image


ONE SENTENCE HORROR MOVIE REVIEWS

*REVIEW ARCHIVES*

imageScarecrow
One sentence review:
When it comes to reviewing 'made for Syfy' movies there is a sliding scale, for example, even the best of the best is below average by normal movie standards so based on this rating system, Scarecrow is a great 'made for Syfy' film.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageRaze
One sentence review:
Congratulations to Josh C. Waller on accomplishing the impossible task of making a movie full of fight scenes and half naked women not only fucking boring but also not sexy.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageAntisocial
One sentence review:
See now, this is the type of film that should be remade, a solid original idea with great social commentary that fails to adequately translate into a movie due to poor execution. 
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageRitual
One sentence review:
Writer/Director Mickey Keating starts this film out right by building the tension to near Hitchcockian levels but eventually, the micro-budget and some poor choices (Rule #1: Never humanize the killers ... EVER!) blow out the candles on this ritual.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageThe Secret Of Crickley Hall
One sentence review:
Short on scares and long on gay endings does not a good ghost story make.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

image You're Next
One sentence review:
 I was expecting a brutal home invasion film but instead Wingard and Barrett give me an R-rated version of Home Alone (just substitute the swinging paint can with a swinging ax) which explains how the indie filmmakers suddenly got a major box office release.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageToad Road
One sentence review:
I blacked out during this movie and woke up three months later, face down in the dirt with a note scrawled into the mud beside me that simply read "Toad Road sucks."
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageParanormal Activity: The Marked Ones
One sentence review:

