MONSTER MOVIE RANTS

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THE ANGRY BITCHING OF A GRUMPY OLD HORROR MOVIE FAN

*Rant Archives*

-WARNING-
If you are humorless, sensitive or politically correct this section is not for you!!

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December 20th

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December 19th

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December 18th

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December 15th

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December 13th

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December 12th

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December 6th
Can't wait for the new, Hi-C Ecto-Cooler reissue!!

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December 5th

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December 2nd
I can't help but notice that season one of 'Fear The Walking Dead' didn't get a limited edition, deluxe boxset release like 'The Walking Dead' always gets.

... just saying.

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November 30th

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November 29th
This is infinitely more entertaining, on every level, than Michael Jackson's Thriller.
... and the Bollywood singer isn't a drug addict or pedophile (alleged) so you can enjoy it guilt free.

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November 27th

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November 26th

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November 22nd

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November 21st

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November 17th

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November 14th

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November 7th

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November 3rd
Today we celebrate the fact that A-hole, Tom Savini, is one year closer to leaving this planet!
Let the party begin!

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November 1st
If you can't get your shit together long enough to sit still for a 90 minute movie, you have no business going to a theater or for that matter, out in public at all!

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October 29th

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October 28th

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October 22nd
Hey Del Toro, it's cool, we don't need you to. Just keep working on your crappy, fantasy films and leave the real Horror movies alone!

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(Additional Periscope Rant)

October 18th

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October 15th

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October 9th

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September 27th

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September 26th
Warning signs that a movie is going to suck:
Danny Trejo's name appears above the title.

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September 20th
Crap-tastic Film Making Tip: 
Don't worry about writing time consuming dialogue. Nothing says quality filmmaking like the voice of a narrator talking over your scenes.

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September 6th
Crap-tastic Film Making Tip: 
Stock footage ... and lots of it!

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September 5th
... yeah, but services like Shudder are what drove Video Stores out of business in the first place, stupid!

"The best compliment I can give Shudder is that browsing the channel on ROKU, I felt like I was back in the VHS video store days, scanning shelves up and down."
  - A quote from geeksofdoom.com's review of shudder.com

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August 31st

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August 30th
I just now discovered that Mirrors is a remake of the 2003 South Korean film, Into The Mirror. How did I not know this?!? I guess, from now on, I'll just assume that every new American movie is a remake until proven otherwise!

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August 29th
Anyone else sick of Hipster cover art designs that look nothing at all like their subject matter???
(photoshopped)

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August 23rd
Don't be mistaken, I'm not an angry person, I'm just extremely passionate about Horror. If you think I'm overly harsh with my opinions it's because I take it personally when filmmakers contribute to making the genre that I love a joke in the eyes of the world. It's been proven that Horror, when done right, can be a high quality, viable form of art like any other genre. Unfortunately, it's often disrespected & looked down upon and it's largely because of hack filmmakers who repeatedly exploit it by producing cheaply made trash. So, I hope you understand that I'm going to call bullshit each and every time that I see this happening. It may not change anything but it sure makes me feel better!

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August 22nd
Warning signs that a movie is going to suck:
It stars Jake Busey!!

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August 16th
Crap-tastic film making tip:

Include the line "We're gonna need a bigger <insert word>." in your script. It never gets old to parody that famous quote from Jaws.

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August 15th

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August 10th

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August 9th
I know I'm the only one who thinks Horror mashups are stupid but that doesn't negate the fact that they're really fucking gay!

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August 8th

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August 1st

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July 26th

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July 25th
I feel like, if you had this picture in your house, all of the food would start disappearing.

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July 18th

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July 15th

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July 8th

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July 5th

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July ?

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July 1st

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June 27th

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June 21st
I can't bring myself to watch The Redwood Massacre and it's based solely on this chick's eyebrows. 

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June 20th
They are still charging too much!!

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June 17th

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June 14th
A lot of people are complaining that Horrorhound Weekend's Facebook announcement (see below) is "unprofessional". I'm not sure when telling the truth became "unprofessional" but it's a breath of fresh air to me. The world is full of enough bullshit so it's refreshing when someone finally tells it like it is. 
... but either way, Horrorhound could drag Felissa Rose out into the street and publicly beat her with a fish and it wouldn't change that fact that their Conventions are the best in the world!

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June 13th
Maybe it was Christopher Lee's guiding hand that made me turn, last minute, into the Thrift Store where I found this VHS Documentary that he hosted. Maybe it was all the coffee I drank. Either way, thank you, Mr. Lee, for all the pleasure that your work has brought to my life.
The last of the old guard has past on and the world of Horror will never be the same.... RIP

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June 10th

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Case #3: Horror fans that readily support Hollywood remakes by seeing them in theaters and buying their home video releases but then are pissed off when their favorite old movie gets remade.
Status: Pending acquisition of a moron translator.

June 7th

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One Sentence Trailer Review:
SHIT-NADO!
Would I Watch it?
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June 6th
No, fer really, reals this time ... he's totally serious ... probably.
Starting to hold my breath ... right ... NOW!

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June 3rd
I hope that Ted Geoghegan (Writer/Director of the upcoming, 'We are Still Here') is infinitely more talented as a Director than he is as a Producer because his movies all suck ass!!

