MONSTER MOVIE RANTS

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THE ANGRY BITCHING OF A GRUMPY OLD HORROR MOVIE FAN

*Rant Archives 2*

  -WARNING-
If you are humorless, sensitive or politically correct, this section is not for you!!
January 6th
Crap-tastic film making tip:

Sporting montages always make for an incredible Horror film so the more, the better!!

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January 4th

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January 1st
This makes fun of itself. I don't need to say a word!!

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December 29th
I hate when I 'follow' someone on Twitter and they instantly 'direct message' me with whatever bullshit they're promoting.
Welcome to 'block' annoying A-hole!!

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December 28th
I guess getting cheap VHS Horror movies will become impossible now that Goodwill has it's own Amazon store!!

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December 26th
How could anyone like this movie? It has the gayest ending I've ever seen!!
Maybe it appeals to fans of Grease.

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Christmas Evil

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Grease

December 22nd
No offense to Stuart 'Feedback' Andrews but at some point you have to look deep within yourself and ask, "Do I have a voice for radio or does my thick accent and deviated septum make me sound like I have a mouth full of cock?"

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December 21st
Which Horror region will he most heavily steal his ideas from? 
Italian?, Japanese?, Filipino?, Mexican?

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December 18th
Taking the prequel to a Caribbean cruise ship with the Director of the nutty shit-cluster 'Altitude' at the helm. 
Can you say "Titanic" ?!?

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December 15th
Now this ... seems like a really bad idea!!

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December 14th
The word 'cute' doesn't belong in Horror!!

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December 12th
WHOREnet.com

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December 10th
Charles Band has found a new angle!!
**Click at your own risk**

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December 8th
There are some rare exceptions but in general, anytime an American movie is released in Europe first, it's a sloppy whore-vag of a film!!

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December 7th
Joe Dante wants your money!

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WOW!! For $17,500 you get a Producer credit AND two invites to the red carpet premiere. 
What a fucking joke!!
I'll stop crying bullshit when the investors are given a percentage of the movie's profits just like any other producer would get!!

December 5th
Horror-Con-Movie or HCM: adj idiom 
Is defined as when a filmmaker (usually shitty) is able to corner the celebrities (usually out of work) at a Horror Convention and convince them to do their movie (also usually shitty) just because they are all grouped together in one room.
See example below:

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Army Of The Damned

December 4th
What a dreadful time of year to be a Horror fan. With no good theater, DVD or VOD releases coming up all we have is the sappy sweetness of christianity's holiday rituals (that are actually pagan) and a bunch of fake fuckers walking around pretending they give a shit about their fellow man.
It's disgusting!!

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December 2nd
Possibly the most misleading cover art since the old 'bait n' switch' days of the 80's VHS boom!!

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December 1st
The average age of an astronaut is 34 and the maximum is 46.
Just sayin'!!

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Gravity

November 30th
Silent Night, Bloody Night 2 will be released on DVD February 15th just in time for Christma ... Valentines Da .... uh .... I guess nothing ... Good fucking planning Guys!!

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November 27th
The Italian Masters return .... and ask for your money!!!

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VIDEO

November 24th
Remember when Resident Evil was a Horror franchise about Zombies???

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November 20th
George Romero: 
"They asked me to do a couple of episodes of The Walking Dead but I didn't want to be a part of it. Basically it’s just a soap opera with a zombie occasionally. I always used the zombie as a character for satire or a political criticism and I find that missing in what’s happening now."
George Romero is right about The Walking Dead and I said the same thing on August 20th ...
Rant from August 20th:
"Horror isn't designed to be a platform for a long running TV show. In order to keep the story going you have to add a lot of drama and at that point it is more soap opera than Horror."
 ...but more than that, Romero can say whatever he wants about any show that is cashing in on the Zombie genre that he created!!

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November 17th
The Rock executes another People's Elbow on the movie industry!

