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ONE SENTENCE HORROR MOVIE REVIEWS

imageGhoul  2012
One sentence review:
The weird child abuse sub-plot is almost so distracting that you don't notice the  shitty acting and terrible dialogue. 
(ALMOST)
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageChained  2012
One sentence review:
 A portrait of a serial killer (no pun intended) that is dark, evil and somehow kind of sweet with a surprise ending that you won't see coming but it's too slow to be a classic.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageDarklands  1996
One sentence review:
A classic pagan cult film that has been withheld from your eyeball's viewing pleasure for 16 years.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageStorage 24  2012
One sentence review:
Nothing groundbreaking but definitely a really good Sci-Fi/Horror film that proves you still can use practical FX to make a solid creature feature.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageThe Day  2011
One sentence review:
Feels like one scene of a movie stretched out for 87 minutes with no character development and not much storyline to help it.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageWhen the Lights Went Out 2012
One sentence review:
This movie has a Let the Right One In vibe and is not completely horrible but the main characters are so repugnant (the teen daughter is a total bitch and her parents, who are too poor to rent a decent home but can find the cash to go out drinking, regularly slap the shit out of her) that by the end you will be cheering for the ghost to win.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageZombie Apocalypse  2011
One sentence review:
HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA, 
apparently, normal people continue to walk around and drive their cars in the background of this zombie apocalypse!
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imagePrometheus  2012
One sentence review:
Dear Ridley Scott,
thank you for creating a great Alien sequel without dumbing it down for the stupid masses but why would you use Guy Pierce, in painfully obvious old man makeup, for the Peter Weyland role instead of just an older actor, do you owe him money?
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageParaNorman  2012
One sentence review:
I think the reason I fell asleep during this movie (which I never do) is that none of the characters were particularly likable or funny and the story was kind of boring.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageHellgate  2011
One sentence review:
Not bad but we've all seen this same story done better and with more chills during the J-Horror boom of the late 90's.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageI Sell The Dead  2008
One sentence review:
Glenn McQuaid completely out Landis' John Landis' awful Burke and Hare with this insanely well made, grave robber, Horror-comedy.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageThe Shrine  2010
One sentence review:
Piss on all the teeerrible, Hollywood, demonic possession movies, Jon Knautz (Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer) offers up another indie winner that makes 'pea soup' scary again.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageThe Innkeepers  2011
One sentence review:
If Kevin Smith (Clerks) and Stephen King (The Shining) had a baby, the fat, buck-toothed offspring (Stephevin Sming) might offer the world this genuine, quirky, ghost story that starts out sweet then bites your balls off at the end.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageBait  2012
One sentence review:
A new winner for the most ridiculous scene ever committed to film: construction of an impromptu shark proof(?) diving suit made out of metal storage racks, other than that the movie is a total piece of shit! 
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageThe Pact  2012
One sentence review:
Although the twist ending raises this film above the average angry ghost with a message from beyond story, it doesn't have enough scares to make it truly good.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imagePlayback  2012
One sentence review:
Shockingly good for a movie that starts out like every PG-13 teen Horror film and stars washed up actor Christian Slater (in a great sleazy role).
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageRosewood Lane  2011
One sentence review:
This film is produced by Rose McGowan's plastic surgeon and stars Rose McGowan's face and while it is terrifying to watch, it also completely distracts you from the actual storyline.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageNo Tell Motel  2012
One sentence review:
This film tries to raise itself above the average, no budget, supernatural Horror but due to bad acting, awkward dialogue, and despicable characters it never makes it out of the $5 bin.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageThe Bay  2012
One sentence review:
Truly disturbing 'Found Footage', Eco-Horror that will leave you completely skeeved-out although it is slightly hindered by some bad CGI effects.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageExcision  2012
One sentence review:
Apart from some bloody wet dreams and the ending, this film plays out like a bizzare, art house coming of age story without enough tension and action for most horror fans.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageThe Apparition  2012
One sentence review:
 Add one part 'Poltergeist' with two parts '13 Ghosts'(2001) and five parts 'Kairo'(Pulse), incompetently stir them together and you will be left with this indigestible shit-stew of a movie.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageVirgin Witch  1972
One sentence review:
Plenty of pointy Euro-Booby, 70's bush and poorly simulated sex scenes yet it's somehow surprisingly boring and pointless.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageSmiley  2012
One sentence review:
Bad dialogue, bad editing, cardboard characters with Justin Bieber hair and an insulting ending that will make you want to smash your TV.
Would I buy it?
image      NO

imageChamber of Horrors  1966
One sentence review:
 A good Hammer style Gothic Horror film starring a homicidal necrophillac sporting an 'Inspector Gadget' hand and bent on revenge.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageRec 3 2012
One sentence review:
As a huge fan of the 'Rec' series I cannot, under any circumstance, figure out how Paco Plaza shat out this steaming pile of confused, sappy, unfunny, unoriginal, celluloid waste!!
Would I buy it?
image       NO

imageWrong Turn 5 2012
One sentence review:
'Wrong Turn 5' makes 'Wrong Turn 4' look like 'Wrong Turn 1' and will have you longing for the glory days of 'Wrong Turn 3' while you debate whether or not it's better than 'Wrong Turn 2' and if you don't know what this means just don't bother watching it!
Would I buy it?
image       NO

imageOutpost 2008
One sentence review:
Think 'Dog Soldiers' with Nazi zombies, throw in a twist of 'The Bunker' and you will be in the right mindset for this great action-horror film from the UK.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageOutpost: Black Sun 2012
One sentence review:
Leans more on the 'action' than the 'horror' as opposes to the first one but is still a really good sequel in this little known, unappreciated series.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageHell 2011
One sentence review:
'It's not so much the heat as it is the Humanity' sums up this beautifully shot, intelligent, post apocalyptic nightmare from Germany.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageThe Incident 2011
One sentence review:
Plays out like a zombie siege film except with the criminally insane substituting for the undead and an ending that will leave you thinking for days after.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageV/H/S  2012
One sentence review:
A truly original 'found footage' anthology with mostly solid segments and lots of scares however the extremely shaky camera work may have you running for the Dramamine by the end.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imageThe Cabin in the Woods 2011
One sentence review:
A soulless, stupid, big budget reminder of everything that's wrong with modern horror presented in cartoonish CGI.
Would I buy it?
image       NO

imageHypothermia 2010
One sentence review:
A really good creature feature somewhat derailed by a goofy monster design.
Would I buy it?
image      YES

imagePiranha 3DD 2012
One sentence review:
Plenty of gore, goofs and tits so if you like the first remake you will love this!
WOULD I BUY IT?
image       NO

imageCAMPFIRE TALES 1997
One sentence review:
A great urban legend anthology full of tension, scares and twists.
WOULD I BUY IT?
image       YES

imageA NIGHTMARE ON ELM ST 2012
One sentence review:
A forgettable remake with ALL aspects of the film having been done better in the original.
WOULD I BUY IT?
image       NO

imageTHE LOST COAST TAPES 2012
One sentence review:
 A decent 'found footage' horror film with an interesting take on the Sasquatch legend but when making a 'FF' movie you shouldn't recreate the classic Heather Donahue "I'm sorry" scene.
WOULD I BUY IT?
image       NO

imageFUNERAL HOME 1980
One sentence review:
 Classic early 80's slasher with an early   60's twist ending
WOULD I BUY IT?
image         YES

imageTHE BARRENS 2012
One sentence review:
Decent but it took too long to commit to and reveal the twist.
WOULD I BUY IT?
image       NO