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May 31st
Horror movie killers are less frightening when they have a big, flabby jelly-gut. It's like, yeah, you're a homicidal maniac but I workout everyday so I'm pretty confident that I could outlast you in a fight with shear cardio endurance alone.

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May 30th
Jumping fucking jesus! 
Listen to this fucking mess!!

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May 24th

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May 23rd
Warning signs that a movie is going to suck:
It stars Edward Furlong ... PERIOD!!

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May 20th
Oh, come on!!

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May 17th
Man, this guy needs to get a fucking life!!
....but if he wants to be nitpicky about it, the average time from sunset to total darkness is around 25-30 minutes. So, technically, the creators of 'The Bay' are totally in the ballpark, give or take a few minutes and that would make him not only a hyper-critical dweeb with way too much time on his hands but also a total fucking retard!!

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May 16th
I'm pretty tolerant of other people's opinions about movies but anyone who likes the first two REC movies and also likes part 3 is a fucking asshole!!

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May 11th
So, now every home invasion film has to have a killer in an animal mask?!? 

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May 10th
The remake?!?
Even stupid meme creators should know better!!!

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May 9th

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May 8th
An American Horror Story ripoff and two remakes? Chiller is really on the cutting edge of innovation.

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May 6th
Don't tell me that a modern day bad movie is a "Grindhouse" film, like that gives it some sort of a free pass or something. 
The Grindhouse era was in the 70's and it involved low budget movies being played 24/7 at seedy theaters in NYC (and to a lesser extent, LA & San Francisco). The invention of home video in the 80's rendered these types of theaters obsolete. Therefore, there aren't anymore "Grindhouse" movies and there hasn't been in fucking decades. So, what you're talking about is a film that is trying to simulate the style of a low budget 70's movie and as we all know, a simulation of something original and cool is always quite fucking lame!!

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May 4th

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May 3rd

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May 2nd

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April 29th
WOW! 
Not only does this support, notorious dickhead, Tom Savini's career but it also helps to get another unnecessary remake made?!? 
Fuck You!!

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April 26th
This Monster Movie APP Nut-Shot goes out to the Douchebag who coined the phrase "Mumblegore". This insulting term was his/her inept way of describing high quality, intelligent indie Horror films that don't follow the painfully overused Hollywood movie making template.

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April 25th
Warning signs that a movie is going to suck:
It stars Michael Madsen and it's not the 90's

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April 22nd
What the fuck is going on at the Monroeville Mall?!? I've always wanted to go there but apparently it's the new Compton of the East Coast. 
What a shame!!

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April 19th
Good news parents, Dracula Has Risen From The Grave is apparently Rated-G so plop little Sally down in front of the TV and play it on a loop!!

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April 18th
I understand the legal complexities of distributing someone else's movie. Some times the owners will have the final say on the finished product. If they veto any part of it, the release date may be pushed back to allow for the necessary corrections to be made. This is just one of the many issues that can occur. 
Full Moon Features, on the other hand, can't even set a firm release date on the movies that they have produced themselves and have full right to distribute. EVER!! Their release dates bounce around like a fucking super-ball. It's a joke! I guess, the quality of their movies is representative of the quality of their staff!
(FYI ... Japanese distribution companies NEVER change their release dates. I guess they take it more seriously)

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April 15th
I'm just wondering why The Human Centipede 3 looks like a made-for-Syfy piece of shit that stars(?) such hacks as Eric Roberts and former Charlie Sheen "Goddess" & professional cock-magician, Bree Olson?!?

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April 12th
I would personally like to thank the housewife that recorded over the VHS copy of Are You In The House Alone that I found at a Thrift Store with The Roseanne Show. Talk about a disappointment!
Fuck you, you fucking Cow, wherever you are!!

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April 11th
An accurate representation of every mouth that I saw at Horrorhound Weekend Cincinnati. Not brushing must be a cool Ohio/Kentucky thing.

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April 8th
Remember when Anchor Bay put out high quality releases? 
A lot has changed!!

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April 5th
What's the over/under on how many times I'll see this picture posted today?
Whatever it is, I'm going with the over!!

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April 4th
Says the man who started filming a movie in 1990 and still hasn't finished it.

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April 1st
Dear Convention Promoters,

Cosplayers do not count as "Guests"!! They are just normal people who dress up in costumes.

Signed,
All Con attendees, everywhere

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March 29th
Can someone tell me why Danny Trejo is so popular?!? ...and don't say Machete because it fucking sucked!!

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March 28th

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Case #2: People who defend the rash of Hollywood remakes as if they are a positive movement in modern filmmaking.
Status: Pending an extensive psychological and intellectual evaluation.

March 27th
Warning signs that a movie is going to suck:
It stars Eric Roberts and it's not The Pope Of Greenwich Village.

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March 25th
I think we have all had this Gary Busey nightmare!!

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March 22nd
I had a drunken debate with a group of people (four against me) who thought that Hollywood's non-stop production of unnecessary remakes is a good thing. I was shocked to find out that anyone, who calls themselves a Horror fan, actually has that opinion. I guess, there are some dangerously disturbed people in the world but no matter how much they use The Thing as their crowning example of why remakes are sometimes worthwhile, it will never negate the fact that they are made out of pure laziness and greed.
So, FUCK REMAKES and the people who love them because apparently there are some!