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November 16th
I guess, my main problem is that The CW has never come close to producing a show that is even remotely fucking watchable!!

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November 11th
Model+Bathing Suit+Gizmo=uh...hot???

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November 10th
 Can anyone explain to me how this guys is even remotely related to Horror movies and why Cons are booking him?!?

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November 9th
I know a lot of you grew up with Blockbuster but before you get too sad, think about all the 'mom n' pop' video stores that they intentionally drove out of business. When they eventually did dominate the market they started offering high prices, terrible customer service and their once legendary selection was reduced to nothing but new releases. At that point movie fans had no other alternative and were forced to use them out of desperation.
Fuck'em!!

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November 6th
It's no coincidence that this totally looks like a tampon ad!!

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November 3rd
Can you tell which one of the following pictures is CGI from a movie?
Guess and click the pic for the answer.

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November 2nd
Did you know that in 2009 there was a U.S. remake of the 2003 Korean film A Tale of Two Sisters called The Uninvited which is also the title of a completely different 2003 Korean movie as well as a 2001 Indonesian release and 1944 and 2008 American Horror films and if this makes sense to you then you must be a  weasel-eyed Hollywood movie executive.

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October 30th
I'm almost glad when Halloween is over each year. I hear soccer-moms using the term 'scary movie' much less when it is!

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October 28th
What boy didn't fantasize about banging the shit out of o' Mickey on Halloween?

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October 27th
... and people say that Bollywood movies are shitty ...

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October 26th
I like to go to Cons that I know are run by douchebags, not buy tickets, cover the place with MMAPP flyers, party all night at their hotel and not give them one dime of my money ... cus fuck'em, that's why!!

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October 23rd
There has never been a funny Horror 'Mash-up' ...
Please, please, stop trying!!

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October 22nd

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October 21st

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October 20th
Why are there so many poster designs for every movie? Wouldn't it make more sense to create one really good design instead of 50 shitty versions?!?

October 19th
There are literally hundreds (if not thousands) of Horror Hosts out there these days and 99.9% of them are just total crap!!

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October 14th
Anyone else notice that Chandler Riggs has adopted the same bad acting techniques as Andrew Lincoln and Jon Bernthal

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October 13th
Watching Pacific Rim last night had an adverse effect on me!!

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October 12th
Michael Bay: "I have a great fantasy, that I will probably make a reality, of directing my own self-financed horror movie. I love this genre because the movie is the star.

If you love the genre so much why have you donkey-punched it over and over again for your own profit?!?

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Full Interview

October 9th
Lady Gaga, Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson ... No, it's not the cast of Scary Movie part 6 ... it's another crappy Robert Rodriguez film!

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October 6th
Everyone is walking around town flaunting their retro Monster Cereal boxes and bragging about how they bought them at Target. Well, I went to Target and they didn't have any!!! 
Is the world fucking with me?!?

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October 5th
"Now, don't stare at me, don't photograph me and ignore the fact that I'm almost completely naked and walking around in public."

If everyone just totally ignored all Cos-play skanks, they would be begging for someone to harass them again.

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October 1st
Penn Jillette is worth an estimated $175 million dollars and is trying to 'crowd-fund' a horror movie?!? Fund your own fucking movie! I call BULLSHIT! 

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September 29th
See!!! ...
I'm not crazy and I knew my neck wasn't shrinking!!!
Rant from Feb 16th:
"I'd like to thank all the metrosexuals out there for my growing collection of Horror T's with scooping women's necklines and short girly sleeves. 
Thanks for changing how men's T-shirts are cut, fucking assholes!!"

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September 28th
I'm done with all the new Carrie trailers ... just release the shit-bird already!!
We already know the fucking story!!

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September 23rd
"The Headless Horseman has friends ... and they're coming to Sleepy Hollow" 

The Headless Horseman has friends?!? What, like a supervillain team? Do they live at the The Hall of Doom?!? 