image

Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageHere Comes The Devil
One sentence review:
 Adrián García Bogliano gets major style points for his camera work and all the explicit hard-on inducing sex in this film but all the lesbian scissoring and parking lot finger-banging in the world can't make up for the serious pacing issues that plague this movie and without an explosive payoff at the end to make up for it, well, boners tend to shrivel and fade away. 
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageHorror Stories
One sentence review:
 This Anthology has a pretty unique wraparound story but doesn't have strong enough segments to support it and the quality of each part varies as follows:
1. Tense but what the fuck just happened?, 
2. Eh, been done before,  
3. Unfollowable action sequences.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageDeadly Descent
One sentence review:
The giant rampaging tribbles or "Abominable Snowmen" as they call them, aren't nearly as frightening as the terrible skiing montages, stupid script and horrible acting but the ridiculous CGI helicopter (that they unwisely show proudly and in great detail) might be good for a chuckle or two.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageMadison County
One sentence review:
When it comes to Slasher films, give me a really bad-ass killer, innovative kill scenes with great gore FX and don't over complicate the storyline or you run the risk of my brain-meat overheating and that makes my monster-thumb go down.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageMischief Night
One sentence review:
A watchable home invasion flick that amps up the tension by using a blind teenager as its main character but in the end, the lack realistic behavior (on all levels) in this film becomes so frustrating that you may yell out loud, as I did, "For fuck sake you idiot, stop leaving your daughter by herself with a killer on the loose, she's blind!!".
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageBlack Christmas (2006)
One sentence review:
If you ignore the fact that this is a remake of the legendary film that became the blueprint for all the Slasher movies that came after it including Halloween and just take it as its own original movie, it's still a terrible piece of shit so ridiculous that it feels more like a parody of a remake than an actual film. 
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageTo All A Good Night
One sentence review:
Kinda boring, bad acting, silly dialogue, barely any nudity, (and what little they show is all the wrong people) unimaginative kills with not much gore but still a cool little time capsule of C-grade early 80's slasher films for us hardcore Horror collectors.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageDon't Open Till Christmas
One sentence review:
Substituting a solid storyline with tons of innovative kills, cool gore FX and fake Euro-blood redder than the crotch on Santa's suit is more than fine with me but now I'm pissed I've spent so many X-mas' without watching this film.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageOpen Grave
One sentence review:
If you are looking for a really great original storyline that is extremely well executed and will keep you guessing for almost the entire movie, go seek out this film immediately.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageThe Banshee Chapter
One sentence review:
Number stations and secret government drug testing all tied together in a sinister plot from beyond, "That's a great idea." you say but then add in some plot holes, huge leaps in logic and a not so subtle mock Hunter S. Thompson character (although Ted Levine did a great job with it) and it quickly becomes a really bad idea.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageThe Twelve Disasters Of Christmas
One sentence review:
(Sung to the tune of 'The Twelve Days Of Christmas')
"After watching this movieee ... 
SyFy gave to meeee ... 
ttttwelve reasons to kill myselfff"
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageInsidious: Chapter 2
One sentence review:
Insidious was OK (definitely not worthy of a sequel) and part 2 is much less OK than part 1 and judging by the horrible setup for part 3, the series is on course to be exponentially less OK with each revisit.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageChilling Visions: 5 Senses Of Fear
One sentence review:
The downside of watching Anthology-Horror is that you usually have to sit through some clunkers to get to the good parts but that is not the case with this film because each intertwining segment is great in its own way and as a whole it unfolds like a long gory Tales From the Darkside episode if it were written by a methed-out George Romero.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageThe Children
One sentence review:
Try as I might, I can't watch every Horror movie (a fact I have trouble dealing with) and because of this, sometimes a really great one will slip through the net but how this incredible riff on Who Can Kill A Child? has not been on my must watch X-mas-Horror list for the last five years, I have no idea!
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageContracted
One sentence review:
Up and coming Director, Eric England rises to legendary status with this exquisitely disgusting, body-horror masterpiece that follows the descent of a viral infected young woman whose self denial (on many levels) causes her to make some fatal decisions all while hints of a much larger plot are kept teasingly in the background, this keeps the film simple and allows the viewer's imagination to run wild with sinister explanations as to the source of her fate.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageWe Are What We Are
One sentence review:
Very rarely is a remake better than the original but when the incredibly talented team of Jim Mickle and Nick Damici are at the helm you know it will be superior and this film is no exception so expect a tense slowly developing masterpiece with great acting and a climax that will blow your mind.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageBela Kiss: Prologue
One sentence review:
The real life story of Bela Kiss is filled with grisly murders, mystery and even hints of Vampirism but what makes it so intriguing is that he was never caught so if done right, it would make the basis for an awesome Horror movie and I hope that one day someone makes that film.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageDarkroom
One sentence review:
Nothing groundbreaking just a solid indie survival Horror film with maniacal characters, a good storyline and an amazing soundtrack that drives the insanity along. 
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageKiller Holiday
One sentence review:
I'm not saying it's impossible to make an awesome Horror movie starring an Ex-Power Ranger as your killer but let's just say the odds are seriously stacked against you and unfortunately, Marty Thomas didn't crack the code with this laughable attempt at a slasher film.
(GO, GO, PIECE OF SHHHIT!!)
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageEscape From Tomorrow
One sentence review:
There are two mysteries regarding this film: one, how were the filmmakers able to steal shots inside Disney, release the movie and not get the pants sued off them by an army of the happiest Lawyers on Earth and two, which is perhaps the biggest mystery of all, am I suppose to know what the fuck this flick means by the time the credits roll?
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageNightscape
One sentence review:
(This review is done in the boring introspective, southern style of the two main characters) 
When I was a lil' boy, I would steer up at the skah n' hope I'd never have ta see a movee this bad, lest ways, that's what I hoped but like my Grammie Hankins use ta say in the summa time, "Movees can get strange-borin' like a lazy Willa tree n' put ya in a bad-skin." so I done went ahead n' watched it jest so ya'll ain't evah gotta suffah thro it. 
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageThis Is The End
One sentence review:
A really funny, instant Horror-comedy classic with some hilarious ad-libbing by the whole cast but the standout for me was the brief appearance of Michael Cera who steals the film as a coked-out Hollywood party-guy and on top of that, I got a sick satisfaction from watching some of the celebrities (who play themselves) die in unspeakable ways.
(cough, cough ... Rihanna! ...cough)
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageWorld's End
One sentence review:
Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright have been desperately trying to recapture the lightning that was Shaun Of The Dead and judging by this film (and everything else post-SOTD), they should have just laid down their pens and spent the rest of their lives living off its glory because this movie is just a mess of unlikable characters, unbelievable fight scenes that look like they were choreographed by Jackie Chan and a poorly constructed plot that will make you want to head back to the Winchester for a pint to wash the bad taste from your mouth.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageChastity Bites
One sentence review:
If you like ridiculous 'cool girl' dialogue thrown at you rapid fire with all the subtlety of a Disney sitcom and the believability of a Tarantino scripted women's scene then you will love this film and it's ability to make a straight guy rethink his sexual orientation and cause even the most staunch feminist to hate her own pussy.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageStalled
One sentence review:
This film has one of the best taglines ever (He's in the perfect place to be scared shitless), a pretty original storyline and some really great Zombie designs but other than that it, suffers from the all to common identity crisis of not knowing if it's a comedy or a serious movie and it awkwardly flip flops back and forth between the two so because of that, it's not funny or serious enough to be a very good film.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageHellbenders
One sentence review:
This film promotes violence, drinking, drug use, smoking, adultery, sodomy and many other sinful delights so it will pretty much find a way to offend anyone who watches it on some level no matter how thick their skin and because of that, I think it's absolutely fantastic.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageForgetting The Girl
One sentence review:
I love that you could tell someone this film is a quirky, indie drama about a likable loser who just can't seem to find the right woman and for 90% of it they wouldn't suspect a thing but obviously, since you are reading the review here, it's no spoiler to say that the reality of the main character's situation is a lot more insane than what you are lead to believe and this masterfully drawn out deception only makes the final reveal that much more shocking.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageThe Taking
One sentence review:
I took pity on my wife and turned this film off after 30 minutes (narrowly avoiding a possible divorce) but sadly I was only delaying my own horrible fate because eventually, I would need to revisit the movie and the brain aneurysm causing task of trying to form a coherent storyline from its incoherent images and random nonsense which may be nothing more than a platform for the Director to explore his apparent tree bark fetish with never ending close up shots of it.
** There is no real proof that anyone associated with this film has a "tree bark fetish" **
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageArt Of Darkness
One sentence review:
A solid serial killer film from first time Writer/Director Steve Laurence that doesn't follow the standard Hollywood blueprint so it will keep you guessing as the plot twists and turns, the tension rises and the blood flows from the victims to brush to canvas.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageThe Conspiracy
One sentence review:
Nothing gets me chubbing more than a good ol' conspiracy theory so this mockumentary was right up my alley and quite frankly, I was totally digging this flick on every level but nothing kills my X-files-size rager faster than a completely unbelievable ending and without being a total spoiler let's just say, there's no fucking way!
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageThe Last Days On Mars
One sentence review:
A perfectly good Planet of the Vampires homage (cough, cough ... ripoff!!) wasted by MTV-edited action scenes that even the most ADD inflicted teenager couldn't follow (maybe one of the 'infected' astronauts edited it) and that just left me confused, frustrated and sad because all of the pieces were in place to make a really good Sci-fi/Horror film but instead... well, it's this.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageAll Hallows Eve
One sentence review:
This anthology is a V/H/S ripoff that wastes a really great, creepy clown design by surrounding it with completely sub par segments that range from nonsensical to just plain bad and that includes the annoying wraparound story that repeatedly interrupts each of the three parts but mostly it's a ridiculous, poppin n' lockin mime-alien in a leotard/scuba suit that kills the whole thing.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageBig Ass Spider
One sentence review:
Let's make it clear, this is not Sharknado, Ice Spiders or Rodger Corman presents: Mega-CGI vs Dino-CGI and it doesn't star Tiffany, Eric Roberts or Tara Reid, it's a real film with a very talented cast, a hilarious script, good Direction and a lot of heart so if you don't focus too much on the Commodore 64 generated spider FX you'll have some Big Ass Fun watching it.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageSolo
One sentence review:
Congratulations to Writer/Director Isaac Cravit on an amazing first feature film that explores coping with inner demons, isolation and ultimately, the human will to survive with the use of stunning, Kubrick-esque, nature shots and focusing on the vulnerability of being trapped alone in the woods with nothing but your nightmares to keep you company and your only sanctuary is a flimsy tent to protect you from whoever lurks in the night (or day) waiting to cut your life short.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageBirth Of The Living Dead
One sentence review:
I can't imagine anyone thinking that they could shed new light on the story behind Night of the Living Dead and the massive impact it had on the world but I guess Rob Kuhns thought that if he leaned heavy on how the social issues of the time shaped the movie that his documentary would be completely different than all the others but instead it's just a lot more boring.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageHaunter
One sentence review:
Think, The Amityville Horror meets The Others meets Stir Of Echoes meets Groundhogs Day meets... shit, that's a lot of references but it is also an example of the problem with this film, it has too many ideas jammed into the script and as a result spends most of its runtime boring us with repetition as the intricate story is slowly revealed so by the time dots are finally connected, its cleverness is not enough to save the movie.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageOutpost 3
One sentence review:
The Horror sequel laws of diminishing returns has unfortunately struck down this series after a pretty stellar beginning and I suppose all of the typical warning signs were there (Like, the Producer of the first two movies, Kieran Parker, suddenly becomes the Director and I strongly suspect that he was the weaselly guy in the background during the original productions saying, "I think we need more muscle-bound Nazis, rubber masks and pointless action scenes" while everyone ignored him) but I remained hopeful that this prequel would be as good as part 1 or at least on par with part 2 and I'm very sad to report, it fucking isn't.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageButcher Boys
One sentence review:
 The fact that IMDB has this film categorized as Action/Comedy/Horror doesn't even begin to sum up what a fucked up mess it is but when I saw that the script was supposedly based on a Johnathan Swift novel (A Modest Proposal, I guess?) and written by Kim Henkel, who subtly (yeah, subtle like a flaming bag of shit!) wedged every Texas Chainsaw Massacre reference into it that he possibly could, I knew why the end result is a nonsensical, soup-sandwich that not even an inbred, Texas cannibal could find palatable.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageCassadaga
One sentence review:
Don't get me wrong this is an extremely watchable film with a pretty disturbing serial killer concept but ultimately, it's just a rehashing of a zillion movies before it and on top of that there are significant plot holes that will leave you confused and one of the gayest made-for-Lifetime endings of recent memory so it's OK but not good.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageThe Conjuring
One sentence review:
James Wan has become a master at scaring the shit out of his audience and this movie is by far his greatest achievement in fright as he mercilessly grabs you by the short hairs for the entire 112 minutes and never lets go until it's almost unbearable and we're not talking massive overblown FX scenes here, he is able to take nothing but a dark, bedroom corner and make you feel like the Devil himself is gonna jump out of the screen and gut your whole family.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageDevoured
One sentence review:
I was on the fence about this film because of its extremely slow pace but something about it intrigued me so after a second viewing, I was able to recognize the strong Asian Horror influence that drives the slow building of tension and appreciate how the main character's (an amazing performance by Marta Milans) boring, daily grind and struggles are meant to keep us off guard so we don't see the true mad, reality of her situation.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imagePacific Rim
One sentence review:
Picture Michael Bay's version of a Kaiju reboot and you will have a pretty good idea of how terrible this film is but even that will not prepare you for the 2 hours & 11 minutes of action scenes scotch taped together with a boring, mess of a script or the non-stop CGI-fisting that you will have to endure so if there is a Hell, Guillermo del Toro will be reincarnated as a fat, greasy, hemorrhoid on Godzilla's giant, asshole as punishment for his crimes against the Kaiju genre and his total failure at representing us, the Horror community.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageNothing Left To Fear
One sentence review:
Other than a somewhat 'out of it' performance from Anne Heche (naturally) and an uninspired monster design, this is a pretty cool little Demon-Cult film that has great scares, a good story line and an 80's Horror feel but even better, it isn't afraid to alienate the PG-13 crowd by taking some risks and going outside the standard Hollywood blueprint.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageDark Touch
One sentence review:
This film could almost pass as a Carrie prequel complete with some awesome bloody, telekinetic kick-ass scenes but it suffers from some serious pacing issues in the dead zone between the opening sequences and the final climax so we end up seeing the child staring off blankly, screeching and acting-a-brat for far too long to sympathize with her pain or support her ultimate revenge on the people who have harmed her.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