March 21st
Please, only you can prevent this horrific tradgey from happening. Give til it hurts!!

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March 18th
Trejo is also available for Birthday Parties, Weddings and Bah Mitzvahs.

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March 15th

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Case #1: Buffy The Vampire Slayer fans who complain that the Twilight movies are watered down, Tween-Horror.
Status: Unsolvable 

March 14th
Translation: "We fucked up part 3 but don't worry because we'll get it right in part 4."

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March 11th

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March 8th
You can shove your lame-ass, "Scaraoke" dweeb-fests and horrible Britney Spears playing DJ's because this is how you schedule nighttime entertainment at a Horror Convention!!
Hail Horrorhound!!

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March 7th
Soooo, Angela has Downs Syndrome in this Sleepaway Camp 2 reissue?!?

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March 4th
Warning signs that a Horror movie is going to suck:
Kane Hodder has a major speaking role in it.

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March 1st
Is there any chance that it was this Spock that died and not Leonard Nimoy

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February 28th
Why is the internet community saying "Live long and prosper" to a guy that just died?!?
It's illogical.

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February 25th
35mm?!? 
Well, that just means the sequel will suck 19mm's more than the shitty 16mm original!!!

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February 22nd
The Overlords of political correctness dictate that we are to support (or pretend like we do) the all female cast of Ghostbusters 3 and any thoughts to the contrary are considered to be sexist. Apparently, humanity has suddenly become super enlightened over the past few years, at least, while other people are watching, that is. But sorry world, these are the undeniable facts:
1. Ghostbusters fans are predominantly males, roughly, between the ages of 30-50.
2. It's human nature to identify more with one's own gender, especially, when it comes to icons and heroes.
3. Fact #2 will never change no matter how thick the PC bullshit is spread.
4. Making a GB sequel with an all female cast alienates 99.9% of the target audience (See facts 1 & 2).
5. 'Ghostbuster 3' will be the biggest box office failure since Battlefield Earth.
If you strongly disagree with these facts please send your complaints to:
info@dreadcentral.com

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February 21st
So, this fucking moron is happy that Matt Cloude, the Writer/Director of the craptastic shit-pile, The Creightonville Terror is making a sequel to Night Of The Living Dead and somehow blackmailed poor Judith O'Dea into appearing in it?!? 
Of course, I'm sure he's aware that much like Day Of The Dead 2: Contagium and Night Of The Living Dead 3D, Night Of The Living Dead: Genesis is an unauthorized sequel that takes advantage of NOTLD's Public Domain status to make a quick buck off stupid fanboys, like himself, who blindly choke down any piece of shit that is feed to them.
So yeah ...but other than that, it's pretty fucking exciting news!

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February 18th
I know that coming up with original artwork, that hasn't been used before, is becoming more and more difficult but I still think that cover art needs to be pleasing to the eye and not completely fucking stupid!
Where I come from, putting a nurse's outfit on Michael Myers might get your ass kicked!

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(Halloween 2 soundtrack by Death Waltz)

February 15th
Satan's Blade has consistently had amazing artwork all the way from VHS to Blu-ray but as great as the cover art may be, it doesn't stop the movie from being really, really bad!

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February 14th
This cover art could use some work but it's definitely not the worst I've seen lately.

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(not photoshopped)

February 11th
Well, clearly the winner is 'Texas Frightmare Weekend' but there seems to be several major Cons missing from this rather abbreviated list of Horror Conventions.
...but more importantly, who made this sloppy-ass video? I believe there is a 'T' in the word 'best'. 

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February 8th
Tonight's action packed 'Walking Dead' season 5 mid-season return is going to make season 5's mid-season finale look like the lackluster season 5 season premier and will set the tone for the climatic season 5 season finale and pave the way for the much anticipated season 6 season premier.

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February 7th
Everyone that is bitching about Poltergeist 2015 being rated PG-13 needs to shut up and remember that the first one was only PG and it was still awesome.
...but as always, FUCK REMAKES!!

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February 1st
Without Bryan Bertino involved in making the sequel, they will probably reveal that "the strangers" are millionaires that have a team of employees who help them invade people's homes and get away with it!

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January 31st
Make your own movies, kid. That's your Dad's legacy, not yours.

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January 28th

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January 25th
Mansquito is coming, people ... better stock up on insecticide!!

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January 24th
A teaser trailer for Eli Roth's new movie?!? 
I don't want to hear anything from that prick until he finally releases The Green Inferno!!! 

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January 21st
A lot of Production/Distribution companies send media outlets movie screeners and DVD's to review. Unfortunately, some dishonest ones have policies of abruptly discontinuing these business relationships  when their products receive, what they feel are, an excessive amount of bad reviews. This assures that their poorly made films get mostly positive press. We have experienced this kind of treatment from companies. Eventually, we will create a 'list of shame' as a warning to fans of which labels' reviews cannot be trusted.

January 17th
"Disseminating matter harmful to juveniles"?!? ... Shit, this movie is harmful to everyone ... it sucks!!

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January 14th
Japanese writing is so cool that if they put it on a dog turd, I would still want to buy it!!