Be sure you miss tonight's must miss episode of this must miss show!!

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September 22nd
This could be a desperate attempt to sell a shitty movie but why hold back, where's the two-headed dildo?

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September 21st
Back in 2005 I would have been excited.
Now? ... Not so much!!

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Neil Marshall

September 20th
I guess it's wrong that I'm turned off by the crappy digital Photoshop FX and not the fact that she's a decaying corpse. 
I should probably seek help.

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September 19th
I'm not sure you can call yourself a Horror movie fan if you don't have at least one multi-region DVD/Blu-ray player.

September 18th
Maybe I'm too sensitive but once again, I feel like they changed the name from S-VHS to VHS 2 because they think Americans are too stupid to figure it out. 
I guess, no one is worried about the Germans.

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September 17th
Seriously, has Dread Central ever not liked a movie? If you send them a screener, I'm pretty sure a good review is just part of the deal.

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September 16th
How fucking awful is this DVD cover art?!?

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September 14th
Sleepy Hollow the TV series? Television executives are so afraid of any kind of original thought that they have to attach a 'name' to every project. This is TV's equivalent to a movie remake.
LAME!!

September 13th
Are these CGI?

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Pacific Rim Heroclix

September 12th
Do you think Linda Blair goes to dog rescue events and talks about The Exorcist?

September 10th
I finally found something that looks worse than CGI blood ... CGI dog drool!!
(The Demented ... 18:44)

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September 8th
I guess I'm the only one who thinks Bad Milo looks fucking stupid. Seriously? An asshole goblin? Did Troma make this POS?!?

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September 4th
Too often distribution companies attempt to get 'cleaver' with DVD cover art when the original movie poster was a hundred times better. In most cases, these companies need to fire their graphic designers and save themselves some money.

September 1st
How do distribution companies not know when their DVDs are actually being released?!? I'm talking, massive changes in release dates ... like months! In any other business that would be finacial suicide!!

August 31st
See now, no one needs to see this movie in Hi-Def.

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August 30th
I just ordered physical copies of my Get Glue stickers ... just joking, I'm not a fucking moron!!

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August 29th
How have I gone all these years without making fun of this?!? I feel so left out.

Jeff Wayne's Musical Version of The War of the Worlds

Some things just don't need terrible musical accompaniment.

August 27th
Maybe, the answer is to not go see movies in theaters. There have been some pretty awesome direct to DVD/VOD horror films since tickets sales dropped.
Don't Support Horror!!
(In theaters) 

August 24th
William Friedkin: The Exorcist is not a Horror movie, it's "a film about the mystery of faith". 
Friedkin has always been a little confused as to which type of movie fans have been paying his mortgages for all these years. My suggestion, don't buy the new box set and find the torrent instead!! 

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Full William Friedkin interview

August 22nd
Edgar Wright? .. Disney? .. Johnny Depp? ... The Night Stalker remake?!?
FUCK YOU!!
I, in all seriousness, hope that the Earth gets hit by an asteroid and burns to a smoldering, turd size chunk of space debris before this abomination is completed!!

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August 20th
Horror isn't designed to be a platform for a long running TV show. In order to keep the story going you have to add a lot of drama and at that point it is more soap opera than Horror. The anthology format is the only way Horror can work on television.
This is my official statement to all the people who stare at me in shocked, disbelief when I tell them that, "I don't watch Dexter."

August 18th
"A lot of studio films seem to assume that horror audiences aren't very bright"... Simon Barrett 
YEP!!

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August 17th
Horror movies shouldn't strive to be extremely entertaining, they should focus on being extremely frightening or shocking.

August 15th
Unpopular Opinion:

I fucking HATE The Rocky Horror Picture Show and struggle with not redirecting my hatred toward the people who love it!!

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August 14th
Holy shit, don't encourage these sad fuckers! Their desperate cry for attention is already clogging up the hallways at every Con I go to.