image100 Bloody Acres
One sentence review:
When making a dark comedy, it's important that there is at least one likable character because when you are given a cast containing: a slut, an anal retentive whiner, a backstabbing best friend (who is banging the aforementioned 'slut' behind the aforementioned 'anal retentive whiner's' back) and two corpse-grinding brothers there really isn't much to laugh about.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageFright Night 2
One sentence review:
Wow, it seems as though some Hollywood producers screwed up and accidentally gave two very talented people (Director: Eduardo Rodriguez and Writer: Matt Venne) free reign to create their own interpretation of what the 2011 Fright Night remake should have been and man, they killed-it with this artistic, blood-soaked thrill ride that is dark, seductive and doesn't assume that all Horror fans are horny, eighteen year old girls with ADHD.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageThe Facility
One sentence review:
I like the idea of a clinical drug trial going insanely wrong but nothing kills a film faster for me than bad editing (Wait, how did she get in that room?) and terrible camera work during action scenes (Uh, I think someone threw the guard through the glass but it was all a blur) so I was pumped for some narcotic fueled craziness but by the end I just wanted to take some Pro9 and go to bed.
(Warning: side effects of this movie include: confusion and indifference)
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageThe Purge
One sentence review:
Take Battle Royale and Funny Games, mix them together, strain them through a bland Hollywood filter, add an A-list actor, under think, over hype and serve in a steaming, tightly coiled pile.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageApartment 1303
One sentence review:
J-Horror fans, like myself, know that anytime a Japanese film is targeted for an American remake, we can expect the results to be simplified, sanitized and soulless and this movie is a textbook example of all that with a script that includes the line "Apartments don't kill people, people kill people" repeated numerous times and a hacky performance from the Edward Furlong of actresses, Mischa Barton.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageCurse of Chucky
One sentence review:
My expectations were set so low after the last two sequels that anything even remotely watchable would have been a surprise but praise the crap-gods, this film is really good and I was totally shocked by Don Mancini's decision to mostly play it straight this time and prove to his fans that he can scare the shit out of us if he really wants to but sadly, he does briefly slip back to his old ways at the very end of the movie however not enough to ruin this flick entirely.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageSee No Evil
One sentence review:
Even though I go into every WWE produced Horror movie with full intention of hating it based solely on the fact that professional wrestling is fucking lame, I have to admit that this is a decent little slasher with some cool kills and even the presence of Kane, as the killer, didn't make me too nauseous.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageScenic Route
One sentence review:
Everyone has had a friend that you're sure has been hypnotized by his girlfriend's vagina and become a completely different person and we've all wanted to stage an intervention to snap him out of it but this film shows what can happen if the confrontation is poorly staged by a fat, slacker and everything goes horribly, horribly wrong.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageThale
One sentence review:
This film is extremely well made and does capture your interest but the slow pace, short run time (76 mins) and lack of a real explanation/ending leaves you feeling like the script was rushed to conclusion before really tying up all the loose ends.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageHell Baby
One sentence review:
Unlike the rash of stupid, over the top, Horror comedies (The Scary Movie franchise ... all 150 of them) being cranked-out these days, this film was made knowing that less is more, subtle is better and the story is everything, although it's far from perfect, overall it's fun, freaky and funny.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageAdjust Your Tracking:
The Untold Story of the VHS Collector