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January 11th

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January 7th
So many people are piddling in their pants over Babadook that I started feeling like maybe I judged it too harshly. I recently gave the film a re-visit and this is what I discovered:
1. It's not at all frightening. This is a pretty key missing element that is required for this type of film.
2. The main characters are extremely annoying, to the point where I wished them dead on multiple occasions. Especially the kid!
3. The best part of the film is the cool, hand drawn pop-up book. I can't give it a good review based on that alone. It's a movie not a piece of artwork.
4. The ending is still stupid. I don't care if it does make sense according to the Babadook legend, it's still a lame fucking ending either way.
Conclusion: Unfortunately, overall, Babadook is still Babadookie!!

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January 4th
Mike Flanagan went from Absentia to Oculus to Writing/Directing the I Know What You Did Last Summer remake?!?
Witness the slippery, shit-slide to becoming a Hollywood sell out!!!

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January 3rd
Titty-Actress: adj idiom
An actress of limited acting talent but with ample physical attractiveness. This type of actress is only cast in movies for the purpose of selling DVDs to horny geeks.
Example: "Filmmakers use 'titty-actresses' to compensate for their lack of talent."

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December 31st
The vortex of suckage created by 'The Cabin In The Woods' continues to rip its way through the fabric of space and time, enabling it to be the worst movie of 2012, '13 and now 2014!
Leading scientists say that the film's combined sucking & blowing effects are increasing exponentially and that at its current rate, we are likely to see another appearance from this shit-berg in 2015.
Will the horror ever stop???

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December 28th
Media outlets feel like they need to provide a non-stop flow of posts whether they are actually news worthy or not. Ridiculous, non-articles like this are part of the reason why social media is killing the internet.

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December 24th
Want to get rid of the found footage genre? Just outlaw the use of the following phrases: 
"Did you hear that?"
"Did you see that?" 
"What was that?"
...and the rest will take care of itself.

December 21st
Hey, I totally get that there are lots of different types of Horror films and that sometimes Hollywood will miscategorize them but when it comes to creating a 'Top Ten Of 2014' list can we all just support the genre that we love? If you have to preface each of your selections with an explanation of why the non-Horror movie you chose is actually a Horror film, I think you may have lost the spirit of why Top Ten lists are created. Stop trying to impress the world by recategorize non-genre movies for the purpose of stroking your own massive ego. We get it, your supreme intellect was able to see past the standard labeling and determine that a particular Drama film has some elements of Horror. That's fantastic but in reality you are only accomplishing two things: One, it makes you look like a pretentious Dick and two, you are slighting all the talented people who actually set out to create a Horror film and doing a disservice to the genre as a whole. There were enough quality, traditional Horror movies in 2014 to create a solid list without genre jumping. Let's just celebrate those films and the filmmakers who made them.
...oh, and a list "In no particular order" is just fucking lazy. Ordering the movies is the hardest part. Do it right or not at all!

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December 20th

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December 14th
Audition Film: adj idiom
Is defined as a movie created by an indie filmmaker for the purpose of getting noticed by major Hollywood Producers. These films are usually void of the qualities that made their previous work good and contain a lot of flashy camera work, action sequences and lack any significant storyline.
Example: "Tommy Wirkola and Greg Mclean both made 'Audition Films' as sequels to their indie Horror classics."

December 13th
Dear Ebay Sellers,
Not every movie is fucking "rare" and "out of print". 
Stop it!

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December 10th
Man! I'm having a really hard time forcing myself to watch these Tusk and Horns screeners. They both just look so stupid! Maybe, bourbon will help.

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December 7th
New Year's Evil is scheduled to be released on Blu-ray February 24th?!? Hey Scream Factory, if you can't release it before New Year's then wait until next year. Anything else is just stupid!!

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December 6th
'V/H/S: Viral' is getting a February 17th DVD/Blu-ray release ...
So, there's plenty of time to stock up on Dramamine

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December 3rd
It wasn't until I started compiling my 'Top Ten Movies Of 2014' list that I realized what a shitty year it has been for Horror. In 2013 there were so many great films that I struggled to whittle my list down to only ten. This year I am struggling to find ten that are worthy of making the cut. I'm just going to blame Bradley Fuller and Guillermo del Toro. Why? ... because they're both asshole movie producers ... that's why!!

November 30th
I really hope that Disney doesn't start buying up Horror franchises!!

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November 29th
Netflix is removing all of these great Horror films from their streaming library:
The Serpent and the Rainbow
Night of the Creeps
Monkey Shines
Count Yorga, Vampire
The Return of Count Yorga
Event Horizon
Invaders from Mars (1986)
...but don't worry, they are adding all these shit-tastic, nutty-turds as replacements.
(For the record, I do like Oculus and Dark Skies but still not a fair exchange)
I, Frankenstein
Oculus
Sharknado 2: The Second One
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones
Dark Skies

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November 26th
Wrong Turn 6: Last Resort was pulled from shelves due to a lawsuit in Ireland but it should have been pulled based solely on the fact that it fucking sucks!!

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November 23rd
Now, this is an Iranian Horror movie!!

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November 22nd
After a lifetime of denying the role, I'm surprised that she admitted it to her fiance. The ungrateful cunt!!

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November 19th
Can you think of any conceivable reason why they would change their movie poster from this amazing artwork to ...

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... this generic nightmare?!? ...and don't say nipples because I don't think you can see any.

