Egender is never allowed to reach full manic potential (watch The Violent Kind) in his role as the cult leader and sadly his performance, like this film, falls flat. 
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageHouse Of The Living Dead
One sentence TBT review:
OK, this film has a slightly deceptive title so don't go into it expecting to see Zombies munching on the flesh of the living or anything even remotely close to that but if you like Gothic Horror in the vein of House Of Usher then you will really enjoy this movie, like I did.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageSadako 2 3D
One sentence review:
After witnessing the shittiness of Sadako 3D (see review below) I almost didn't have the stomach for its sequel but I'm glad that I soldiered through because this film is a nice return to the creepy vibe that made the Ringu series so great and it also has possibly the spookiest child ever recorded on film. 
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageSadako 3D
One sentence review:
When the 3D Sadako grasshopper creatures made their first appearance in the script someone should have realized that maybe they had lost the spirit of the original films.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageGingerclown
One sentence review:
Wow, this movie is a fucking mess and I could try to list everything that is wrong with it (terrible editing, horrible FX, horrendous acting etc) but Gingerclown has wasted enough of my time so instead I will simply reiterate, "This movie is a fucking mess." and move on with my life.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageInvisible Invaders
One sentence TBT review:
There is nothing not to love about this film, it's B&W, there are invading aliens and the walking dead and if you try to tell me that George Romero's Zombies weren't at least partially inspired by this movie, I'll call you a liar!
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageIn Fear
One sentence review:
This film may be a bit slow without enough payoff for some but I applaud Jeremy Lovering's ability to build the tension to an almost unbearable level using nothing but a car, a dirt road and three great actors.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageAlmost Human
One sentence review:
A pretty original storyline with a great soundtrack and killer gore FX but if you are one to fixate on shitty acting performances, like I do, then you will have a hard time focusing on the positives and that's a shame because Director Joe Begos was so close to greatness with this first feature film.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageZombie Night
One sentence review:
Yeah I know, the cast sounds ridiculous and it was excreted by the turd-cutting Production Company The Asylum but in spite of that, John Gulager's style overcomes all its shortcomings and makes this film a really cool Zombie thrill ride and it's also a great drinking game if you do a shot every time Anthony Michael Hall says, "Honey, Baby or Babe".
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageI Spit On Your Grave
One sentence TBT review:
Simple, gritty, brutal and delivers a sense of extreme vulnerability and vengeance that continues to be the model for all revenge films today.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageI Spit On Your Grave 2
One sentence review:
While I am happy that they didn't try to continue with the storyline from part one, I didn't like the casting of Jemma Dallender in the lead role mainly because she lacked the acting chops necessary to pull off a convincing tortured bad-ass so the while the movie was 'OK' overall her awkward performance lowers my rating significantly.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