One sentence review:
As an avid, gluttonous VHS collector I can really relate to this film but sadly it also means that I'm very familar with Earl Kess, his Facebook group 'Horror VHS Collectors Unite!', the human brown-eyes that frequent it and how they treat new collectors that are not part of their little, High school VHS clique so awesome concept but pick your sources more carefully when making a fanboy documentary.
Would I buy it?
image       NO

imagePenumbra
One sentence review:
This is a cautionary tale of what evils can befall a slutty, greedy, lying, backstabbing bitch but more than that, it is a masterful piece of film work that uses atmosphere and building tension to set a dreadful tone that then explodes in one crazy, twisted ending. 
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageDetention of the Dead
One sentence review:
The idea of merging 80's John Hughes teen movies with the Zombie apocalypse sounds amazing but unfortunately, first time Writer/Director Alex Craig Mann's approach is a little too heavy handed so the film ends up being one big Hughes stereotype and never becomes it's own movie.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

image Evidence
One sentence review:
Olatunde Osunsanmi adds to his filmography of movies that make you say "Eh" with this very forgettable and highly unbelievable found footage slasher that does have some cool kills and ideas but ultimately the completely ridiculous twist ending overrides anything good that you saw previously.
Would I buy it?
image       NO

imageDevil's Pass
One sentence review:
The Dyatlov Pass Incident has always fascinated me, it's one of those rare unexplained moments in history that feels like it could have been caused by something actually paranormal or the result of some sinister government experimentation so with that being said, I was excited to see this film but unfortunately my excitement didn't last long because although the script had some interesting ideas on expanding the story, the CGI was terrible, right down to last pixel on the monster's cartoon heads.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageWither
One sentence review:
Stockholm Syndrome Film nails it again with a loving tribute to Evil Dead that's gory, raw and dripping with mud, blood and ooze but the movie also has some very touching moments and genuine characters that balance it out so it's too bad Sam Rami didn't hire these guys to do his remake, he could have saved himself approximately $16,954,692.50 and it would have been good.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageEmpty Rooms
One sentence review:
These Empty Rooms are filled with the cringe inducing sights and sounds of naked, flapping ghost-cock&balls but as horrifying as that may be, showing spirits as physical people walking around (ding-dong or not) is rarely ever frightening and to make it worse the storyline takes WAY too long to get to a completely unsatisfying explanation of the aforementioned penis-ghost's beef (ha!) with the living.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageThe Seasoning House
One sentence review:
This film is very well made however it's just kinda unbelievable on all fronts starting with a forty pound deaf girl delivering a two hundred pound bag of kick-ass to some pretty bad dudes but even more far fetched is that anyone would pay to bang the disgusting, half-dead, shit encrusted prostitutes in this movie, I mean, I like my hookers to be scrubbed pink, wearing a freshly powdered diaper with a car battery hooked to their eyelids just like the rest of you guys.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageSaturday Morning Mystery
One sentence review:
A real life Scooby Doo investigation complete with a drug using Shaggy and Hentai style sex scenes sounds like it would be pretty interesting or maybe hilarious but it's neither, instead this film is just kinda boring and not cleaver enough to be even remotely memorable so save your money and buy Scooby Doo: A XXX Parody instead.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageMy Amityville Horror
One sentence review:
Reality, my fiends, that's what keeps me up at night and this documentary about the real life Danny Lutz is a prime example of how scary it can get inside a damaged brain and the shit going on in this freaky fucker's head is way more frightening than a thousand possessed, axe-wielding James Brolins could ever be.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageByzantium
One sentence review:
Expect mostly drama, romance and long flowery narratives with scattered blood showers, decapitations and 100% chance of boredom with a longing for more action, gore and a quick ending.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageEvidence
One sentence review:
Three quarters of this film involves chicks running & screaming into buildings and then screaming & running out of them again while things (Bigfoot, possibly? ... Aliens, maybe? ... Mental Patients, perhaps? ... I'm still unsure) jump out at them, making it feel more like the walkthrough of a bad Halloween Haunt than an actual Horror movie.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageAbsence
One sentence review:
 A very cool storyline that the filmmakers display little pieces at a time, letting the tension slowly mount but regrettably, the entire movie looks like it was filmed by a meth-ed up spider monkey with a camera strapped to his back so all their good ideas go swirling down the toilet along with the popcorn I puked up from the motion sickness.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageThe Demented
One sentence review:
This is an example of what elements are required to create a completely forgettable, generic Zombie (I know, they're "Infected" ... whatever) film including: cardboard cutout Ken & Barbie characters, bad Zombie actors wearing Party City costumes, many ridiculously conceived escape plans and an ending that makes you say out loud, "Eh".
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageFrankenstein's Army
One sentence review:
Just when you've lost all faith in the Horror industry's ability to create something original, someone like Richard Raaphorst will come along and restore hope with a masterful feature debut, so sleep well my fiends, the future of the genre that we love is bright.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageCockneys vs. Zombies
One sentence review:
A really funny movie with some great gore FX (minus the CGI blood...of course!) but the real standout here is the amazing performance of Alan Ford who steals the show and makes this film a must see for Horror comedy fans.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageDead Souls
One sentence review:
This film starts out as a decent little ghost story with some good scares but unfortunately the script gets extremely far fetched by the end, to the point where I started rolling my eyes and no longer cared who lives, who dies and who is stuck in limbo.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageA Resurrection
One sentence review:
Not bad but man, does the storyline ever get convoluted by the end so keep your remote handy to rewind because there will be a lot of confusion and sentences like "Wait, who was that guy?", "So, was he killing people?", "Was her son, the brother?" being thrown around afterwards and unfortunately, re-watching the film doesn't help much.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageSharknado
One sentence review:
I guess this film was intentionally made as a goof (which usually doesn't work) with the most ridiculous cast, CGI, storyline, editing, dialogue, and ending they could possibly conceive but it's not clever or funny enough to be a classic schlock film so the title ends up being the best part.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageWould You Rather
One sentence review:
There is no such thing as a bad Jeffrey Combs performance, only bad productions that surround his greatness but luckily, in this case, the rest of the film measures up to JC and provides a tense, cringe inducing ride that is topped off with an awesome ending that you won't see coming.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageJug Face
One sentence review:
Other than Sean Young's sad attempt at a Southern accent, this movie has everything that you would want in an inbred-hillbilly, demon-cult film including the man himself, Larry Fessenden so tip back some 'shine', get your sister naked and get ready for the PIT!
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageBeneath
One sentence review:
If you judge this film based on the quality of Larry Fessenden's previous work, it is a total fucking failure but if you can somehow get past that and view it as just another made for TV creature feature, it's an excellent study on how fast humanity will turn on each other when survival is at stake and overall a pretty damn entertaining movie.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageResolution
One sentence review:
This film is funny, real and has kind of a cool, original storyline and is definitely worth a watch but overall the plot holes and lack of a solid ending hurt the movie and its replay value.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageAtlantic Rim
One sentence review:
This movie is a total shit-sandwich but at least it knows it is and doesn't try to portray itself as the messiah of Kaiju filmmaking and in all seriousness, I think the CGI has a grainy realism that beats out it's cartoony, big budget brother, Pacific Rim.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageNo One Lives
One sentence review:
 Ryûhei Kitamura and David Cohen teach us that there are good people, bad people and then there's the 'Driver' who is ... well, it's unclear but he is not to be fucked with as the buckets of blood used in this film would indicate.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageEvil Dead
One sentence review:
I think Horror fans have become so bombarded with terrible Hollywood remakes that any time one comes around that isn't a complete dumpster-fire, they piss their pants and then run around telling everyone how awesome it is and such is the case for this redundant, completely underwhelmingly average, (at best) "re-imagining" .
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageA field in England
One sentence review:
Yeah, yeah, I get it, the field represents his soul or the treasure does or some other damn thing but being a fan of Ben Wheatley's earlier work didn't prepare me to watch an existentialist student film about how the purity of human spirit can sometimes transcend the .... ugh, who gives a fucking shit!!
Would I buy it?
image      NO 