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November 16th
MST3K may have wrecked watching cult cinema with a live audience forever. Now every lame-dicked-asshole thinks that they're Mike Nelson, shouting out stupid comments and laughing at scenes that aren't even funny. 
Think I'll just watch movies at home from now on!!

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November 15th
I bought this the other day ...

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...and the best part of the whole DVD is that I could hide the terrible comic book cover design with a reversible sleeve of the original artwork! 

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November 12th
Tampon-Horror: adj idiom
Defined as a subgenre of Horror films that are Written/Directed by women. These movies are typically really bad and lack the intensity that one would expect from this genre of filmmaking.

November 9th
The term 'Hater' was created by/for untalented people as a coping mechanism to deal with the fact that they suck at what they do!

November 8th
Have you ever met one of those annoying Horror fans that claim that Horror movies don't scare them anymore?
Then why are you fucking watching them?!? Do you also watch comedies and never laugh???

November 7th

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November 5th
I don't want to say that this film is a total ripoff but I'll go ahead and assume that Tusk would never have been made if the Human Centipede series didn't come first.

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November 3rd
The statement "Support Indie Horror"  sounds great doesn't it? But blindly supporting bad filmmakers doesn't help the Horror scene, it hurts it. We don't need any more ridiculously awful films discrediting the genre so pick your battles carefully!!

November 2nd
So, it's official, Johnny Depp will do just about any role no matter how fucking stupid he looks!

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November 1st
I never understood why Horror fans hated Eli Roth ... now I do!!!

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October 29th
This 'Treehouse Of Horror' intro created by Guillermo del Toro further proves what an egomaniacal dick he is. I counted seven references (there's probably more) to his own shitty movies jammed in there.
I have news for you, del Toro, Blade II doesn't deserve to share the same opening with classics like The Birds nor do any of the rest of your films!!

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October 26th
There's nothing more irritating than a non-horror website trying to tell me which "scary movies" I should watch for Halloween!

October 25th
You know it's time to find a new Horror Convention when:
The Con promoter starts using it as a way to sell his new children's book...And schedules himself a Q&A panel to talk about it....WTF?!?

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October 22nd
Tell me that this isn't the type of annoying jerk off that you would expect to see at the Troma vendor booth.
All the Lloyd Kaufman haters out there know what I'm talking about.

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October 18th

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October 15th
Crap-tastic film making tip:
When you finally get an opportunity to make a movie, really standout from the crowd by doing a remake.

October 11th
If you want to lose all faith in humanity just go hunting for movies at a Goodwill 'Bargain Barn'. Watching the human-rats scurry around greedily as they snap and snarl for the biggest piece of cheese is enough to have you looking for a sniper rifle and the nearest high tower.
(not really ... don't call the FBI)

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October 8th
According to the cover of Fangoria's 'Legends Presents: Rob Zombie' magazine, Sherri Moon is pregnant! Is this breaking news or just shitty artwork?

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October 5th
I don't give a shit about your Horror Convention politics. If Adolf Hitler put on a great Con, I would be the first one buying VIP tickets every year!

October 4th
So, Bryan Bertino's second film, 'Mockingbird' is coming to VOD on 10/7/14. Why haven't I heard about this movie?!?  After the massive success of The Strangers it seems kinda odd that there's no buzz about his next film. Hmmmm, something stinks worse than Guillermo del Toro's greasy, skid marks about the way this release is being handled!!!

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October 3rd

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October 1st

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September 28th
Some "Horror fans" only watch Horror movies to laugh at them. So do they like Horror or do they hate it? 
I don't get it. I never make fun of the things that I like!! 

September 27th
You sure are!!

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September 21st
The new Count Chocula looks like a combination of Bob Hope, Bugs Bunny and Bambi.
Fucking terrible!!

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September 20th
As a whole, the classic J-Horror filmmakers have not fared well in making the transition over to American films. It's almost like the Hollywood system is not conducive to creativity. As a matter of fact, I'm positive that it's not!!

September 17th
Can't wait for this comic book to come out!.....what?....It's a Blu-ray cover?....really??....Oh, well then it sucks!!

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September 14th

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September 10th
This is an amazing box set of the Twilight Zone series but at a $350 list price, they can suck .... my .... BALLS!!!

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September 7th

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September 6th
So, now Halloween Horror Nights is Universal Studio's platform for advertising their latest shitty movies?!?
I remember when it was just about Halloween.

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September 3rd
I'm sorry, Hill & Aja but your movie looks fucking stupid!!

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(Horns)

August 30th
The terrible design of these Universal Studios steelbooks reminds me of something.

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Hmmmmm ... what could it be??

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August 27th
I took some heat for calling Jennifer Lawrence a butter-face in my House At The End Of The Street review but I think my point is proven in the picture below. Without a ton of makeup she looks like Rocky Dennis from Mask.

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August 24th
In an attempt to raise awareness of Horror fans who are sick of insulting major box office releases, I'm offering up the 'Shit On Cabin In The Woods Challenge'. Just pinch off a hot loaf on your copy of Cabin In The Woods, take a picture of it and tweet your submission to: @josswhedon 

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August 23rd
The 2005 'Night Stalker' reboot seemed like a reeeally great idea. Shockingly, it only lasted 6 weeks. 
....hmmmm wonder why?

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August 20th
Before you plunk your hard earned cash down to watch this upcoming Hollywood, soft-serve secretion, make sure that you understand that it's actually a remake of..... 