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August 12th
I don't care about your interpretation of the sociological subtext of my favorite Horror films. Let me enjoy them as shallow entertainment. 

August 11th
!!Beware!!
There is a group of people out there who will tell you that Manborg is an incredible movie...these individuals are severly fucking retarded and should be avoided!!

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August 10th
Maybe it was a good thing that making movies used to be very expensive and not everyone could afford to do it!!

August 8th
-Continued from Aug 7th-
There is also a serious increase in the uber-geek odor factor when going from Horror to comic book conventions. I'm talking a wet bag of BO, Dorito breath and funky ass smell slow roasting in an oven for three days.

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August 7th
There is a serious increase in the uber-geek factor when going from Horror to comic book conventions. I'm talking, barely functioning, velcro sneaker wearing, mongoloid, mega-dorks.

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August 5th
I am completely tolerent of other people's opinions on Horror movies as long as they are exactly the same as mine.

August 4th
And the 12th Dr. Who is....

Sir Iy Doonet Fykinkaire

August 3rd
Face Off makes Circus de soleil look straight!!

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August 1st
Ouch!! I need to work on my Voodoo doll accuracy!!

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July 31st
Every fat, soccer-mom's dream ... a horny Harry Potter. 
Aja, what the fuck are you thinking?!?

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Horns (2013)

July 30th
HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA!!!
Sure! Let me go get my credit card!!
HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA!!!

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July 28th
The Walking Dead hacky acting class, Lesson One:
 When you're acting really serious, take one step toward the person you're talking to, cock your head to the side, squint your eyes, say your line, take one step back, repeat.

July 27th
"Go big or go extinct"
The gayest tagline ever goes to ... 
PACIFIC RIM!!

July 25th
A little cross-eye? No? Just me?

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Chloe Grace Moretz

July 24th
People who say that Troll 2 is the best/worst Horror movie ever made need to:
1. Stop blindly repeating what other people are saying.
-And-
2. Watch more fucking Horror movies and not just the ones you're told to watch.

July 21st
Horror movies starring Ron Jeremy make me sad!

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July 20th
Are you required to have a trach-hole and oxygen tank in order to sell VHS at a Flea Market? If not required, it certainly is encouraged!

July 17th
Isn't it funny how Avatar is now considered a cinematic joke after everyone was creaming in their pants when it first came out?
*cough...cough...Pacific Rim...cough*

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*click to enlarge*

July 14th
Why should I embrace CGI when it can't make a simple thing like blood look correct?

July 13th
Does anyone remember back when Full Moon made real Horror movies?

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*Click pic to enlarge*

July 10th
As someone who takes Horror very seriously, I'm not interested in a movie described as eye candy in every review. 
We've seen enough of that pointless bullshit, Del Toro, now give us something groundbreaking!! 

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July 7th
Crap-tastic film making tip:

Make sure you take easily identified objects from present day and use them as props in your futuristic, Sci-fi movie. No one will ever notice.
(Look for tomorrow's review of Stranded)

July 6th
Ever see an actor turn in a really shitty performance and then you watch the 'behind the scenes' special feature and hear them talking about some elaborate method they used to get into the character?
Maybe they are thinking too much!

July 4th
I would rather watch Godzilla doing the gayest of dances, in the floppiest of foam rubber suits than see one second of Pacific Rim's video game cutscene, CGI bullshit!!

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July 2nd
Everyone talks about Richard Matheson and Charles Beaumont (and rightly so, they are both Horror/Scifi gods) but what about Rod Serling as a writer? Out of the 156 episodes of Twilight Zone, he wrote 92, many of which are the most memorable of the series. On top of that he wrote 38 episodes of Night Gallery and many short stories. It just feels like he is getting the shaft as a writer instead the credit he deserves.

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June 30th
Still, nothing good has ever come from the deep south.....406 years and counting.

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*Rant Archives*