imageUnder the Bed
One sentence review:
This movie is like standing in a long, boring line for an hour and twelve minutes to ride a lame, incredibly short amusement park ride that's totally not worth the time you invested and all you can think about afterwards are all the cool rides you missed out on while you were waiting.
Would I buy it?
image      NO 

imageEuropa Report
One sentence review:
If you like intelligent, slow burning Sci-Fi similar to 2001: A Space Odyssey and can also appreciate the terrifying realness of found-footage Horror then strap in and brace for the G's because this film has brilliantly merge the two into a unique space exploration thriller.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageStranded
One sentence review:
It's hard to champion a Christian Slater comeback when he stars in movies like this, however the poor fucker does his best to act his way through the terrible script and low budget production but sadly, even the mighty C.S. cannot overcome the fact that he spends a fair share of the film talking into and viewing video from a modern day, dollar store, book light and if you don't believe me click the pic below!! 

image

Would I buy it?
image      NO 

imageBlack Rock
One sentence review:
A barely watchable survival Horror film devastated by a combination of bad 'cool-girl' dialogue and the director's inability to rope in some terrible overacting (I guess because she is one of the main offenders) that leads to multiple scenes with the actors just repeating themselves over and over and over and over again.
Would I buy it?
image      NO 

imageDetour
One sentence review:
This film is definitely a riff on 2010's Buried minus the A-list actor and billion dollar budget but William Dickerson didn't need either because when you have an amazing script, talent, imagination and the incredible acting chops of Neil Hopkins, the end result will be nothing less than one of the most compelling movies of 2013.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

Double Feature Review
imageErrors of the Human Body
-AND-
imageGut
One sentence review:
This special double feature review is more of a challenge to you readers, so here it is; I defy you to watch either of these movies without your brain kicking into survival mode and screaming out, "Just end, for the love of fucking christ, just END!!" and then checking itself into to your 'happy place' deep in the recesses of your mind.
Would I buy them?
image      NO 

imageHome Sweet Home
One sentence review:
From the slow burning tension of the beginning to the twisted ending, this is the perfect home invasion film so turn off the lights, load up your DVD player and don't bother locking your doors, it won't help!!
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageAftershock
One sentence review:
Bagging on Eli Roth seems to be trendy right now which explains all the negative pie-hole-secretions I've heard about this movie and shockingly, they are a based on absolutely nothing because while this film has some issues getting going, (please, no more lame nightclub dancing, I beg of you!) when it starts rolling it's gory, tense, unpredictable and serves as a great reminder that humanity is the natural disaster that you should fear most.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageThe Battery
One sentence review:
This movie feels like Jeremy Gardner wrote it at a coffee house on an old school ribbon typewriter while listening to bluegrass-alt-rock with some big-ass, 70's style headphones, which is fine, I'm all for an Art house take on the Zombie genre but originality in film only counts if the characters are likable and it's not incredibly fucking boring.
Would I buy it?
image      NO 

imageThe Last Exorcism Part 2
One sentence review:
"Hey, let's take everything that made the first movie interesting, tear it up and take a giant shit on it." said the filmmakers and then they proceeded to create this abortion filled with stale sequel cliches, insanely boring characters and dialogue, all wrapped around the most ridiculous story line ever conceived (that took 4 people to write) and topped it off with an asinine ending that will make you hate big budget sequels and the people who create them.
Would I buy it?
image      NO 

imageV/H/S 2
One sentence review:
This film was totally on it's way to being better than the original but takes a huge kick in the balls from, and I hate to say it because I'm a fan, Eduardo Sánchez' ridiculously conceived and poorly executed entry which acts like a penny on the railroad tracks and derails what would have been the best sequel since Rec 2.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageHatchet 3
One sentence review:
This is definitely a Hatchet movie so if you dig the first two or enjoy watching washed-up genre actors chewing up scenery, blood geysers and cheesy 80's Slasher sequels then this one will be right up your alley. 
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageDark Skies
One sentence review:
Other than the Hollywood sequel-setup ending that's so popular these days, Scott Stewart shockingly, in light of his previous work, let's the story slowly build and the characters develop while flashing terrifying glimpses of the horror that will invade and ultimately destroy their lives.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageCrawl
One sentence review:
First time filmmaker Paul China, expertly weaves a tale of a Croatian hit man, a innocent young woman and a sleazeball, bar owner and you're compelled to watch as their lives overlap, intertwine and go to shit as blood flows heavy.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageNailbiter
One sentence review:
This film is watchable but plagued by unlikable characters, an A-Team-style getaway plan complete with montage, an inappropriately plinky soundtrack during tense moments and a laughable sequel-setup ending with the implication that there will be a whole lot of commando-style, ass kicking coming to the bad guys in the next one.
Would I buy it?
image      NO 