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.....this religious propaganda film starring former TV star, notorious christian brainwasher and suspected Anti-christ (probably), Kirk Cameron.

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August 17th

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August 16th
No matter what our differences, we can all agree that Stephen Baldwin sucks!

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August 13th
I don't want to say that Dan O'Bannon ripped this movie off but if you want to see where his "influence" for Alien came from watch IT! The Terror From Beyond Space!!

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August 10th
So, General Mills brought in DC Comics' best artists to make the Monster Cereal mascots look worse?!?

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August 9th
At $365 for a photo-op, not only do I want full make-up AND full costume but that motherfucker better bring his knee pads!!

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August 8th
Why is Rob Zombie, who is worth an estimated 40 million dollars, crowd funding his next movie? ... 
"I’m crowd funding because I realize that it’s an incredible opportunity to engage the fans. They’ve always been the most important thing for me because, with metal and horror, the fans aren’t just fans – it’s their life, their lifestyle. They live and breathe it, as I do, and any way that you can bring the people that are as passionate about it as you are into the process is a win-win for everybody.Get on board! Get involved! Be part of this horrifying business! The world of horror needs you!"
 ... and if you're buying this line of BULLSHIT, Rob has a crappy T-shirt you can purchase for only $50!!!

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August 6th
... says the lady who can't even write a short grammatically correct sentence ...

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August 4th
If you buy this T-shirt and talk to it, you will have the same experience as meeting Doyle in person .... but at least you will still have the shirt afterwards.

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August 3rd
Bruce Campbell is starring in this??? Can you even kill a deadite with a cane???

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August 2nd
Why?!?

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July 30th
It's called The Underneath because if they had named it The Descent people might suspect that it was a ripoff.

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July 27th
Rue Morgue Magazine doesn't do centerfolds very often (if ever) but when they do, rest assured that it will be the lamest one they could possibly produce.

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Rue Morgue Magazine issue #145 centerfold

July 26th
Did you know that True Blood fans call themselves "Trubies"?!? Just when you think that show couldn't get more gay it finds a way!!

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July 20th
.....or the problem could be that the 2014 major releases are equal parts bullshit sequels and total crap!

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July 19th
Wait ... Is it possible to impartially review a convention that you work for???
(The writer works for From Dusk Till Con ... The creators of FDTC also run the Days Of The Dead Conventions)

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July 16th
OK, so she might not exactly be an "asshole" but she clearly only uses Horror Conventions to preach to her fans about her stupid dog rescue charity. Not a terrible thing but wrong place, wrong time.
Just sign my Exorcist poster and stop harassing me, I don't care about your fucking dogs!!

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July 13th
Thank fuck he died before this happened!!

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July 12th
Crap-tastic film making tip:
When making an Anthology film be sure to group all your best segments at the beginning of the movie. That way it has plenty of time to fall apart at the end.

July 9th
Doyle is working overtime to reinforce the fact that most muscle-heads from New Jersey are total Dick-wads. So unless you are a stack of free-weights or a bottle of performance enhancing drugs, don't expect a warm reception from him.

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July 3rd
Drop your pants and grab your ankles, Del Toro is preparing to unleash another Pacific-Rim-Job upon the world!!

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July 2nd
Corey Feldman still consistently draws huge autograph lines at Horror Conventions. Apparently people haven't heard that he is an untalented, jerk off who hasn't done anything significant since 1987 and that he's slowly morphing into a creepy, midget version of Michael Jackson.

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July 1st
It's funny how two people can both love Horror and still have nothing in common. That's how deep the genre goes.

June 30th
So, the people at a corporate convention have a free run of the hotel and can drink whatever they want, wherever they want but the good folks at a Horror con get treated like the Jews in Nazi Germany???
Trust me, I've worked in the corporate world and those are the twats you should keep your eye on!!!

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June 29th
Pretty much the dumbest thing I have ever seen! 
Out of good ideas? ... fuck it, just write about anything.

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click the pic

June 28th
Horror + Hillbillys =

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June 25th
Someone forgot to tell Olivia Munn that it's only a movie!!

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June 22nd
I'm sorry but just because a crappy film is produced locally on a micro-budget doesn't mean it gets a kinder review. A movie is a movie, it's either good or bad. Case closed.

June 21st
Anytime I see the word "Epic" used to describe a movie my brain shuts down.

June 18th
So the phrase 'Cult Film' now means any shitty low budget movie? Sometimes it's used before the movie is even released!
I believe it used to mean a good movie that flew beneath the radar and wasn't recognized by the mainstream viewing audience and it took years to reach 'cult' status.

June 15th
I met the Bizarro-Me yesterday. He loves Troma, hates the Nightmare on Elm St series, thinks Cabin Fever is hilarious (?) (although he believes it's an Evil Dead ripoff. Huh? They both take place in a cabin, I guess?) and proudly shared a tale of how he verbally assaulted Cerna Vincent at a Horror Con.
I just walked away confused and disgusted that such a twisted creature exists!

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June 14th
Uh, pretty sure this isn't a Horror movie trailer!

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June 11th
The sad part is that if he had reported the price discrepancy (which I was not aware of) like a human being and not been a total Jerkoff, I probably would have given him a free premium copy for his trouble. Instead, welcome to the land of banned D-bags! 
All this anger over $1. Show some fucking pride, Man! Act like you have four quarters to spare.
P.S. The link I responded with goes to the Dread Central APP.