image I Spit On Your Grave (2010)
One sentence review:
If you are going to remake a movie like I Spit On Your Grave I would expect it to be as shocking to today's audience as the original version was back in the 70's, you know, really go over the top with the kills and make something no one can ever forget but instead this 're-imagining' is kind of tame compared to current revenge films (do a search for 'Asian revenge films') and therefore I Spit On Your Remake!
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageNurse 3D
One sentence review:
Paz de la Huerta stole this show ... but not in a good way because the generic 'psycho friend' storyline fell to the background as I spent the entire film trying to determine the following about her: 
1. Is her combination of decent body and busted face sexy or not? 
2. Wait, is her left tit bigger than her right tit?
3. Is her slurred dialogue delivery natural or chemically influenced?
and the answers I came up with are: 
1. Nope, not sexy unless you're a French Fashion Designer. 
2. Still undetermined. Seems like they were trying to hide the right tit so something weird is definitely going on there. 
3. The evidence leans toward chemically influenced.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageDon't Open The Door
One sentence TBT review:
Movies like this one are too often categorized as "Grindhouse" or "Drive-in" films, terms that indicate (to some) they should not be taken seriously but I can tell you that 'Don't Open The Door' has been highly influential to many filmmakers who have pilfered from it's 'young girl alone in a creepy house and receiving psychotic crank phone calls' storyline and on top of that, it was released months before Black Christmas and has POV murder scenes so I think it deserves a little more respect than it's received over the years.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageThe Invoking
One sentence review:
This is the epitome of every indie film that I've ever seen at a Horror Convention, it's kinda confusing (because of a poorly written script or bad storytelling on the Director's part) with unbelievable characters (usually due to bad casting) and topped off with an unconvincing anticlimactic ending that makes you regret not taking another pass through the vendor room instead of watching it.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageBuck wild
One sentence review:
Film rules dictate that you are only allowed to repeat the title of your movie a maximum of one time (and even that is too many for some) throughout the entire script and unfortunately, the quote, "Buck wild" count in this flick is approximately one million (I didn't have the stomach to go back and get the exact number) sooooo it's out of my hands.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Depraved
One sentence review:
 An extremely well done piece of survival Horror with great Direction, a hauntingly creepy location and topped off with a fantastic performance by Klaus Stiglmeier who jumps right off the screen and straight into your nightmares.
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageCabin Fever: Patient Zero
One sentence review:
Going into a Cabin Fever sequel I'm not expecting a masterpiece of filmmaking, 
just give me a decent storyline, competent acting and lots of gooey, gooey gore and this film totally exceeds my lowbrow expectations and knocks it out of the park with a giant black dildo (just watch the movie).
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageSkinwalker Ranch
One sentence review:
Let's face it, you have to be pretty fucking innovative to create a found footage film that can shock today's audience and if you choose to follow the standard 'FF' outline and just rehash everything that's been done before Horror fans are going to call bullshit ... 
"Bullshit!"
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Caretaker
One sentence review:
This Vampire apocalypse is infected by uneven performances, a shortage of relatable characters and some really goofy special FX, in short, this ain't no Stakeland!
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageRigor Mortis
One sentence review:
Beautiful, terrifying, heartbreaking, offensive and inspirational all at the same time, this is Asian Horror at its finest ... and there's Kung Fu!!!
Would I Buy It?
image      YES

imageArmistice
One sentence review:
Well made but if you have watched even a couple genre flicks in your life time you will have this mystery solved 2.2 seconds into the movie and then spend the rest of the 80 minutes wondering why anyone would write such a cliche script.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Black Water Vampire
One sentence review:
This film should be called 'The Blair Water Vampire Project' and if I were Daniel Myrick and Eduardo Sánchez I would be contacting my lawyer.
Would I Buy It?
image      NO

imageThe Human Race
One sentence review:
Right off the starting block, I'm thinking, awesome gore FX, cool story idea and I love the Battle Royale vibe but by the time it limped across the stupid finish line, I wanted out of this race.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageStoker
One sentence review:
This film is a teenage goth girl's wet dream with every scene so overly dramatic and deeply significant that I was waiting for Donnie Darko and his stupid bunny to appear but as an adult male, it just makes me drowsy and irritated. 
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageMagic Magic
One sentence review:
This movie actually made some 'Best of 2013' lists but I'm here to tell you that unless you enjoy the cinematic equivalent of nails on a chalkboard, it isn't even fucking close!
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageLost Lake
One sentence review:
Although this film suffers from some technical issues (Filmmaking 101: proper lighting helps your audience to see the action) it is still a spooky little indie ghost story with great atmosphere, a simple but effective plot and some good scares.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageBerberian Sound Studio
One sentence review:
The bad news is that this film is mind-numbingly boring and nonsensical but the good news is that Doctors now have a new low cost way to induce comas without the use of dangerous narcotics.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageScorned
One sentence review:
AnnaLynne McCord elevates this revenge thriller with a great sexy/psychotic performance but the filmmakers choose to play it safe by going with uninspired and mostly bloodless torture scenes and when it comes to this type of flick, if I ain't cringing, I ain't buying.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageCarrie
One sentence review:
This may shock you but other than a superior performance from Julianne Moore, the Carrie remake fails to add anything that the original didn't do better and they even water it down by removing all the locker room bush and titty scenes that we remember so fondly.
Would I buy it?
image      NO


*REVIEW ARCHIVES*