imageDark Circles
One sentence review:
The paranormal storyline of this film isn't nearly as scary as the thought of a screaming brat wailing at all hours of the night demanding your attention and Paul Soter does a fantastic job of placing the viewer directly into chaos of the young couple and their cranky, newborn so when it all comes to a head, we are just as stunned and blindsided as they are.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageDear God No!
One sentence review:
Other than an incredible poster design by Tom Hodges, this film is your typical Troma-style-crap-fest complete with bad acting, over the top gross out humor and ridiculous storyline so really, the only thing missing is that annoying, shill, Lloyd Kaufman's name in the credits.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageDeep in the Woods
One sentence review:
With the worst cover art since I Know What You Did Last Summer, I made the mistake of pre-judging the type of movie this is and not only was I dead wrong, I'm completely blown away because underneath it's ultra-shitty exterior lies an incredibly weird, perfectly shot, French, Giallo-style, lost gem of a film.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageEntity
One sentence review:
Sometimes a movie is so painfully mediocre that creating an opinion positive or negative is incredibly difficult and such is the case for this film, it's really neither good nor bad so based on Fango's decision to use the above ridiculous cover art for the DVD, I will give it a big fat veto as a message that every little detail counts!!
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageKiss of the Damned
One sentence review:
This film is a classy, period piece, no it's set in modern day, by period piece I mean written/directed by a woman for women but it is extremely well made with beautiful cinematography and a little bit of gore and boobies so you could do worse if you are forced to pick a romantic Vampire movie.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageBeyond the Black Rainbow
One sentence review:
If I was eighteen again and hopped-up on many illegal substances and hanging out at my friend's house watching movies before his parents got home from work, this film would go in the DVD player right after Pink Floyd The Wall but alas I am not and random psychedelic images strung together without any real storyline to make them interesting now makes me hit the eject button harder than I used to hit the bong.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageLords of Salem
One sentence review:
I didn't love this movie (and I really wanted to) because it's kinda boring and derivative without finding it's own voice or pushing the limits but I'm a sucker for 70's Euro Devil cult films and Rob Zombie was able to make Witches frightening again, which is no small accomplishment, so I'll say this movie is "OK" but I expected more.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageMadness
One sentence review:
This is the first feature film from the new Swedish masters of Horror, the twisted trio of Sonny LagunaDavid Liljeblad and Tommy Wiklund and while it definitely shows, (European license plates and Swedish accents are a pretty dead give away that we're not in Minnesota) you have to admire their enthusiasm and love for the genre that shines through and rises above all of the rookie mistakes.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageAltitude
One sentence review:
Defying the laws of physics, logic, and pissing all over the established limitations of the human body, this film introduces us to a new extreme sport, plane climbing at 25,000 feet during a thunderstorm but other than that innovation, the rest of this movie is ridiculously absurd and pointless.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageDead Mine
One sentence review:
From the demented mind of Steven Sheil who brought us Mum and Dad, comes an action-Horror film that is part Outpost and part The Descent and while it doesn't challenge or take the risks of his previous work, it's not a bad bit of entertainment if you turn off your brain and just go along for the ride.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageRogue River
One sentence review:
Bill Mosley and Lucinda Jenney set the creepy meter to ten with their understated but crazy-eyed performances and that supersedes the lack of protagonist character development and unrealistic leaps in logical thinking that plague this film.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageManiac
One sentence review:
Since watching Elijah Wood's doe-eyed look of anguish for the 18 hours that was The Return of the Kings, I have really wished nothing but bad things for him and it took the combined team of Franck Khalfoun and Alexandre Aja for me to give him another chance and I'm glad I did because even though this film is missing the gritty, New York-grime of the original, it stands on it's own as a twisted, little journey through the mind of a deranged, serial killer.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageTexas Chainsaw 3D
One sentence review:
I can't even begin to fit all the ways that this movie sucks into one sentence so I will only say this, to describe this film as a big, fat, greasy, shit sandwich with diarrhea mayo and a used tampon on top would be an extreme compliment.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageMama
One sentence review:
Man, this movie is fucking frightening with perfectly done CGI FX that stay mostly in the shadows or are concealed with quick flashes, that is, until the very end when the film makers push and grind that cartoony, CGI, bullshit in your face like a rotten tomato but it still isn't enough to wreck the movie as a whole.
(Try as they might) 
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageThe Frankenstein Theory
One sentence review:
It would take some extreme talent to produce a found footage movie based on the premise that Frankenstein is a work of non-fiction not completely ridiculous but Andrew Weiner totally succeeds with a frosty film that is interesting, frightening and funny.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageSolomon Kane
One sentence review:
Although, this film is technically more Action/Fantasy, it does have a wicked little storyline filled with Demons and black magic so it's not completely without Horror elements and it's dark enough that I was able to ignore the $40,000,000 production and enjoy it without comparing it to all the retard-friendly, big budget, action movies that I hate. 
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageDimples
One sentence review:
This film has some creepy-awesome make-up FX, the kind that get the old adrenaline pumping so wisely, the Director, Dusty DePree decided to show them sparingly and instead focuses the 88 minutes on an RV full of the most annoying, screeching, deplorable young adults I have ever witnessed in a movie.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageBlood Runs Cold
One sentence review:
This Swedish film was made for a measly $5000 but has all the elements that make an amazing Slasher (plus some) and it  makes you wonder why most Directors can't do the same thing even with millions of dollars at their fingertips.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageDead Hooker in a Trunk
One sentence review:
After watching American Mary (see review below), I was expecting a lot more from the Soska Twin's first feature film but unfortunately, it spends way too much time trying to be hip and cool (a' la Tarantino) instead of focusing on being realistic and making fucking sense.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageCurandero
One sentence review:
Even though the original script was written by Robert Rodriguez (and thank fuck he didn't try to direct it!), it was adapted and Directed by Eduardo Rodriguez resulting in a great little Devil cult flick that is as gory and raw as it is beautiful.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageWilderness
One sentence review:
When you mix sociopathic teenagers, a forest camping trip and a mysterious source attempting to slaughter them all, you have Michael J. Bassett's little beauty of a film that's a little bit slasher and a whole lotta Lord of the Flies.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageThe Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia
One sentence review:
This is a shockingly good sequel from first time Director Tom Elkins with some jarring scares that will make the short hairs rise and your asshole involuntarily clench but overall this is no cutting edge story or film work here and it's just another rehashing of the same old Hollywood BS ghost story blueprint complete with lame 'and they lived happily ever after' ending so not quite worth purchasing.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageShadow People
One sentence review:
This movie is like cable porn, it's missing all the money shots and I really can't understand how the film makers could setup so many great scare scenes and then have them fall flat time after time leaving me feeling completely unfulfilled but above and beyond all that, I get really sick of looking up supposedly "True Stories" online only to find out I've been duped once again so, for me, this movie cries wolf and fails.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageCome Out and Play
One sentence review:
I won't focus on the obvious Who Can Kill a Child? comparison because this is a really solid indie film in it's own right that uses a small, desolate Mexican village as an amazing backdrop to explore what it would take for the average parent to blow a child's cute, chubby-cheeked head off in order to survive.
(just set one next to me in a restaurant)
Would I buy it?
image      YES