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click to enlarge

June 8th
Fucking clown-shoes!!!

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June 7th
This is what a bad Horror movie sounds like...

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Junes 4th
Charles Band, the best used car salesman in the Horror movie industry!!

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June 1st
Uh .... sigh!!

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May 31st
Crap-tastic film making tip:
Copy a legendary Horror movie scene shot-for-shot and call it your own. Fans love that shit!!

May 30th
It's always funny when I hear/see a Harry Potter super-dweeb talking shit about Twilight. On the lameness-scale, they weigh pretty much the same!

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May 29th
Gag reel???
This whole fucking movie is a gag reel!!

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May 28th
So, June starts an entire month without a major Box Office Horror release. I guess because the world needs more of this awesomeness ....

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May 27th
Seriously?!? 
Don't try to make your own film or anything. Go ahead and use Jigsaw's voice, no one will ever notice that you ripped it off from Saw.

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May 26th
Filling a movie review with big, archaic words doesn't make for a better review. It's just a bunch of journalistic masturbation. Get to the fucking point and stop stroking your own ego!!

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May 25th
In a 'Who is the biggest retard' contest, is this a draw???

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May 24th
So far, the concensus of the average American film goer is that Godzilla 2014 is boring. And the people who love Pacific Rim don't like it. Perfect! That means it's gonna be really good in my world. I don't need 90 minutes of strobing CGI and explosions to keep my attention.

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May 21st
Hey Charles Band,
Fuck all your stupid Puppet Master bullshit, can we get a Herbert West action figure made?!?

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May 18th
At this point wouldn't you try to hide the fact that Stephen Baldwin is in your movie.

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....Maybe something like this...

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May 17th
Stephen Baldwin is the Stephen Baldwin of actors.

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May 14th
I would personally like to thank the jerk-offs from 'The Walking Dead' for driving up the Horror Convention autograph prices. Because of you fuck heads, the other celebrities have had to raise their prices and I completely understand why they are doing it. When an actual Horror icon like George Romero watches piss-ant Chandler Riggs, who has accomplished nothing in his career comparatively, raking in $80 per signature he has no choice but to stay competitive just to save face.
I look forward to the day when TWD is long forgotten and you are all at a Holiday Inn in Cleveland charging $10 for an autograph and hoping you make enough money to buy lunch as the disinterested attendees pass you by.
Until then , eat my ass!!

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May 13th
**Warning: Spoiler Alert for the film 'Blood Glacier'**
See full review here
Dog-Baby: adj Idiom 
Is defined as a ridiculous plot twist in a good movie that ruins the rest of the film completely.
Example:"That was a great film but the filmmakers really 'Dog-babied' the ending."

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May 11th
Seems like when you descend to a certain level of Horror filmmaking it becomes a lot like the porn industry. Shady producers, money laundering and big fake tits.

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May 10th
Didn't Ti West learn anything from that money grubbing chipmunk, Lars Ulrich and his embarrassing campaign against Napster? Right or wrong, this kind of statement just makes him look like a greedy douchebag!!!

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May 6th
Our second HAHOF inductee, Michael Biehn, is a real humorless toolbag who once nearly walked out of a Q&A because the audience questions weren't coming fast enough.

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May 5th
Horror Convention attendees are to Horror what St. Patrick's Day drinkers are to drinking

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May 4th
Dear Wes Bentley
You were so amazing in P2! I'm sorry your career took such an ugly turn!

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(The Hunger Games)

May 3rd
Dear George Romero,
$50 to sign my poster?!? Just because I'm a Horror fan doesn't mean I'm stupid!
Suck my danglers ya greedy fucking prick!

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April 30th
That's fucking awesome! And now that I have officially seen every fucking frame of the movie, I don't need to fucking watch it ... thanks, assholes!!

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April 27th
There's no way this isn't going to suck!!!

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April 26th
Magnet Releasing: "It's Scream meets Glee."
What fucking Horror fan wants to see that?!?

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April 23rd
Beware of this one, guys!!

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As you can see, they went to great lengths to edit all of the gay out of the original poster.

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April 20th
Our first (of many) HAHOF inductee is Tom Savini for a long established history of arrogance, indifference, rudeness and a general sense that he is being put out by any fans that approach him. 

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April 19th
I fucking hate when people use the term 'Popcorn Flick'!!
For example: "The Conjuring is a great popcorn flick to enjoy a bucket of hot buttered dick with."

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April 16th
Eh! Can't think of anything they contributed that was worth a shit. Rest In Peace, ya greedy, ass-kissing whores!!

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April 13th
When you do nothing but share other people's hard work (articles, reviews, announcements, art etc) on your own social media page it makes you a lazy, pathetic wanna be journalist but sharing without crediting the source wins you the...

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April 12th
The Asylum, producers of Sharknado, need your $50,000 to help make Sharknado 2
According to The Hollywood Reporter, "The Sharknado phenomenon is projected to propel revenue for The Asylum from $5 million in 2009 to $19 million this year."
So give generously people, they need your cash!!!

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April 8th
Why would Kotobukiya make "Ms. Krueger" muffin-topping like a mall-skank?!?

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April 6th
Crap-tastic film making tip:
A lighthearted soundtrack really sets the tone for big scares. The more ridiculous and inappropriate the better.

April 5th
Sorry, Chiller TV but Fear Factor is not Horror and therefore does not belong on your Horror Television Network!!

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April 2nd
Guess I made the right decision to not watch Vampire Diaries!!
(Not photoshopped ... actual cover)

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March 30th

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March 29th
Just to put this whole Phantasm V thing into perspective, Don Coscarelli did not direct it, a guy named David Hartman did and he is mostly known for his work on really lame children's cartoons. The only thing less confidence inspiring than his 55 Winnie The Pooh directing credits is the video reel of his non-animated work.

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March 26th
Unpopular Opinion: 

I hate Videodrome!!!

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March 23rd
Is there a more unwelcome sound in a Horror movie soundtrack than a Slide Whistle???

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click the pic

March 22nd
Horror fans as a group are too stuck in the past. If you only watch the old classics over and over again, how will you ever find the new classics???

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March 19th
Well, it was a good run of amazing indie films.
Welcome to the Hollywood turd-cutter Ti.

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March 16th
This new cover art makes me nauseous!

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March 15th
Do you think Robert Rodriguez will play his crappy Spy Kids movies on El Rey Network???

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March 10th
Can we all agree that 'Plan 9 From Outer space' is no longer the "worst movie ever made" thanks to the availability of affordable digital film equipment?

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March 9th
I really don't want to see fat housewives wearing 'Team Mister' T-shirts that they bought from Walmart!!
GAY!!

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March 8th
If there is a god, high def restoration of classic Horror movies will someday be looked back on as favorably as Ted Turner's colorization projects are today!!

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March 5th
Is it me or is Godzilla a little chubby? He's looking more like Fat-zilla in 2014.
Stop eating all those Japanese, you porky atomic lizard!!

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click the pic to enlarge

March 2nd
Make sure you boycott the Academy Awards tonight. They have 86 years of pretending Horror isn't a movie genre.

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March 1st

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click here for more info

February 26th
WHAT?!?? They remade this movie??? I think they missed the point of why anyone still cares about the original film ... 
ALYSSA MILANO NAKED!!!

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click the pic to enlarge

February 23rd

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February 22nd
 I'm sure all three of them really appreciate this.

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February 19th
AWESOME!!

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click pic to enlarge

February 16th
Who the fuck wants to watch a cut version of 'Laid To Rest'?!?

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February 15th
This Monster Movie APP Voodoo Doll goes to the YouTube channel LegoLambs for turning 'Frozen' into an extremely lame musical. There should be a special prison for people like you!! 

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February 13th
No matter how much you know that a movie sucks, there will always be someone who loves it but in my vast experience, I have found that they are wrong 100% of the time!!

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February 12th
Saying that your Horror Convention has crazy after parties does not make it a fact.

February 10th
Crap-tastic film making tip:
Lighting really dark scenes is optional.

February 9th
Crap-tastic film making tip:
Make a super slow paced movie that is confusing and ends abruptly with no explaination or payoff.

February 8th

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February 6th
A Horror Convention Advisory:

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February 5th
Crap-tastic film making tip:
Base all your movies on other people's original ideas.

February 3rd
Why are B-movies from the past so much better than they are today? Because back then the filmmakers were attempting to make the best movie they could with limited resources and they unintentionally turned out raw and sometimes cheesy.
When today's filmmakers intentionally set out to emulate this style they lose all that made the old classics cool. 

Art is best when it's spontaneous and unintentional not when it's planned out and reproduced.

February 2nd
Remember when Eric Roberts was an Academy Award nominated actor? 
Drugs are a motherfucker, huh?

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February 1st
A majority of Fangoria's 'Chainsaw Award' nominees are fucking awful movies...WTF?!?
(all the terrible films are highlighted)

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the full nominee list

January 29th
It's safe to say that if you see his name in the credits, the movie (or TV show) is gonna suck more than anything has sucked since the last thing you saw him in!!

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Gerrit Graham

January 26th
Some movies should stay out of print!!

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January 25th
Unpopular Opinion:

Voltaire SSSSSSSUCKS!!

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January 23rd
Hey Norman, it's not really the Zombie apocalypse. Showers still work!

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January 19th
Fuck, has it already started? The UK pussed-out on the Carrie DVD cover.
See rant from January 15th below....

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January 18th
Really, Rue Morgue?!?
Report Horror news or fuck off!!

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January 16th
I go online to look for the latest Horror news and I'm barraged with hidden camera pranks filmed by movie studios to promote their films. 
Clown Shoes!!

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January 15th
Here we go again! I guess they didn't learn anything from how silly the Video Nasties made them look.

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January 13th
Bradley Fuller, bringing you the future of Horror, one shitty film and terrible remake at a time.

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January 12th
The Cabin In The Woods sucked so hard that it ripped a hole in the fabric of space and time to become the worst movie of both 2012 and 2013.

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January 11th
Those Iranians sure know how to leave you wanting more ... yawn!!

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January 7th
Forget about all the blizzards, Anchor Bay and Syfy are unleashing a much more horrifying man-made catastrophe upon the world today. 
Stock up on food, water and for fuck sake stay away from the video stores!
Be safe everyone and good luck!

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