image13 Eerie
One sentence review:
The highlight of this movie is definitely the SFX and interesting kills but then you add in some lame musclebound zombies (Muscle Wolf Productions?), terrible acting moments (getting your fingers bitten off would probably make you scream like .... you just got your fingers bitten off!) and a groaner of an ending that further confirms that what you just watched is a total piece of shit!!
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageNightmare – painajainen merellä
One sentence review:
With no gore (I mean absolutely none), this film is nothing but a straight 'made for TV' murder mystery that is only missing Angela Landsbury's old ass running around looking for clues and on top of that it isn't even a good mystery which leaves me, as a Horror fan, wondering, why the fuck did I just watch this movie? 
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageDark Feed
One sentence review:
Take away the goofy scenes (a drag queen nurse?!?) that remove you from the tension and you're left with a movie that's beautifully shot, dripping with atmosphere, insanity, despair and leaves you wanting to see more films from the Rasmussen brothers.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageDracula 3D
One sentence review:
Sure, this film has CGI FX that make Full Moon's 90's productions look high tech and some mind bending FU's to the traditional Vampire mythos but Man, I'm still a sucker (ha!) for Gothic Horror, Dracula, Euro-boobies and Argento so I'm conveniently looking the other way on it's crap factors and adding this to my collection.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageThe Tall Man
One sentence review:
This is what happens when you mindlessly add new movies to your Netflix queue, you end up watching a film that promotes itself as supernatural Horror but is, in reality, more like a made for Lifetime, god awful, POS that makes you want to punch your DVD player square in it's USB hole!!
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageThe Wicked
One sentence review:
I throw around the term 'made-for-SyFy' a lot but this film is the made-for-SyFy-iest movie I've ever seen that wasn't actually made-for-SyFy with it's horrible acting, bad script and a Witch design that looks like a cross between a Jawa and the Wishmaster.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageIn their Skin
One sentence review:
Although it suffers from some "just fucking kill them" moments, overall this is a suspenseful and disturbing film that will make you think twice about who you invite into your home for dinner.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageComedown
One sentence review:
-Spoiler Alert-

I really couldn't get past the fact that the slasher killer was just a UK version of Mike Tyson (ex-boxer with pigeons for pets) and the massacre of his prize pets was the thing that sent him over the edge and running for his most deadly power tools with a need to dismember teenagers!!
(No, I'm not joking)
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageAntiviral
One sentence review:
This movie is shot very well and has a really cool, original premise that hooks you in straight away but fuck me is it boring so if your idea of entertainment is watching Caleb Landry Jones stumble around acting sick while nothing fucking happens, enjoy!!
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageHouse at the End of the Street
One sentence review:
If you could watch only the last quarter of this movie and burn the first 3/4 (and not just because of Jennifer Lawrence's butter face) while also making the final plot twist rated not PG-13 you would have a pretty awesome Horror movie.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageCitadel
One sentence review:
Another good entry from the Emerald Isle (see the Grabbers review below) that is bleak, heartbreaking, tense and frightening with the only drawback being a pretty far fetched final explanation.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageThe Frozen
One sentence review:
This movie draws you in with some great atmosphere that's dripping with tension and then slaps you back to reality with a bullshit, cliche ending you've seen time and time again. 
(Seriously, would a somewhat original idea fucking kill you people?!?) 
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageCrawlspace
One sentence review:
I guess, in order to like this movie you actually have to give a shit about the main character and his traumatic past, with that being said, I surely did not and I also had the plot twist figured out within the first five minutes of the movie then I spent the rest of the 1 hour 21 minutes and 59 seconds waiting for it to end.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageAmerican Mary 
One sentence review:
While Katharine Isabelle's acting can, at times, be a little too sitcom(y) for me, the Soska twins at Twisted Twins Productions put together a fucked little tale that is not easily categorized or forgotten and will leave you wanting a hot shower to wash off the filth of descending to the seediest bottom of society.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageGirls Against Boys
One sentence review:
This film is very well made with some beautiful bloody scenes but because it mainly pilfers from the archive of previously made movies in this genre (revenge/psycho friend) it is extremely predictable and just falls flat by the end.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageParanormal Activity 4
One sentence review:
With two extremely solid sequels, I have been cautiously waiting for this series to 'take a shit' knowing it was only a matter of time before they rushed out a hacky film filled with jump cuts and cat scares just to fill their quota and here it is!!
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageMexican Werewolf in Texas 2005 
One sentence review:
Shockingly, not as bad as the title/movie poster would indicate and it is watchable but ultimately, the film falls victim to the usual indie horror trappings, bad acting, bad FX and disjointed storyline.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageThe ABC's of Death  2012
One sentence review:
While there were a few good entries, most of them were a combination of overly disgusting, retardedly ridiculous and generally pointless so A+ on the original concept and a big fat D on the execution.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageHollow  2011
One sentence review:
Someone (Matthew Holt) had the idea that if you run The Blair Witch Project parts 1 and 2 through a meat grinder together the end result would be something so sweet and delicious that even Jimmy Dean's rotting sausage would become all plump and drippy with excitement but unfortunately the reality of that merger is far more mediocre and forgettable.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageSinister  2012
One sentence review:
3/4 of this movie is actually pretty good, dark with lots of creepy moments however the rest falls apart quickly starting with amateurish makeup FX (was there oatmeal involved?) and finishing with a cookie-cutter, gift wrapped ending for the intellectually impaired. 
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageSleep Tight  2011
One sentence review:
Although this film is extremely well made and creepy, there is really nothing groundbreaking to set it apart from it's predecessors (CrawlspaceThe Resident etc) and the movie's slow pacing really hurts it's re-play value.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageThe Collection  2012
One sentence review:
 I've been a fan of Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan ever since Project Greenlight, with that being said, it's usually much higher up in the number of sequels before writers have to resort to the 'crack team of mercenaries' cliche that makes this movie so lame and feel like an opportunity was blown to create a truly awesome Horror franchise.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageWerewolf:The Beast Among Us  2012
One sentence review:
While this film is very watchable and is heavy on the gore FX, it suffers from a lame monster design, stupid plot twists and the typical Hollywood Action-Horror cliches that make me wish a pug-faced, CGI werewolf would rip my throat out during the movie and end my suffering. 
(The CGI blood wouldn't even stain my furniture....NICE!)
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageSilent Hill Revelations  2012
One sentence review:
I hate to see great independent Horror writer/directors getting sucked up into the putrid, big budget, Hollywood anus that shits out pointless sequels such as this but sadly, Michael J. Bassett is the latest victim.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageGrabbers  2012
One sentence review:
I won't lie, parts of this movie are a little big budget, action-y for me but mostly it's a fun, drunken, Irish ride that once again proves that CGI can look good when the monster design is solid and some love is involved.
(Shame on you Hollywood)
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageKabus aka Fairytale  2012
One sentence review: 
I wanted to like this movie but it's clear from the start that the whole production is kind of a mess being shot in Italy with English speaking Australian actors also it's poorly edited so the scenes seem disjointed and don't flow together and even worse it follows the same old tired ghost mystery blueprint as hundreds of movies before.
(Kabus translates to nightmare or incubus in English so Fairytale is a pretty lame title
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageThe Day of the Beast 1995
One sentence review: 
Add a crazy Death metal-head, plus a priest who has taken up sinning, plus the birth of the Anti-christ and it equals a movie that is slow in parts but overall a fun, twisted X-mas Horror comedy from Spain that I didn't know existed but I'm glad I do now.
(wish I could subtract all the old man cock)

Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageJohn Dies At The End  2012
One sentence review: 
Hampered by the usual bad CGI effects and some bad acting, (Chase Williams needs to learn some new facial expressions. 'Disgusted' doesn't cover every emotion!) this movie still manages to rise above with it's completely original, bizarre and compelling storyline that drives it to instant cult status.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageThe Devil Inside  2012
One sentence review: (and Rant)
For the first time ever I am compelled to combine a Monster Movie Rant with a movie review so this will be longer than a sentence. Forgive me, but you can blame the Horror community, not me.
First of all, I need to say that I avoided this movie because of numerous reports about it's ending. (never again) I read stories of crowds booing and storming out of theaters pissed.
Really?!?
Are we as a society so spoon-fed that every ending needs to be wrapped into a pretty little package with a fucking bow on top?!? 
Very sad!!
Secondly, 'The Devil Inside' is a good fucking movie!  It has some great performances, it's full of hair-raising scares and the ending makes complete sense under the circumstances presented to us. No gift wrapping, No bows, No fucking Santa Claus to tickle your sugar plums and No bullshit!
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageMothers Day  2010
One sentence review:
A great remake that brings the original screaming up to date with the only low point being the replacement of the inbreed hillbillies with a cast of Twilight rejects but if the Academy Awards gave out Oscars for movies that don't suck, Rebecca De Mornay would surely be nominated for best actress.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageCold fish  2010
One sentence review:
 I don't mind a long build up but it gets kind of frustrating waiting for the craziness to begin and for me, it was good but not quite worth the wait.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageWar of the Dead  2011
One sentence review:
This movie is an Outpost ripoff with almost the exact same setup but missing the quality script, acting and scares that made Outpost great and the addition of  springboarding, Russian, Zombies isn't helping either!
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageThe Thompsons 2012
One sentence review:
When the The Hamiltons was released in 2006 it was innovative, fascinating, challenging and didn't pander to popular trends and it's sequel, The Thompsons, is the exact polar opposite of all that.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageSteel Trap  2007
One sentence review:
The fact that this movie is one of the few choices for New Years Eve viewing definitely makes one watch it with kinder eyes but you cannot ignore the bad acting and terrible script (Worst line: "You cannot hide in an elevator shaft. It's ....... a shaft!") although there is a certain 80's slasher charm that makes it watchable. 
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageLovely Molly  2011
One sentence review:
By far, Eduardo Sánchez's best offering since TBWP but I guess I'm kinda over movies that wait until the last frame to reveal whether or not what you have been watching is actually supernatural or can be explained away by real life influences. 
(i.e. The Barrens)
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageDoomsday Book  2012
One sentence review:
"Hell yeah, a Japanese anthology from Pil-Sung Yim & Jee-woon Kim", I said to myself  going into this movie so you can imagine my disappointment when I discovered that the three segments got progressively more ridiculous and boring and overall left me tired, confused and wondering whatever happened to edgy J-Horror.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageATM  2012
One sentence review:
I hear a lot of yapping about the main characters lack of common sense/balls when dealing with their situation and I still contest that theirs is a very real reaction for your average citizen who isn't a highly trained bad-ass or packing weapons, so with that being said, ATM is an intense, terrifying X-mas slasher film that deserves to be ranked up with the likes of P2.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageSilent Night  2012
One sentence review:
Steven C. Miller (Automaton Transfusion) turns in a brutal remake that is an instant X-mas classic with the only real low point being a shockingly weak, phoned-in performance from Malcolm McDowell who's scenes bring the movie to a screeching halt.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageElves  1989
One sentence review:
A fat, chain smoking Dan Haggerty, Nazi's, inbreeding, and spongy, spongy, rubber, killer, elves all add up to the best/worst movie ever made and a very Merry Xmas.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

*REVIEW ARCHIVES 2*